Anatomy: lesson 1

I hesitate to post the following conversation that took place last night as I was tucking my 3 year old daughter into bed for all the pervs that will inevitably find my blog through some lurid late-night google search…but, it’s too darn cute not to:

I lean in to hug her goodnight…

The girl: Mommy, what’s that?

Me:  (sitting up) What?

The girl: (points at my left breast) THAT!

Me:  That’s mommy’s boob.

The girl:  (looking down her shirt) Do I have boob? (yes…she insisted on calling boobs “boob” -singular- for the entire conversation)

Me: (suddenly fearful of where this conversation will go)  Uh, yes…sort of.  You will when you grow up.

The girl:  Does [the boy] have boob?

Me: (uh, oh…thinking along the lines of her seeing him at bath time and realizing their chests look exactly the same…so not wanting to be a liar…) Yes…

The girl:  Does daddy have boob?

Me: (laughing my ass off inside…keeping a straight face on the outside..digging myself deeper into this conversation…)   Yes…but it’s not the same (realizing I have totally lost her attention at this point and can’t possibly recover from this conversation, but continuing to spew anyway) Mommies and Ladies have boobs like this (pointing at myself) And when you get bigger you will too.  Boys and daddies have (pause, as I am totally lost for words at this point) …different boobs.  Ok, time to go to sleep-now-I-love-you-good-night. *kiss*

Crap.  Totally not prepared for that line of questioning.  Totally corrupted my daughter’s mind with thoughts of man-boobs…at 3 years old.  Crap. 

So what weird questions should I look out for in the near future now that my daughter clearly just dove head first into the incessant question stage?  (ps…any answer suggestions would be great too, as I obviously am not a thinking-on-the-fly kind of gal when it comes to these inquiries from my 3 year old!)

Close your eyes and point

Time is running very short for Mr. W’s departure.  He isn’t leaving leaving until the second week of October, but he will be on travel and away for the two weeks prior beginning this Sunday. THAT’S ONLY 4 DAYS AWAY!!  This sucks. 

We’ve been “picking” at each other and misreading statements, or rather the intent of statements for the last couple of days, which makes the suck that much more.  Why is it in times of stress you pick at or take it out on the ones you love the most? 

Anyway, I’m trying not to concentrate on the fact that he is leaving, or that he will be gone for A WHOLE FREAKIN YEAR! but rather on the trips that we will make together and the opportunities this new job and the money will create for him.  I’m not sure if I mentioned before, but this job allows two airfare paid trips to anywhere in the world.  Anywhere.  We are leaning (as a collective of him, his kids, and I) towards Australia in March and Rome in the summer.  Money isn’t really an issue, well, not too much of an issue anyway.  I’ve learned that one of the guys from the last crew that went to Iraq only went on one trip.  He took his wife and kid to Rome…and spent $28,000 on a week!  Not sure how he managed that one, but needless to say, a second trip was nixed shortly thereafter.  But seriously, when you have the whole world at your doorstep and a $10,000-ish budget, where do you go?  We are all fairly well traveled, the kids more than the two of us.  Most of their travels took them to Asian countries, so they aren’t keen on going back there.  I’ve lived in England, so while I want to go back there someday (and am quite frankly happy to go anywhere as long as I get to see Mr. W) that isn’t really in the mix of options.  Plus, for the March trip, we want somewhere warm, leaving the cooler temps in Europe for the Summer trip.  Mr. W lived in Puerto Rico and the kids visited him there often, so an island trip isn’t really in the cards either, unless of course it’s some non-Puerto Rico-like island that we haven’t thought of yet.  Plus, my suggestion is to have one trip be to somewhere with more natural sights and photo-ops, and have the other be for more architectural, museum-ish, man-made sort of sights.

So here leaves my shameless scam for drawing comments:  Two trips, anywhere in the world (besides the US), $10,000, two (fantasticly well traveled) teenagers and two adults, where would you go?

Productivity, not

I had full intentions of being productive last night.  Notice I said had…

I picked up the boy from the sitter (not daycare, an at home provider who I refer to as the sitter. )  I hate daycare centers.  I worked in one after high school, and although I loved my kids dearly, and can even remember most of their names to this day, I would never subject my, or anyone else’s kids to such sub-par caring.  There was a day that we took our kids (we were in a single story annex because apparently there is some restriction on anyone under 6 walking up or down stairs) to the main center playground.  One of my particularly troubled, mischievous, angry, “behavioural” boys walked right up to a younger boy on a trike, grabbed one of his handlebars and knocked it over.  Just like that, all nonchalant and stuff, right in front of me.  I went and asked one of the more “experienced” ladies where a good place for time out was, or what other sort of punishment would be appropriate.  She explained to me that he had to choose to go to time out.  A 5 year old.  Choosing  to go to time out.  Yeah, right!  Anyway, that incident combined with the other many ridiculous “policies” and lack of caring from the staff, and lack of continuity with the staff, and the strange happening of catching kids, multiple times, multiple years in a row engaging in questionable sexual behaviour…seriously, that bad…after being witness to all these things, I swore I would never, never  put my kids in a center. 

Anyway, tangent…sorry.  I picked the boy up from the sitter and headed to my apartment to grab a load to take to Mr. W’s house and pick up my mail.  Got the load in the car, got my mail, and pulled my front door closed, keys safely inside sitting on my kitchen counter.  Now, normally I could call Mr. W and he would rush, all white-knight-on-a-galloping-steed-ish to my rescue with the spare keys, BUT, he’s in New Hampshire on a stupid training trip.  And normally, without the availability of a handsome saviour, I would pull out my handy shall-not-be-shared-where-I-learned-how-to-do-this skill of breaking into a home, BUT, I’ve tried this on a couple earlier occasions (yes, I do this a lot, the locking myself out of my house, car, office thing) and, good or bad, my apartment is very secure.  So I called the maintenance hot-line, got the recording, left my message, and waited impatiently for someone to call back.  Dude that called said one of the office girls would meet me there, so here we go…the boy and I hiked to the office, heels and giant Incredible Hulk hands in tow, paid the $35 to get the spare key (which I’m pretty sure she just pocketed), hiked back to the apartment, got my keys from inside, and drove to drop off the spare.  *ugh*  Feet and knees sore, nerves frazzled, we went to Mr. W’s to drop of my fore-mentioned load.  Of course, like any totally frustrated, tired, cranky, horrible mother, I took the whole ordeal out on the boy.  Damn.  I’m shit.  So I spent a few minutes apologizing and loving on him, changed my clothes (and more importantly my shoes) and we headed out again to pick up a bed frame for one of Mr. W’s kids’ new bed.  Had cash, so I left my purse in the truck, which due to crappy parking lots in this area had to be parked at the other end of the shopping center.  They had the frame, but no change.  Ugh.  But they take checks, and since my checkbook sits nicely in my cash wallet, yea!  Then he asked for my drivers licence to write my info on the check.  Seriously??  Ugh.  Back to the truck to get my purse.  Back to the store to give him my licence number, and back to the truck again.  Thank goodness I only had one of the kidlets in tow or I may have had shoot myself right there in the store and force the sales guy to clean my splattered blood out of all his nice new fluffy mattresses. 

So that was done, finally.  Not feeling at all like cooking, I asked the boy what he wanted for dinner, to which he pleasantly replied “chicken noodles.”  After much deciphering and deliberation, I figured out he meant chicken lo mien.  Yea!  So Chinese takeout it is.  We went home, ate dinner together, he showered and went to bed, and I got lazy.  I tried to get on the computer to unwind a bit and maybe surf for some ideas on how to arrange the basement for Mr. W’s kids before resuming productivity…but the Internet was down.  Ugh.  I headed to the basement to see if maybe it was just the wireless on my laptop, but after an hour of fiddling, still no luck.  (Have I mentioned, ugh?!)  So I folded laundry and headed out for a smoke while trying to determine exactly how I was going to get a queen size mattress down two flights of stairs to set up in the basement, by myself.  I’m an independent sort of gal, so I figured I could handle it…maybe…possibly.  Or I could slip (it’s been known to happen as I’m not the most graceful lady in the land) down the stairs and end up in a crumpled ball at the bottom with just enough time to scream short obscenities (the four letter variety) before the mattress came pummelling down after me to finish me off.  Hmmm…thankfully, Mr. W called right before I sat down to run the data in my head (yes I’m a total nerd) as to what my strategy should be and what the likelihood was that I could accomplishish my task without killing myself.  He convinced me to wait (whew!) and we chatted just long enough for my productivity to wear out, so I spent the rest of the night on the couch watching Fringe. 

Coincidentally, if you haven’t checked it out, it’s a pretty cool show, if you like JJ Abrams, and/or LOST and are a total nerd who is fascinated by unexplained phenomenon and have a secret inkling that all things can be explained with enough research and really super cool scientific equipment (read: toys) and obviously someone  is behind it all.  Mwahh-ha-ha-ha.  (← my attempt at spelling an evil laugh.  I’m not very good at actually imitating the evil laugh either.  I must be innately good, yep, that’s my theory!) 

As I said, I had plans of being productive yesterday.

Aging…gracefully?

I found my second white hair.

It’s kind of hidden on the side of my head that I push all my hair towards, but I  know it’s there.  Of course, it’s my 5th if you count the phantom 3 at the back of my head that have been witnessed by a couple people over the years, but no real proof of their existence has yet been brought to light.  (The 1st/4th “appeared” out of thin air about 3 months ago.)

I’m not even 30!  I realize there are many out there who started going gray or white way earlier than this, and to you all, I’m sorry.  This is a big thing for me though.  I’m officially getting older.  On our recent trip to Michigan, I of course took my baby, my Nikon D-40, and Mr. W insisted on taking some pictures of me while we were exploring the big, bad city of Detroit.  Dude!  I look like my mom!  Not cool!  Ok, my mom is pretty.  No problems there, but she is also MY MOM!  And in her late 50’s!  I’m supposed to me, young and cute and all that, not my mom!  I’ve just gotten to the point where I am able to refer to myself as a woman (verses a girl, or chick) and it still makes me cringe when someone calls me “ma’am.”  I’m not ready to get old. 

I’ve had an “arthritic condition” since my early 20’s, so while the rain and cold affect me terribly (and painfully), it’s something I’ve grown accustomed to.  I’ve had digestive/stomach issues (GERD, heartburn, gastritis) since I agreed to marry Ex#1, which coincidentally went away when we separated, only to return shortly after marrying the STBX…hmmm…whoever says your body doesn’t respond to mental and emotional stress is full o- poop!  I get suddenly (in the last 2 years) get migraines.  I’ve suffered from insomnia for as long as I can remember.  My allergies get exponentially worse with each season.  My boobs, although small, seem to be migrating south as far as that little bit of skin will let them.  Aging gracefully was never in the cards for me, but really, do I have to do it now?  In my face?  In my hair!?  Couldn’t the __________ (fill in the all-powerful being, force, whatever of your choice there) have given me at least until I was out of my twenty-somethings? 

*Hrumph* and *Sigh*  Gone are the days of eating however much of whatever I want without any objection from my digestive system body, and still staying in shape.  Gone are the days of getting only 6 or even 4 hours of sleep and having no trouble pulling a full day’s work, cleaning my house, going shopping, and participating in extensive partying through the night, for several days on end with no ill-effects.  Gone are the days of being able to take 12 and 15 hour road trips without stopping every 80 (50) miles to pee, stretch, get water, then spend the next day recovering from the soreness of the drive.  Gone are the days of multiple marathon “snuggle” sessions.  I’m tired, I’m thirsty, and I have to pee….all the time!!  I’ve been tested for diabetes, had endoscopes, had my stomach lining, blood, and (ew) poop tested for all sorts of bacteria and disease, but these recent appearances of white hair and aged features on my face explain it all: I’m just getting older.  *Sigh*

I guess I will have to embrace it.  No hair dying for me.  No botox.  No crazy skin creams.  Just acceptance, and moving-on-ness.  At least I still get carded for cigarettes and beer!  Of course, they don’t know what I looked like when I was too young to buy cigarettes and beer…

Question: There are three very suspicious hairs in my bangs area that I’ve been keeping a close eye on…they seem to be lightening.  Do white/gray hairs grow that way, or does the color just slowly fall out?

A ramble-fest…

I’ve been feeling very uninspired, un-creative, moody (and really hungry) lately.  Is it PMS?  Or is it something more?  My 6 weeks and counting has rapidly decreased to just over 3 weeks, with 2 of those weeks spent away for some training or another.  Besides that, there is still so much to do that even our free time is taken up.  He’s stressing, I’m stressing, we are both stressing about the other stressing, it’s just a big stress festival here, seriously.  I’ve been getting sick (sniffles, coughing, tummy trouble, migraines) and he has been feeling random pains (back of the head, temples, teeth).  We are some pair, I tell you what! 

I’ve tried to write, draw, read, cook to distract myself, but nothing seems to work.  I spend minutes staring into the fridge and leaving empty handed.  I spend hours in front of blank sheets of paper.  I read the same page countless times over, and still don’t really know what is going on.  Mr. W is worried about me when he leaves.  With my history of depression and anxiety, I get it.  I’m sure with his history of relationships, there are some other worries there too, and I get that.  I’ve tried to assure him that I do love him, I’m not looking any further than a good book or my nightstand drawer for companionship, and I have no desire or intention to start back on my meds.  I can’t say I won’t be sad when he leaves, that’s just silly.  Of course I will be sad, bummed, a little depressed, lonely…but I will be ok.  Those emotions are normal.  They are to be expected.  They are healthy and deal-with-able.  I guess I will just have to keep repeating those things.

 
On a happier note, we had a birthday party/cookout for the girl’s birthday this weekend.  It went well.  I am so proud of my kids, especially the girl.  At 3 years old, she was such the gracious host!  She was polite, saying thank you for everything and showing genuine enthusiasm for each gift, before shoving it aside and diving into the next.  She shared her new toys (as well as the old ones) with her guests wonderfully.  What a princess!  Time sure flies though.  She is 3 and the boy will soon be 5.  She went back to the STBX on Sunday and left the boy and I to have some time.  He talks so maturely when she isn’t around.  He understands so much and has real, almost adult conversation about things.  Of course, he has just entered into the age of “why?” with a side note of know-it-all, so every thing is “why this or that,” followed up by “I don’t think so.  It’s actually this.”  I find myself halfway into a debate with him at times before I remember, he’s 4 (5)…what the hell am I doing??  But I’ve had plenty practice with similar conversation/debates with the ex-men over the years and the boy actually is a child, so it’s ok…, plus he is much cuter and sweeter!

I have a week of mommy time with the boy before he goes home, and the STBX has graced us with an extra overnight this weekend so that Mr. W can say his goodbyes, as he will be gone to Iraq before they are next down here.    I am worried about the kids.  A year is a long time, and although Mr. W has promised to send videos and gifts and pictures to them as well as me, there has been so much change and turmoil in their lives thus far, I hope they deal alright with a little more.  Only time will tell.