Pushing Boundaries

Every couple months or so, my kids decide they want to push their limits.  Not physically, but thier  Mommy-imposed limits.  Thankfully they tend to be on a different schedule so I am not faced with two little monsters at the same time, although there have been particularly rough patches when their push time has overlapped.  I’m guessing the girl’s time was when my parents were visiting and she was going through a “No!/I don’t want to” phase.  Now it’s the boy’s turn.

Granted, he’s been a little under the weather since returning Saturday from his dad’s (par for the course) so he’s been medicated most nights just so he can breathe well enough to sleep.  Thanks to the benadryl, he is getting sleep, but it also makes him very tired in the morning.  (Of course it probably doesn’t help that his dad also lets him stay up to whatever time he wants with the hope that he will sleep in the  next day…nothing like taking the needs of your kids above your own!) 

Anyway, the boy has been cranky, whiny, defiant, and argumentative, and it’s driving me nuts.  Add to it that my PMSing (read: insomnia, lack of concentration, achy body, and general all-around crankiness) and today marks day three of not smoking, and that makes for an all around unpleasant mood in my house.  *sigh* This too shall pass…right?

I get that kids push their boundaries, but when half the time they don’t have any boundaries whatsoever, they push that much harder when suddenly some are imposed.  This is making life as a co-parent/single mommy very difficult.  I have friends who mourn the fact that their kids’ other parent is not involved at all, but I have a hard time sympathising when I go through this tug-of-war constantly.  I feel bad about bitching that my ex-men and their families (yeah…they live with their parents, still, after 6 and 2 years, respectively…I have great taste in boys men!) are so overly involved in my kids’ lives, but really, when all you want is to be able to work together to make a child’s already broken life more stable and you find yourself butting heads with not just the other parent, but the other parent’s parents, it gets very frustrating.  I could suffer through it all, money, stress, balancing everything on my own, if they would just step the hell off!  But they won’t, so I find kids and myself the victim of their whims and bad judgement time and time again. *sigh*sigh*

A bright spot: the boy rarely goes through this pushing thing for more than a couple days, so by the time the girl comes back home this weekend, he should be back to being his normal princely self.  Hopefully the girl has got it out of her system for the month and we will have peace over the next couple weeks…hopefully.

School is a Hit!

His day did get exponentially better!  Yea!  In a little over two hours of his first day of school, the boy had so much to tell me, all with a perma-grin.  I’m so happy it got better!  HUGE sigh of relief here.

As the class walked to the front hall where the bus driver and a scattering of parents were waiting, I looked on anxiously to read the face of my little one, completely distraught with the thought that I would see and unhappy face, or even worse, evidence of crying.  My fears couldn’t be further from the reality.  He walked out, proud, with the rest of the class, holding hands with a little girl.  I didn’t really pay attention to her, as most of the kids seemed to have a “buddy system” thing going on for walking through the halls.  She went to her dad, and the boy came up to me.  He waved bye to his teacher, and after a quick introduction to his bus driver, he drug me outside to the car.  Once away from any possibly prying ears, he dropped the bomb…

The boy:  “Mommy, did you see that girl who was holding my hand?”

Me: “Yes, I saw her.”

The boy:  “She’s beautiful!”

Me: “Yes, she is very pretty.  What is her name?”

The boy: (puzzled) “I already told you.”

Me: “You did?  What is it?”

The boy:(very matter-of-factly) “BEAU-TI-FUL!”

Me: (after picking my jaw up from the parking lot) “Oh…”

Thankfully he was happy to prattle on past Ms. Beautiful to the books and the teacher and all the other things they did until we arrived at the sitter’s house.  He ran in and began on her about his day, throwing me a quick kiss before he went about his merry way. 

My little boy is growing up…and already has a girlfriend??!!  *sigh*

At least his first day went well.  I was a little more worried than I originally thought.  Now I’m contemplating what kind of school-age mom I will turn out to be…and what kind of school-age kid he will be.  Will he be a trouble maker?  Will he be picked on?  Will I be in parent-teacher conferences constantly?  Will I be a member of the PTA?  Can I imagine myself as a PTA mom?  Will I help him with his homework (yes, even in Pre-K…on his first day…he has homework)?  Will he help me with mine one day?  Will he get straight A’s?  Will he struggle?  Will he need speech therapy?  Will he be smart, but lazy, as I was?  Will he push himself?  Will he be happy with mediocrity?  So many worries/concerns/questions/what-ifs…and it’s only his first day!  What ever am I going to do when the girl starts school too? 

The hardest part of all of this is not being directly involved in his everyday life.  I have always had a hard time with not knowing, I mean really knowing what was going on at his dad’s house; what he is doing, how he reacts to things, what is going on around him, etc, etc.  Now, there is another venue for the hole in my sight.  I always made a point to go early and stay a few minutes late at daycare, just to have time to observe him there, just so I could pretend I knew what was going on throughout the day while I’m at work.  It’s amazing how far I can stretch a few minutes a day and pretend it’s always that way!  I can’t so much do that now…and especially as he gets older.  (I can imagine the “oh Mmmoooommm“s now!)  *sigh*  Why do they have to grow up so fast?

Resolutions…I’ve got them!

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ‘08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

Has he stolen my Christmas?

This is my first post with the new WordPress dashboard design…not sure how I feel about it yet, but we shall see.

Today was a better day.  I woke up in a decent mood, better than I have in weeks.  Still not perfect though.  It’s Christmas time, and under normal circumstances I would be totally geeky with Christmas cheer.  Normally the tree is up directly following Thanksgiving, along with the lights outside, the garlands and TONS of decor inside.  Normally I’m fighting the urge to buy a set of those ridiculous lighted moving reindeer for the front yard while resisting the urge to change all my presets on my car radio to the Holiday Music channels (one or two is normal, right?).  Normally I’m spending every spare moment either internet or real life Christmas shopping, spending way too much money on everyone I know not expecting a thing in return.  Normally I’m scouring the TV channels for every Christmas movie or classic ever made…Charlie Brown’s Christmas, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Mickey’s Christmas Carol, Nightmare Before Christmas, Frosty, Rudolph, and anything else resembling a Christmas movie.  But this Christmas doesn’t feel very normal.  Things just don’t feel quite right.  Mr. W isn’t here, won’t be here for Christmas, won’t be here for a long while.  I’m fighting with the STBX, so that makes my daughter’s life and my life a little more stressed than can possibly be healthy.  Thanksgiving was just…I don’t know, nonexistent?  Maybe that is the problem.  I didn’t get my annual happy family warm up to the holiday season, and although my mom and step-dad are flying in for the big day, and I get the kids this year, I just don’t feel ready? able? willing? to celebrate.

I spent hours today wracking my brain for gift ideas.  What to get my parents, my friends, my kids?? Last year it was bikes (and just the three of us in a post-Holiday celebration as the ex-men get the odd years).  The year before was lap-top computers (kid ones, not real ones).  But this year…I have no idea.  What kind of mom is that?  It’s not like they are fussy teenagers or anything.  They are kids!  Three and five years old!  How damn hard can it be?

So here I am in my Christmas cheer-less funk…not even a week alone with the girl (as wonderful as our week has been) and a dose of whoville and the Grinch (on right now) has managed to pull me out if it.  Maybe the Grinch is hitting a little close to home this year.  Maybe I’m just getting a slow start.  Only time will tell.

People say the strangest things…

Yesterday a co-worker made a comment to me about my clothes and I’m not exactly sure what to make of it.  “You make me sick, you are so skinny.  I could never dress like you.”  Now, she is not a big girl.  In fact, (and especially) considering she has a 3 year old and an 18 month old, she is in very good shape…probably about a size 6, maybe a small 8…and she is tall.  So I said, “What are you talking about, look at you…” and before I could finish someone else chimed in with “you can dress like that.”  She responded, “No, I’m not a girly girl.  I can’t dress all cute like that.”  What does that mean??  I began defending myself without even thinking about it, saying I only dress like that for work, I’m not a girly girl either, at home it’s all jeans and t-shirts…blah, blah, blah.  That is true, to a point.  I try to look nice and professional at work, although I sometimes don’t, or completely miss the mark.  When I get home, it’s sweats time, and on the weekends it’s mostly jeans, although I do try to maintain an element of cuteness if I’m going somewhere…but 90% of the time it’s jeans. 

But why defend myself?  What is wrong with trying to look nice, especially at work?  I don’t go overboard.  No crazy make-up.  No perfect hair.  Not much in the way of accessories unless I’m feeling extra spunky in the morning (and have time to accessorize).  I don’t get it. 

So was it a jab or a compliment?  Hmm…

A couple weeks ago, my friend Y had a similar experience I was lucky enough to witness.  She has gone grey at an early age and dyes her hair.  It had been awhile since she had made it to the salon, so there was a little streakage showing at her roots, but whatever.  She’s a busy lady (5 kids, full time work, school, extra-curricular, oh yeah, and her hubby is in Iraq with Mr. W, so she’s doing it all!)  A co-worker who is known to be a little on the bitchy side (I’ve personally experienced this three times now) mentioned casually, “I wish I could be like you.  I could never let my hair go like that…” trailing off from there.  What does that mean?? 

In case you are wondering, my three negative experiences are these:

• Compliment on my shirt from her.  Statement that I got it from Target or Walmart (I don’t remember) from me.  “Oh, I don’t shop there…” in a smug tone from her.  ???
• Conversation with Mr. W: “You better not be dating ________.  She has too much baggage.”  from a woman recently split from her husband, on the prowl, and oh yeah, she has 3 boys…2 from the husband, and one from some other man who we know nothing about that she was never married to nor had any intention of marrying.  I’m not judging at all,  but seriously, who is she to say that I have too much baggage??
• Conversation with me about Mr. W after informing her that we were moving in together:  “I don’t know what happened with them.  I really like ______ (his ex).”  WTF???  I’m his girlfriend, and you want to tell me how much you liked his cheating, high-maintenance, selfish, hurtful, putting-Mr. W-through-some-serious-misery ex??? Seriously??!!

What are these people thinking?  Or a better question, are they thinking?  Are these twisted compliments?  Or are they twisted cut-downs in disguise?  I just don’t get it.