Frustration, frustration, frustration

I am cranky as shit!  I am extremely sexually frustrated (two months, dammit!  and two more to go!), people at work are getting on my last nerve (the asshole at work is rearing his ugly head again, not at me, but in his general holier-than-thou-I-know-everything-about-everything attitude which is usually followed by a statement that is so epicly wrong it’s ridiculous), and the girl is being a brat, or rather, the princess is being a royal brat!

#1 — I won’t delve too deeply into this one as it is personal, and although I try to maintain complete openness and honesty in this blog…sometimes you just have to filter in good taste.  But I will say my solo time (as little as is available with parents visiting, sheer exhaustion by the time I get to bed, and the at least twice a week I have a little person sharing my bed with me) is just not cutting it!  I miss my Mr. W…in every way!

#2 — The asshole struck again yesterday with his blatant stupidity coupled with his holier-than-thou attitude.  He ignored some potentially serious safety violations at work until his hand was forced, then made snide, unprofessional comments that basically said, “Hey, we don’t care about safety here.  The only reason I’m bringing it up is so I don’t have to listen to the guy that is concerned whine.”  WTF!!  Then, taking on his role of I-know-everything-about-everything, he put on his trainer hat and gave some epicly wrong information to my trainee!  *argh!*

#3 — I’m not sure what her deal is, but my little princess is really pushing my buttons.  Last week, it was just her and I and we had a wonderful time.  She was well behaved.  She was sweet.  She was happy.  This week, she’s talking back (a lot), her favorite two phrases are, “I don’t want to” and “NO!” and she is being totally unreasonable in her demands.  Yes, demands.  I don’t expect a three year old to be particularly reasonable in her requests, but demands…oh, hell no!  I have to constantly remind her that I am her mother and she should speak to me with a certain respect.  I don’t expect her to learn that lesson from her other parent or family, but she knows better at home, I know she does.  Because of my frustrations in other parts of my life, I’m not handling her attitudes and outbursts very well.  I’ve done a lot of yelling and threatening over the last couple days.  I can’t seem to keep my calm long enough to do what works in place of the yelling.  Honestly, I can’t seem to even recall what works.  We haven’t had behavioural problems in quite a while, and when I’m in that red faced gonna break something (no, not my child…but something) mode, I can’t even think straight!  I need to find something to maintain my calm.  Not sure what that is yet…but I need…something.

Sex is obviously out of the question as it’s not available at this time.  Can’t drink since it’s probably not a great outlet for frustration, and besides, step-dad is a recovered alcoholic so I had to stash all my liquor and wine for the visit.  I’ve been smoking more, although I was hoping my parents’ visit would help me cut down or quit completely.  I don’t know what else to try…*hrumph!*

The girl…some work…and her father

And now my daughter makes me proud with her choice of cuisine.  Ok, can’t really call it cuisine per se, but still.  She requested noodles for dinner (Ramen), so, not being nuggets and fries, I immediately obliged.  She ate it all, enthusiastically.  Of course, I don’t just do Ramen on it’s own…more pride coming…I generally add stuff, in this case an egg, a can of sardines, and some cabbage.  Ok, ok, I know like everyone thinks sardines are nasty, but in their defense they are packed with nutrients and when cooked right, taste delicious if you do happen to like fish.  (Another recipe:  I saute onions in some olive oil, add the drained sardines and some chopped tomato, a little soy sauce and just a touch of water or broth.  I let this cook for about five minutes and then serve over rice with some thinly sliced cold cucumber on top.  Mmmm.  No really, mmmmm…try it!)  Anyway, back to the Ramen a’la me…she ate it all, including all the extras, exclaiming the deliciousness with every bite!  My healthy-eating girl!

It’s a nice end to the rest of my emotionally and mentally draining day.

So work…ah, where do I begin.  It’s sucking right now.  I’m keeping busy, which is nice.  But at times it’s a little too busy, thanks to the negligence and laziness of my co-workers.  I can’t remember if I mentioned before that I’m now the training manager at work.  Ok, no problem, except that the ones before me totally jacked up the training program (or lack thereof), the documentation, the files, EVERYTHING!!  So not only am I revamping and doing much needed updates, I’m doing basic housecleaning of the whole situation.  Next, there is a big inspection in two weeks…more disorganization, more extra work because no one bothered to keep up with requirements, documentation, etc, more, more, more.  And lastly (as if that wasn’t enough work), I still have to keep up with my normal daily duties because everyone else is too busy (read lazy) to fill in for an hour here or there (not shirking my duties here, that is how my workplace works…or is supposed to work, we fill in, give breaks, rotate position assignments hourly).  So, that is work. *sigh*

And then the STBX calls (yes, still not final…don’t ask).  But first, a little backstory:

Last Sunday:  I remind STBX I’m going to LA for Thanksgiving weekend.  I inform him I will be on the red-eye back, so can we be flexible with what time I pick the girl up, depending on if I get sleep on the plane or not.  He says fine, no problem.  Morning (on the way back from the airport) or afternoon (after a couple hours of sleep)…no problem.

Last Tuesday:  STBX calls to tell me his grandmother is coming into town on the weekend, can he keep the girl until Tuesday and he will bring her down to me.  I say ok.

Saturday: STBX calls me in LA to ask what time “in the morning” I will be picking the girl up Monday since his grandmother didn’t show.  I try to reexplain the conversation from Sunday, and he cuts me off by yelling that we agreed on the morning.  I try to reexplain again, and he cuts me off again…yelling louder, accusing me of double talking, being selfish, blah, blah, blah.  I calmly tell him when he actually wants to wait for an answer to a question instead of yelling over me, he can call me back, and ended the conversation.

Sunday: I call to talk to the girl.  I inform him calmly and politely that I will pick her up on my way home from the airport at 830am.  He says fine.

Monday: I fly home, don’t sleep on the plane, am a zombie by 9am, drop the girl of at the sitter at 930am, and crash for a couple hours of much needed sleep at 10am.

This morning:  STBX calls me at work requesting to pick the girl up and bring her back tomorrow afternoon since his grandmother came into town after all yesterday.  I ask if maybe I can keep her until Sunday in exchange (rather than our pre-arranged Saturday) and he begins yelling again.  He said no.  I asked why.  He said he was going to Pittsburg so he can’t pick her up from me Sunday.  I point out if he is going out of town, I’m supposed to have her, so what is the difference.  He says he’s taking her with him, to the Steelers/Cowboys football game, in Pittsburg, PA, our three year old daughter, in the winter, to a possibly volitile football game…WTF??  (Am I totally off here thinking that is just insane??) I expressed my concern and dislike of the idea…more yelling.  More name calling…more, more, more.  I simply replied with “Sorry for your grandmother, but if you won’t give me Sunday, you can’t pick her up today.  I don’t want to give up my time with her.”

So am I off?  Honestly, if he had asked instead of demanded, if he had talked instead of yelled and got mean, if he had been a human being instead of, well, himself, I would have said ok.  The girl doesn’t get to see her great-grandmother very much.  She is old, and gets great joy out of spending time with her great-granddaughter.  No problem.  The problem is STBX.  His attitude has changed, for the worse.  We were doing fine for a good number of months.  Minor disagreements, like any joint-parents, but no blow outs, no name calling, no “old STBX.”  It was peaceful, sort of.  But now, he’s regressed.  My fault for being optimistic and thinking he may have actually changed.  *sigh*sigh*

After our “talk,” I went on a local forum site to find a good lawyer.  I ended up on a Family Advocacy/Domestic Violence site and called for a consult.  We shall see how this goes.  Maybe they can help, maybe they can’t, but I have to try, for the girl’s site.  It’s not that I want him out of her life or I want to take all his money.  I just don’t want her to grow up in that kind of environment…the kind where women are subservient to men, no matter what.  Where the man’s opinion is all that counts.  Where emotional and mental abuse/cut-downs/damage is the norm.  I want to protect her from that, and the only way I can (as apparently STBX will never see the light) is to remove her for a majority from the environment and gain some control over her exposure.  *sigh*sigh*sigh*

Here she sits, watching Cinderella, lining up all her ponies, being innocent and sweet as can be.  She deserves innocence and happiness for as long as possible, and I intend to get that for her.  She deserves peace…peace of mind, a peaceful life, a peaceful existance.  She deserves it all, and i will do my damndest to get it for her…my baby girl.

People say the strangest things…

Yesterday a co-worker made a comment to me about my clothes and I’m not exactly sure what to make of it.  “You make me sick, you are so skinny.  I could never dress like you.”  Now, she is not a big girl.  In fact, (and especially) considering she has a 3 year old and an 18 month old, she is in very good shape…probably about a size 6, maybe a small 8…and she is tall.  So I said, “What are you talking about, look at you…” and before I could finish someone else chimed in with “you can dress like that.”  She responded, “No, I’m not a girly girl.  I can’t dress all cute like that.”  What does that mean??  I began defending myself without even thinking about it, saying I only dress like that for work, I’m not a girly girl either, at home it’s all jeans and t-shirts…blah, blah, blah.  That is true, to a point.  I try to look nice and professional at work, although I sometimes don’t, or completely miss the mark.  When I get home, it’s sweats time, and on the weekends it’s mostly jeans, although I do try to maintain an element of cuteness if I’m going somewhere…but 90% of the time it’s jeans. 

But why defend myself?  What is wrong with trying to look nice, especially at work?  I don’t go overboard.  No crazy make-up.  No perfect hair.  Not much in the way of accessories unless I’m feeling extra spunky in the morning (and have time to accessorize).  I don’t get it. 

So was it a jab or a compliment?  Hmm…

A couple weeks ago, my friend Y had a similar experience I was lucky enough to witness.  She has gone grey at an early age and dyes her hair.  It had been awhile since she had made it to the salon, so there was a little streakage showing at her roots, but whatever.  She’s a busy lady (5 kids, full time work, school, extra-curricular, oh yeah, and her hubby is in Iraq with Mr. W, so she’s doing it all!)  A co-worker who is known to be a little on the bitchy side (I’ve personally experienced this three times now) mentioned casually, “I wish I could be like you.  I could never let my hair go like that…” trailing off from there.  What does that mean?? 

In case you are wondering, my three negative experiences are these:

• Compliment on my shirt from her.  Statement that I got it from Target or Walmart (I don’t remember) from me.  “Oh, I don’t shop there…” in a smug tone from her.  ???
• Conversation with Mr. W: “You better not be dating ________.  She has too much baggage.”  from a woman recently split from her husband, on the prowl, and oh yeah, she has 3 boys…2 from the husband, and one from some other man who we know nothing about that she was never married to nor had any intention of marrying.  I’m not judging at all,  but seriously, who is she to say that I have too much baggage??
• Conversation with me about Mr. W after informing her that we were moving in together:  “I don’t know what happened with them.  I really like ______ (his ex).”  WTF???  I’m his girlfriend, and you want to tell me how much you liked his cheating, high-maintenance, selfish, hurtful, putting-Mr. W-through-some-serious-misery ex??? Seriously??!!

What are these people thinking?  Or a better question, are they thinking?  Are these twisted compliments?  Or are they twisted cut-downs in disguise?  I just don’t get it.

Why did I leave him?…oh yeah, that’s it

I have a confession…I have horrible taste in men.  Of course, I am not at all referring to the one bright shining star in the darkness that has been my dating history.  As we all well know, Mr. W lives up to his name, and then some…Mr. Wonderful.  No, I am referring to the ex-men.  They never cease to amaze me while simultaneously horrifying me and my sense of sensibility as far as men and relationships are concerned.

I had the following conversation with my STBX, soon to be known as TASMCITISM (the absolutely small-minded caveman idiot that I stupidly married)…ok maybe that’s a little long, but I will think of something!

Him: So where do women get their breasts from?

Me: huh? what do you mean?

Him: Well, I know men get their receding hairlines from their mother’s side, so which side do breasts come from?

Me: I don’t know.  I got mine from my mom’s side, so maybe the mother.

Him: Well, if [the girl] gets hers from my side, she won’t have any problems.

Me: What does that mean?  I don’t have any problems?

Him: Well, if she has a nice rack (yes he actually used this terminology to speak about his 3 year old daughter) she will get a lot further in life.

Me: WHAT?  Seriously, you do realize this is your daughter you are talking about, right? 

Him: Well, it depends a little on what line of work she wants to go into, but it’s a proven fact, as a DA or prosecuting attorney, if she has a nice rack she will be favored with the judges.

Me: I can’t have this conversation with you.  And for the record, I’ve done just fine with my lesser endowments, thank you very much.

Seriously?  Seriously?! Seriously?!

He went on trying to convince me that the girl needed to have big breasts to succeed in life.  I tried to reason (forgetting who I was talking to) that I don’t like the idea of any woman, especially my daughter  being looked at and talked about that way.  He didn’t get it, thoroughly convinced and insisting that she must have big boobs to get by in life.  That is her only hope.  (She is beautiful, by the way, and slender…oh, and THREE YEARS OLD, PEOPLE!!)  Do I need further explanation on why I left this idiot?  (For those of you that think I do…don’t worry, I have a whole laundry list for you…)

Now, I’m not naive.  I know that looks still play a part in today’s society.  I know pretty girls can use it to their advantage to gain in the workplace, or in life in general.  I am decent looking, and I’ve heard it a million times, especially in the military.  I got promoted early because I’m a pretty girl.  I get recognized because I’m a pretty girl.  I got hired (outside the military) because I’m a pretty girl.  What about the other side?  I don’t get take seriously because I’m a pretty girl.  My experience and intelligence are ignored because I’m a pretty girl.  I have to fight harder to compensate mentally because I’m a pretty girl.  I don’t want to rest on my looks.  I downright refuse it.  I’m smart, I’m a hard worker, I’m a great problem solver.  Those are my selling points.  My looks should  have not a damn thing to do with it.  Should.

But all that is in today’s society.  A lot has changed in the workplace and in the relationship among people in general (we have a Black President Elect, for God’s sake!) let alone in the relationships (personal and in the workplace) between men and women.  My hope is that our world changes even more in the next 20 years, when my kids are growing into it and heading out on their own to be part of it.  Is that so wrong?  Is it wrong to hope for a better world and a better situation for your children?  Is it wrong to expect it?  If it is, then I’m wrong because I do hope for it.  I do expect it, dammit!  I expect that my kids will be able to be whatever they want in the world.  I expect that the  world will welcome them with open arms, whatever their lifestyle, appearance, quirks, or shortcomings.  I expectthat my son will not openly reap the benefit of being a “good-looking white male” and my daughter won’t depend on her looks, whatever they end up being.  I expect both my children will be respected and valued for their intelligence and work ethic. 

I have now realized I have a whole plethora of battles in my future.  I knew they were coming, but not in this form.  Both of the ex-men are “old-fashioned,” which I truly believe is a PC way of saying small-minded and ignorant in a caveman sort of way, but I digress.  They are both lazy and all about cutting corners and breaking rules “that aren’t really important” or are for “other people.”  (Come on, STBX is a cop for Pete’s sake!)  They will poison my children’s minds (not that they haven’t already tried, but I’ve managed to reverse most of the damage before it takes hold up till now) and I must be ready to battle to keep them safe.  I must be ready to combat the damage as it happens, before it takes hold, and ensure the best, happiest possible future for my babies. 

Battle on, Bitches!

I’m getting kicked out of my job

I’ve been in a class all week, suggested by my supervisor to enhance my “skill set” which will in turn enhance my marketability and career progression.  Sitting in my almost empty office space, I can’t help but say, “WTF?”

In the last two years, 7 new hires have come on, and 4 of them have moved on to bigger and better things with other companies, one more on his way out.  Before the 7 of us, the last new hire was about 5 year prior.  It seems to me that management has a problem, but even with numerous suggestions and countless hours of begging, they are not doing anything about it.  In fact, about the only thing they do well is support education and training (which they do exceedingly well through classes, seminars, and paid tuition for college, etc).  So…basically they are giving  me all the tools and at times even pushing me to get more education, training, and certifications, yet are not providing me any incentive to stay with the company.  What do they expect I will do with my certs and degrees and nicely padded resume???  Hang it on my wall for wall paper in my little cubicle?  Seriously, folks, does this make sense to you?

Honestly, pay is great here, but not in comparison to the cost of living or the other companies in the same fields.  I enjoy my job, when I actually have some work to do, which is a rarity.  I have a lot of down time, which is a good and a bad thing.  I have very little responsibility here.  Unfortunately, I am still young and eager to work hard, so that is another negative.  The benefits and leave policies are great, except that I use up all my leave to just not have to come to work.  Most of the time I feel there are better things to do (like spend time with the kids, spend time with Mr. W, clean my house, run errands, get a haircut, get a pedicure, go shopping, sleep, read….the list goes on and on) than sit at my desk and repeatedly search for the end of the internet.  (It exists, I swear.  I found it about 6 months ago.)  On a side note: did you know there is a site called Imbored.com?  as well as bored.com?  How sad is it that I found, and frequent these sites from work?!

I guess I’m frustrated.  That’s a good word for it.  I work with a bunch of dirtbag assholes and there isn’t even any hope in distracting myself with work, let alone job satisfaction or a feeling of accomplishment.  *Sigh*  What to do?  My plan was to enjoy my ability to do my college work at work and move up with my degree…but that up may end up being an up-and-out here soon…stay tuned!