Hello, 2009, Nice To Meet You

Welcome to 2009!  This is a post that should have been put out yesterday, but since I was in the fetal position for most of the day having partied just a little too rambunctiously on New Year’s Eve, it had to wait.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m feeling 1 million times improved from yesterday.  Let’s just say I’m glad my neighbors slept in so as not to witness my full-force vomiting in my front yard while trying to stumble home.  (Thanks, Y, for helping a sister out!)

2008 has come and gone and between bouts of puking, chills, and sleep, I had plenty of time to think on the year and all that happened.  My year seemed stressful, and extra long, but in looking back, it really wasn’t that bad.  My relationship with Mr. W blossomed into the all-fulfilling splendor it is today.  Not without it’s hiccups and break-ups of course, but a little bit of heartbreak is good for a couple.  It makes you value what you have.  Knowing the pain of loss without actually losing just makes you want to hold on tighter in the end.

I worked things out with the ex-men, and have my son full time now, and my daughter…well, still working on that.  At least we aren’t fighting anymore.  That’s one thing.  Oh, and January 16th…the STBX will officially be X#2!!  Woo-freaking-hoo!!  17 long ass months…but it will finally be legally over!

Work is work is work.  I made new friends, and enemies, and found out who I can trust and can’t.  I got more responsibility which will hopefully lead to more pay in the near future.  But in the end, work is work is work.

2009 will be long and lonely with Mr. W away until September.  I do get to see him twice, for two weeks each on our fabulous family vacations…but home just isn’t home without him there.  I intend to get organized, stay busy (but not too busy), finish my degree and start on  my masters, take lots of pictures and maybe even sell a few, eat better, feed my family with love, and just be happier all around, for myself and for my loved ones.  After all, everyone knows if Mom’s not happy, no one is happy! 

So, funk-be-gone and let a very happy new year commence!

Resolutions…I’ve got them!

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ‘08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

November 29th post**

**My dad recently moved, so his wifi isn’t set up yet.  I wrote my posts on my laptop (of course I brought it!), and can post them now that I am home.  Here is the first, from November 29th…

Happy post Thanksgiving to you all! I trust everyone has gotten their fill of turkey (or ham, as preferred) and many, many leftover meals…sandwiches, soups, stews, omlettes…the list goes on and on of what you can do with those leftovers! Love the holidays and all their delectable offerings!

I am in LA, visiting my dad for the holiday weekend. The kids are with the ex-men for Thanksgiving as I get Christmas this year. Besides the food, Thanksgiving has never really held a special place in my heart, not the way Christmas does, so this scenario is just fine with me.

Upon landing at LAX, my dad and I headed over to a local authentic English pub in Santa Monica…just off the 3^rd Street Promenade for those of you in the know…The Kings Head. Great food. Great atmosphere. I so miss those steak and kidney pies and ploughman’s plates when I’m gone. (Seriously, don’t knock it till you try it!!) Growing up in England as I did, I had plenty of that stuff, but nowadays the only time I get it is when I visit out here. Plus we had a nice shandy with lunch (half beer or lager, half 7-up..again, try it before you turn your nose up). We headed off to meet my dad’s photographer friend for a chat and a cigar. Both very nice. He gave me some pointers on my picture taking and on the business itself and tried to convince my dad to buy me a Mac as an essential piece of my creative processing…we shall see how that goes. Christmas is coming, but I won’t hold my breath on that one. For dinner, we went to the other cigar shop and I had my first Kobe Beef hamburger. Holy shit, was that delicious!! And of course, another great cigar. We chilled out for a bit in the comfy leather chairs, chatting and such, before heading home.

Thanksgiving day was a strange one. He and my step mother kind of pushed me out of the kitchen early on, so I let them have the cooking duties and settled on watching the Lions lose terribly (sorry Mr. W) and the Cowboys win wonderfully (GO Cowboys!!), while getting sucked into World of Warcraft. Yes, I played it, and liked it. I can see how people get sucked in. Thankfully there is a $15 a month subscription fee to play, so that will keep me off. Dinner was good…at least the food part. We ate kind of informally, and everyone went their separate ways. Very strange for my family. Step-mom went upstairs for the rest of the night, while Dad and I vegged out on the couch. Very strange, indeed.

Friday was more chilling out. Some of Dad’s friends came over at 6pm and we played poker into the wee hours of the morning. I actually was up $45 by the time we quit at 130am, so that was nice. No step-mom as she was working. A good evening.

And today, Saturday, we started our day out with Dim Sum in Chinatown, then some browsing in the local shopping market areas. Lots of crap for not much money. I picked up a pair of faux crocs for Mr. W (shower shoes for Iraq) and a couple things for the four kids (his and mine). Nothing special. The weather is beautiful, finally. Sun. 75 degree weather. Nice. I do so miss California! I am hoping my dad will agree to head out to the beach down in Venice or Santa Monica for some prime picture taking this evening after Step-mom goes to work. We shall see…depends on his mood I suppose.

So for some background on the strangeness that is their relationship, and ultimately effecting my relationship with my father…they have been separated for almost two years now. Yeah, that’s right, two years. Older as I am, and having gone through two marriages, one being pretty rough and unhappy as my partner (STBX) was a not very nice, very selfish man, I can’t help but understand my dad’s position. I always say, you can’t help who you love. She is selfish (don’t really get how as she comes from a poor family of 14 children where the father died very young), and stubborn. She felt the need to cry to me the other morning about the whole thing, insisting it is all my dad’s fault they don’t get along, and she is too old to be unhappy, and she is going to give it another year but ultimately probably look for a divorce…blah, blah, blah. I listened, but held my tongue. I know how she is. I see it whenever I visit. I even lived with them for a short year before joining the military. Yes, my dad may have his faults (we all do) but she is a piece of work. Just for an instance…when #1 was trying really hard (and looked like he was going to be successful) to take the boy from me, when I was scared and broke and had no where else to turn for help, I asked my parents to help me, money being the main assistance in this of course for lawyers fees. She threw a fit (par for the course) and was pissed about my dad giving me $1500. This is the same woman who has several $1500 purses sitting, rarely used, in her closet, next to all the shoes, clothes, jewelry, etc, etc my dad has bought her over the years. WTF? My dad makes good money. She works at Wal-Mart. Yet he has to hide that he buys me plane tickets to visit him, that he bought me the best possession I own, my D-40, that he does anything for me, his only daughter, the only daughter he will every have. I say again…WTF?!

So, I would be really happy if my dad could manage to separate himself from her. It think it’s a terrible position for him to be in. I think he would be much happier without her. I think he could do so much better, or at least as his friend once told him, “If you are going to pay for it, it might as well be tall, blond and 22!” But, I digress. You can’t help who you love. It takes time. I of all people know that. It’s hard to move on, and age, kids, whatever, make it that much harder. It’s hard to let go of such a big chunk of your life. It’s hard not to hope things will change, even if, deep down, you know they won’t. I will hope for him. Not that things will change, but that he can finally let go. We shall see, I suppose.

That is my visit so far. More to come, as I have two more days here before heading back to the cold, daily grind.

Happy early Thanksgiving…here are my updates

I have been terrible about keeping up with my blog lately.  I suck!  I’m going to LA for Thanksgiving, so the terrible-ness will probably continue.  I have no excuse…I’m sorry! 

Well, to update:

The boy is doing much better.  I took him up to his dad’s on Sunday, but he got over the thing with the sitter last week, and was expressing, a lot, how much he missed Mr. W.  But he is happy with the sitter, once again, and was bragging to me about how good he has been.  I’m glad that passed.  At the suggestion of one of my readers (thank you Y!) I asked Mr. W to send the boy a letter or card addressed just for him.  Maybe that will help a little.  He is very anxious for Mr. W to come home.  I can’t quite get him to understand that Mr. W will be gone for a long time (really long in kid years) but will come back.  I don’t want him to forget, or worse, think he just left us, but at the same time I don’t want to stop talking about Mr. W and reassuring that he will be back.  I’m trying to find a balance that works for the boy…trying to find balance…story of my life!

Over the next three weeks or so, my intent/goal/plan is to get my other sites up and running.  By other sites, I mean my writebrite.net blog…yep, I’m going over to the dark side…sort of.  I want to install the wordpress.org software on my computer and stick with them, but I like the idea of having my own blog, you know, that I own…sorta, kinda.  I’ve been procrastinating on setting it up, although I did buy the address…so we shall see. 

Also, I will be working on my site for my new semi-business.  I have been hesitant to talk about it, as I was afraid it was too good to be true, but all has been confirmed so I think it is safe.  Just over a month ago I got a comment on my photo blog (click here) which has sent me in a whirlwind of wonderfulness!  Confession:  I have always dreamed of being a photographer.  I love to take pictures.  i actually walk around sometimes and see things in squares, like in the frame of a photo.  Weird, I know.  Anyway, it’s a dream, but it’s always been one of those ridiculous never ever in a million years going to happen dreams that you don’t even talk about because it’s so far fetched…until now.  So I got the comment, and of course immediately contacted her.  Long story short, she bought that picture, then contracted me to go up to Philly on 3 more trips to take more for her, paid trips mind you, very well paid trips, and she bought those pictures too!  All together I think I took somewhere around 700 photos for her…and enjoyed every freaking minute of it!  I could have done it for free!  Yeah, Philly was like 40 degrees for the most part, and yeah I got lost a lot, and yeah I walked about 10 miles in the city on each of the 3 trips, but it was great.  Walking around a beautiful city, taking pictures of its beauty…and oh yeah, getting paid to do it!!  Who could ask for anything more??!!  (Can you tell I’m excited??)  Apparently they are doing some promotional work-ups for the NJ Transit Authority and Septa joining in a way that allows you to use them both on the same fare.  My pictures will grace the website and train stations and other advertising materials.  Yea!!  I’m so very excited!  So I’m trying to put together a web site for my work in the hopes that others will want to hire me for their photographic needs.  We shall see!  I’ll keep you all posted and my fingers crossed!

And at work…oh wonderful work…(blah) I’ve been promoted…not exactly, nominated…um, no, tasked..there you go, tasked with the training program.  Silver lining; I’ve been busy.  Very busy actually.  That is part of the hit on my blogging time, and my homework time, which sucks.  But it also makes the day go faster, which makes the week go faster, which makes the months go faster, which brings Mr. W home sooner.  So it’s not so bad.  Now if only I could motivate the ones standing in my way of making some real progress on the training program to either help or sit the $#%@ down.  Hmmm…

So that is that.  I plan to take the laptop to LA with me and take tons of pictures…so I shall share my Thanksgiving, sunny California style with you while I’m gone, I promise!

 

*side note…why does “blog” and “blogging” come up under the spell check in a blog?  Things that make you go hmmmm….

Close your eyes and point

Time is running very short for Mr. W’s departure.  He isn’t leaving leaving until the second week of October, but he will be on travel and away for the two weeks prior beginning this Sunday. THAT’S ONLY 4 DAYS AWAY!!  This sucks. 

We’ve been “picking” at each other and misreading statements, or rather the intent of statements for the last couple of days, which makes the suck that much more.  Why is it in times of stress you pick at or take it out on the ones you love the most? 

Anyway, I’m trying not to concentrate on the fact that he is leaving, or that he will be gone for A WHOLE FREAKIN YEAR! but rather on the trips that we will make together and the opportunities this new job and the money will create for him.  I’m not sure if I mentioned before, but this job allows two airfare paid trips to anywhere in the world.  Anywhere.  We are leaning (as a collective of him, his kids, and I) towards Australia in March and Rome in the summer.  Money isn’t really an issue, well, not too much of an issue anyway.  I’ve learned that one of the guys from the last crew that went to Iraq only went on one trip.  He took his wife and kid to Rome…and spent $28,000 on a week!  Not sure how he managed that one, but needless to say, a second trip was nixed shortly thereafter.  But seriously, when you have the whole world at your doorstep and a $10,000-ish budget, where do you go?  We are all fairly well traveled, the kids more than the two of us.  Most of their travels took them to Asian countries, so they aren’t keen on going back there.  I’ve lived in England, so while I want to go back there someday (and am quite frankly happy to go anywhere as long as I get to see Mr. W) that isn’t really in the mix of options.  Plus, for the March trip, we want somewhere warm, leaving the cooler temps in Europe for the Summer trip.  Mr. W lived in Puerto Rico and the kids visited him there often, so an island trip isn’t really in the cards either, unless of course it’s some non-Puerto Rico-like island that we haven’t thought of yet.  Plus, my suggestion is to have one trip be to somewhere with more natural sights and photo-ops, and have the other be for more architectural, museum-ish, man-made sort of sights.

So here leaves my shameless scam for drawing comments:  Two trips, anywhere in the world (besides the US), $10,000, two (fantasticly well traveled) teenagers and two adults, where would you go?