I’m Weak

Ok, cutting back on the double-posting…read it at writebrite.net. 

Pushing Boundaries

Every couple months or so, my kids decide they want to push their limits.  Not physically, but thier  Mommy-imposed limits.  Thankfully they tend to be on a different schedule so I am not faced with two little monsters at the same time, although there have been particularly rough patches when their push time has overlapped.  I’m guessing the girl’s time was when my parents were visiting and she was going through a “No!/I don’t want to” phase.  Now it’s the boy’s turn.

Granted, he’s been a little under the weather since returning Saturday from his dad’s (par for the course) so he’s been medicated most nights just so he can breathe well enough to sleep.  Thanks to the benadryl, he is getting sleep, but it also makes him very tired in the morning.  (Of course it probably doesn’t help that his dad also lets him stay up to whatever time he wants with the hope that he will sleep in the  next day…nothing like taking the needs of your kids above your own!) 

Anyway, the boy has been cranky, whiny, defiant, and argumentative, and it’s driving me nuts.  Add to it that my PMSing (read: insomnia, lack of concentration, achy body, and general all-around crankiness) and today marks day three of not smoking, and that makes for an all around unpleasant mood in my house.  *sigh* This too shall pass…right?

I get that kids push their boundaries, but when half the time they don’t have any boundaries whatsoever, they push that much harder when suddenly some are imposed.  This is making life as a co-parent/single mommy very difficult.  I have friends who mourn the fact that their kids’ other parent is not involved at all, but I have a hard time sympathising when I go through this tug-of-war constantly.  I feel bad about bitching that my ex-men and their families (yeah…they live with their parents, still, after 6 and 2 years, respectively…I have great taste in boys men!) are so overly involved in my kids’ lives, but really, when all you want is to be able to work together to make a child’s already broken life more stable and you find yourself butting heads with not just the other parent, but the other parent’s parents, it gets very frustrating.  I could suffer through it all, money, stress, balancing everything on my own, if they would just step the hell off!  But they won’t, so I find kids and myself the victim of their whims and bad judgement time and time again. *sigh*sigh*

A bright spot: the boy rarely goes through this pushing thing for more than a couple days, so by the time the girl comes back home this weekend, he should be back to being his normal princely self.  Hopefully the girl has got it out of her system for the month and we will have peace over the next couple weeks…hopefully.

School is a Hit!

His day did get exponentially better!  Yea!  In a little over two hours of his first day of school, the boy had so much to tell me, all with a perma-grin.  I’m so happy it got better!  HUGE sigh of relief here.

As the class walked to the front hall where the bus driver and a scattering of parents were waiting, I looked on anxiously to read the face of my little one, completely distraught with the thought that I would see and unhappy face, or even worse, evidence of crying.  My fears couldn’t be further from the reality.  He walked out, proud, with the rest of the class, holding hands with a little girl.  I didn’t really pay attention to her, as most of the kids seemed to have a “buddy system” thing going on for walking through the halls.  She went to her dad, and the boy came up to me.  He waved bye to his teacher, and after a quick introduction to his bus driver, he drug me outside to the car.  Once away from any possibly prying ears, he dropped the bomb…

The boy:  “Mommy, did you see that girl who was holding my hand?”

Me: “Yes, I saw her.”

The boy:  “She’s beautiful!”

Me: “Yes, she is very pretty.  What is her name?”

The boy: (puzzled) “I already told you.”

Me: “You did?  What is it?”

The boy:(very matter-of-factly) “BEAU-TI-FUL!”

Me: (after picking my jaw up from the parking lot) “Oh…”

Thankfully he was happy to prattle on past Ms. Beautiful to the books and the teacher and all the other things they did until we arrived at the sitter’s house.  He ran in and began on her about his day, throwing me a quick kiss before he went about his merry way. 

My little boy is growing up…and already has a girlfriend??!!  *sigh*

At least his first day went well.  I was a little more worried than I originally thought.  Now I’m contemplating what kind of school-age mom I will turn out to be…and what kind of school-age kid he will be.  Will he be a trouble maker?  Will he be picked on?  Will I be in parent-teacher conferences constantly?  Will I be a member of the PTA?  Can I imagine myself as a PTA mom?  Will I help him with his homework (yes, even in Pre-K…on his first day…he has homework)?  Will he help me with mine one day?  Will he get straight A’s?  Will he struggle?  Will he need speech therapy?  Will he be smart, but lazy, as I was?  Will he push himself?  Will he be happy with mediocrity?  So many worries/concerns/questions/what-ifs…and it’s only his first day!  What ever am I going to do when the girl starts school too? 

The hardest part of all of this is not being directly involved in his everyday life.  I have always had a hard time with not knowing, I mean really knowing what was going on at his dad’s house; what he is doing, how he reacts to things, what is going on around him, etc, etc.  Now, there is another venue for the hole in my sight.  I always made a point to go early and stay a few minutes late at daycare, just to have time to observe him there, just so I could pretend I knew what was going on throughout the day while I’m at work.  It’s amazing how far I can stretch a few minutes a day and pretend it’s always that way!  I can’t so much do that now…and especially as he gets older.  (I can imagine the “oh Mmmoooommm“s now!)  *sigh*  Why do they have to grow up so fast?

The First Day of School

I just dropped the boy off for his first day of school.  HUGE milestone in his/my life!  And before you ask, no, did not cry.  It may seem callous to those of you who tear up during commercials for the Sears Portrait Studio and carry an endless supply of Kleenex in your purses (no offense intended to those of you who do), but I’m just not that girl.  I don’t cry often, and especially not in front of my kids.  But I will admit it was difficult.  The most difficult part was leaving him in the care of someone I don’t know…well actually a lot of someones if you count the whole school administration thing.  He was actually excited at one point about going to school, but that quickly faded into “whatever” when we got up this morning, and sunk into something that looked a little like fear mixed with “why the hell are you abandoning me in this weird place” by the time we got to his classroom.  It may be part my fault.  My endless, “are you excited? make sure you listen to all the grown-ups. are you excited? you’re starting school! are you excited? make sure you tell your teacher if you need to go potty. are you excited? make sure you tell the bus driver you are going to Miss B’s house after school. are you excited? be a good boy. are you excited? ARE YOU EXCITED?!”  Really, who can blame the kid when mom is a little bit of a freak!? But he is a trooper, armed with his new yellow folder in his SpongeBob backpack, with his SpongeBob shirt, and third pair of clean underwear (not sure why he felt the need to change three times since last night, but whatever makes him comfortable), and his Spiderman Sketchers, we headed to the school.

When we got to his new classroom, it was “circle time.”  Now, I have no idea what “circle time” actually is, or what the goal is, but whatever.  All the kids were on the floor…in a circle, of course…with the teacher.  The boy took one look at the scene and was instantly opposed to it.  The teacher did not get up to meet him (grumble grumble grumble) but did invite him to come sit with the rest of them.  He just stared.  I gave him a little push and asked if he wanted to go sit…mistake…I should never have posed a question like he had some other option.  He calmly looked at me and said, “how about I do something else?”  Ha!  My little genius doesn’t need no stinking school!  After a little coercion, both verbal and physical, he trudged head down and sat next to the teacher.  Guessing that was my cue to leave, I shot him a smile and waved, which he returned with a blank stare, also known as his I’m-really-not-happy-about-this-whole-situation-here,-MOM look and I reluctantly walked back to the front of the school with the secretary.

And now I am home, counting the seconds until I can run back (litterally, I could run…the school is about a 1/2 mile from my house) to the school to scoop him back in my arms.  My only hope is that his day got exceedingly better after I left…I hope, I hope I hope…

Hello, 2009, Nice To Meet You

Welcome to 2009!  This is a post that should have been put out yesterday, but since I was in the fetal position for most of the day having partied just a little too rambunctiously on New Year’s Eve, it had to wait.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m feeling 1 million times improved from yesterday.  Let’s just say I’m glad my neighbors slept in so as not to witness my full-force vomiting in my front yard while trying to stumble home.  (Thanks, Y, for helping a sister out!)

2008 has come and gone and between bouts of puking, chills, and sleep, I had plenty of time to think on the year and all that happened.  My year seemed stressful, and extra long, but in looking back, it really wasn’t that bad.  My relationship with Mr. W blossomed into the all-fulfilling splendor it is today.  Not without it’s hiccups and break-ups of course, but a little bit of heartbreak is good for a couple.  It makes you value what you have.  Knowing the pain of loss without actually losing just makes you want to hold on tighter in the end.

I worked things out with the ex-men, and have my son full time now, and my daughter…well, still working on that.  At least we aren’t fighting anymore.  That’s one thing.  Oh, and January 16th…the STBX will officially be X#2!!  Woo-freaking-hoo!!  17 long ass months…but it will finally be legally over!

Work is work is work.  I made new friends, and enemies, and found out who I can trust and can’t.  I got more responsibility which will hopefully lead to more pay in the near future.  But in the end, work is work is work.

2009 will be long and lonely with Mr. W away until September.  I do get to see him twice, for two weeks each on our fabulous family vacations…but home just isn’t home without him there.  I intend to get organized, stay busy (but not too busy), finish my degree and start on  my masters, take lots of pictures and maybe even sell a few, eat better, feed my family with love, and just be happier all around, for myself and for my loved ones.  After all, everyone knows if Mom’s not happy, no one is happy! 

So, funk-be-gone and let a very happy new year commence!