Resolutions…I’ve got them!

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ‘08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

Frustration, frustration, frustration

I am cranky as shit!  I am extremely sexually frustrated (two months, dammit!  and two more to go!), people at work are getting on my last nerve (the asshole at work is rearing his ugly head again, not at me, but in his general holier-than-thou-I-know-everything-about-everything attitude which is usually followed by a statement that is so epicly wrong it’s ridiculous), and the girl is being a brat, or rather, the princess is being a royal brat!

#1 — I won’t delve too deeply into this one as it is personal, and although I try to maintain complete openness and honesty in this blog…sometimes you just have to filter in good taste.  But I will say my solo time (as little as is available with parents visiting, sheer exhaustion by the time I get to bed, and the at least twice a week I have a little person sharing my bed with me) is just not cutting it!  I miss my Mr. W…in every way!

#2 — The asshole struck again yesterday with his blatant stupidity coupled with his holier-than-thou attitude.  He ignored some potentially serious safety violations at work until his hand was forced, then made snide, unprofessional comments that basically said, “Hey, we don’t care about safety here.  The only reason I’m bringing it up is so I don’t have to listen to the guy that is concerned whine.”  WTF!!  Then, taking on his role of I-know-everything-about-everything, he put on his trainer hat and gave some epicly wrong information to my trainee!  *argh!*

#3 — I’m not sure what her deal is, but my little princess is really pushing my buttons.  Last week, it was just her and I and we had a wonderful time.  She was well behaved.  She was sweet.  She was happy.  This week, she’s talking back (a lot), her favorite two phrases are, “I don’t want to” and “NO!” and she is being totally unreasonable in her demands.  Yes, demands.  I don’t expect a three year old to be particularly reasonable in her requests, but demands…oh, hell no!  I have to constantly remind her that I am her mother and she should speak to me with a certain respect.  I don’t expect her to learn that lesson from her other parent or family, but she knows better at home, I know she does.  Because of my frustrations in other parts of my life, I’m not handling her attitudes and outbursts very well.  I’ve done a lot of yelling and threatening over the last couple days.  I can’t seem to keep my calm long enough to do what works in place of the yelling.  Honestly, I can’t seem to even recall what works.  We haven’t had behavioural problems in quite a while, and when I’m in that red faced gonna break something (no, not my child…but something) mode, I can’t even think straight!  I need to find something to maintain my calm.  Not sure what that is yet…but I need…something.

Sex is obviously out of the question as it’s not available at this time.  Can’t drink since it’s probably not a great outlet for frustration, and besides, step-dad is a recovered alcoholic so I had to stash all my liquor and wine for the visit.  I’ve been smoking more, although I was hoping my parents’ visit would help me cut down or quit completely.  I don’t know what else to try…*hrumph!*

Failing….

!#@$^*%&^$#^&*I%$^*(%*$##%$  ← (insert any combination of foul language you feel is appropriate here)

I can’t handle this. 

I’m not the type to hide in the bathroom and cry, but I’ll blame my teary eyes on the migraine that is rapidly encroaching my brain.  Besides, sometimes you just have to walk away from yourself and embrace that other self. 

I’m falling, I’m failing, I’m floundering and I don’t know what to do about it all.  I’m taking my frustration and anger with myself out on all those around me…on my freinds, on my co-workers, worst of all, on Mr. W, the wonderful Mr. W, who is alone, in Iraq, for a year…I’m a bad girlfriend.  I suck.  I could probably manage it if I were a) more organized, b) more motivated, and c) less tired…but unfortunately my organization skills have always lacked, my motivation was sucked out of me years ago, and sleeping doesn’t come so easy since Mr. W left. 

So the juggling act begins again…but the balls are dropping and I don’t know how to pick them up again.

The girl…some work…and her father

And now my daughter makes me proud with her choice of cuisine.  Ok, can’t really call it cuisine per se, but still.  She requested noodles for dinner (Ramen), so, not being nuggets and fries, I immediately obliged.  She ate it all, enthusiastically.  Of course, I don’t just do Ramen on it’s own…more pride coming…I generally add stuff, in this case an egg, a can of sardines, and some cabbage.  Ok, ok, I know like everyone thinks sardines are nasty, but in their defense they are packed with nutrients and when cooked right, taste delicious if you do happen to like fish.  (Another recipe:  I saute onions in some olive oil, add the drained sardines and some chopped tomato, a little soy sauce and just a touch of water or broth.  I let this cook for about five minutes and then serve over rice with some thinly sliced cold cucumber on top.  Mmmm.  No really, mmmmm…try it!)  Anyway, back to the Ramen a’la me…she ate it all, including all the extras, exclaiming the deliciousness with every bite!  My healthy-eating girl!

It’s a nice end to the rest of my emotionally and mentally draining day.

So work…ah, where do I begin.  It’s sucking right now.  I’m keeping busy, which is nice.  But at times it’s a little too busy, thanks to the negligence and laziness of my co-workers.  I can’t remember if I mentioned before that I’m now the training manager at work.  Ok, no problem, except that the ones before me totally jacked up the training program (or lack thereof), the documentation, the files, EVERYTHING!!  So not only am I revamping and doing much needed updates, I’m doing basic housecleaning of the whole situation.  Next, there is a big inspection in two weeks…more disorganization, more extra work because no one bothered to keep up with requirements, documentation, etc, more, more, more.  And lastly (as if that wasn’t enough work), I still have to keep up with my normal daily duties because everyone else is too busy (read lazy) to fill in for an hour here or there (not shirking my duties here, that is how my workplace works…or is supposed to work, we fill in, give breaks, rotate position assignments hourly).  So, that is work. *sigh*

And then the STBX calls (yes, still not final…don’t ask).  But first, a little backstory:

Last Sunday:  I remind STBX I’m going to LA for Thanksgiving weekend.  I inform him I will be on the red-eye back, so can we be flexible with what time I pick the girl up, depending on if I get sleep on the plane or not.  He says fine, no problem.  Morning (on the way back from the airport) or afternoon (after a couple hours of sleep)…no problem.

Last Tuesday:  STBX calls to tell me his grandmother is coming into town on the weekend, can he keep the girl until Tuesday and he will bring her down to me.  I say ok.

Saturday: STBX calls me in LA to ask what time “in the morning” I will be picking the girl up Monday since his grandmother didn’t show.  I try to reexplain the conversation from Sunday, and he cuts me off by yelling that we agreed on the morning.  I try to reexplain again, and he cuts me off again…yelling louder, accusing me of double talking, being selfish, blah, blah, blah.  I calmly tell him when he actually wants to wait for an answer to a question instead of yelling over me, he can call me back, and ended the conversation.

Sunday: I call to talk to the girl.  I inform him calmly and politely that I will pick her up on my way home from the airport at 830am.  He says fine.

Monday: I fly home, don’t sleep on the plane, am a zombie by 9am, drop the girl of at the sitter at 930am, and crash for a couple hours of much needed sleep at 10am.

This morning:  STBX calls me at work requesting to pick the girl up and bring her back tomorrow afternoon since his grandmother came into town after all yesterday.  I ask if maybe I can keep her until Sunday in exchange (rather than our pre-arranged Saturday) and he begins yelling again.  He said no.  I asked why.  He said he was going to Pittsburg so he can’t pick her up from me Sunday.  I point out if he is going out of town, I’m supposed to have her, so what is the difference.  He says he’s taking her with him, to the Steelers/Cowboys football game, in Pittsburg, PA, our three year old daughter, in the winter, to a possibly volitile football game…WTF??  (Am I totally off here thinking that is just insane??) I expressed my concern and dislike of the idea…more yelling.  More name calling…more, more, more.  I simply replied with “Sorry for your grandmother, but if you won’t give me Sunday, you can’t pick her up today.  I don’t want to give up my time with her.”

So am I off?  Honestly, if he had asked instead of demanded, if he had talked instead of yelled and got mean, if he had been a human being instead of, well, himself, I would have said ok.  The girl doesn’t get to see her great-grandmother very much.  She is old, and gets great joy out of spending time with her great-granddaughter.  No problem.  The problem is STBX.  His attitude has changed, for the worse.  We were doing fine for a good number of months.  Minor disagreements, like any joint-parents, but no blow outs, no name calling, no “old STBX.”  It was peaceful, sort of.  But now, he’s regressed.  My fault for being optimistic and thinking he may have actually changed.  *sigh*sigh*

After our “talk,” I went on a local forum site to find a good lawyer.  I ended up on a Family Advocacy/Domestic Violence site and called for a consult.  We shall see how this goes.  Maybe they can help, maybe they can’t, but I have to try, for the girl’s site.  It’s not that I want him out of her life or I want to take all his money.  I just don’t want her to grow up in that kind of environment…the kind where women are subservient to men, no matter what.  Where the man’s opinion is all that counts.  Where emotional and mental abuse/cut-downs/damage is the norm.  I want to protect her from that, and the only way I can (as apparently STBX will never see the light) is to remove her for a majority from the environment and gain some control over her exposure.  *sigh*sigh*sigh*

Here she sits, watching Cinderella, lining up all her ponies, being innocent and sweet as can be.  She deserves innocence and happiness for as long as possible, and I intend to get that for her.  She deserves peace…peace of mind, a peaceful life, a peaceful existance.  She deserves it all, and i will do my damndest to get it for her…my baby girl.

It just hurts so much I’m numb

I’m sorry. I’ve been terrible this week about blogging. I’ve had a lot going on, and quite frankly have been a little low lately. I’m depressed, there I said it. I have so much to do, and I can’t even get up the motivation to do one thing. I’m fine outside of the house, but once I get home, it just all hits me and I can’t move, I can’t think, I can’t do anything. I’m stressed, I’m overwhelmed, and I miss him so much it hurts. He’s been gone three weeks, only three weeks out of the year that he will be away. What do I do?

When I get home, I can feel it so much more that he isn’t here. It’s his house, our house, and he’s not in it. I don’t want to go to bed at night because it’s our bed, and I don’t feel right if he’s not in it. We have never gone to bed separately (except for his recent traveling) and I hate that I have to now. And it’s not so simple as to be just loneliness. I miss him. I don’t just feel lonely for companionship, or a warm body, or anything like that, I feel lonely for him and only him.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid this feeling won’t go away and it will eat me up inside. I’m afraid I will take it out on my kids when they get home. I’m most afraid this year apart will end up bad for us.

We don’t have much of a history. We’ve known each other for two years, dated for one year, and that one year had more than a couple bumps, bruises, growing pains, and heartbreaking moments. We made it out, together, and happy. In love. And then he left. What if this year changes him? What if the environment and the time away from everything, time away from me makes him feel different? What if he’s a different person when he gets back than the one I fell so deeply in love with? What if he changes his mind? Hell, what if I’m different? What if he changes his mind and all this is for naught? I have fought so hard to be with him, I don’t know what I would do without him. It’s bad enough not having him here, physically in my life, but to be out of my life all together…I can’t even fathom it.

“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.”  –Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

I truly believe we have a “great” love.  I believe he is “the one.”  He is my perfect match, and I love him so much deeper than I ever knew possible.  All I can do is hope he believes and feels the same things…

So I’m depressed. I’m useless. I’m tired and I’m hungry. And I want it all to go away. I want to make him proud of me. He thinks this house is too much for me to handle and I so want to prove him wrong. I want to make it spotless, and find a place for everything, and fix it up a little. But when I can’t get off my ass to do anything, how can I do all that?

And now I’m rambling…