Resolutions…I’ve got them!

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ‘08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

Needed: large shot of will power with a motivation chaser

“Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.” – Tallulah Bankhead

Caffeine and nicotine.

I’m drinking my afternoon RedBull, having just smoked my last in my pack of cigarettes, contemplating whether I will buy another on my way home.  I’m trying to quit, just not very actively.  I even went and bought a herbal elixer from the local alterna-store and tried it…and guess what, it works…so I stopped taking it.  I’m not sure what it is.  I know better.  I know it’s bad for me.  I know it’s a bad influence type thing for my kids.  I know my car stinks like something crawled under the seat and died about two months ago.  I know my teeth aren’t as shiny white as they should be.  I know I’m not enjoying food like I could and should.  I know this lingering cold is a direct result of the smoking.  I know smoking has something to do with my recent return of the migraines.  I know I feel like crap at the end of the day and don’t even enjoy that first cigarette of the day like I used to.  I know I should quit…but it makes me think of another quote:

“When you say I should, you are imposing someone else’s expectations on yourself” — D.

So she asked me if I am feeling like I want to quit smoking, or if other people are telling me I should quit smoking, and honestly, I don’t know.  I know all the reasons, but do I really have a want to quit?  It used to be easy.  I was a casual smoker, and could start and stop on a dime…but I was taking anti-depressants then.  Now…not so much.  I’m actually addicted and I’m running pretty short on will power these days. 

Things I should do:

• quit smoking
• organize my clutter
• throw a bunch of stuff away
• plan and prepare healthy, well-balanced meals for my family
• get up earlier
• get ahead in my school work
• work on my training project at work
• sweep up the (thousand) leaves in the back yard
• throw away the (million) leaves I’ve already bagged
• work on my surprise for Mr. W
• install, learn, and utilize my photo editing software
• install, learn, and utilize the wordpress software and apply to my own site
• work on my art project

Things I want to do:

•  
•  
•  

Yeah, that’s how it is.

Love Your Body Day?

According to the NOW Foundation (The National Organization for Women…really?  I didn’t know we had our own nation wide organization) yesterday was Love Your Body Day.  Hmmm…that’s funny, I missed it.  It’s kind of ironic, actually, since I have been pondering my relationship with my body just recently, and whether or not I do actually love it.  I’ve gone back and forth with it, but I’m still not sure.

I had a crisis a number of months back when I realized just how skinny I had gotten (from a bigger than 10 to a smaller than 4 in about 6 months).  It was more from stress than anything else.  I had just started working out and got my first glimpses of myself in those 360-floor-to-ceiling gym mirrors.  After a couple months getting up at 430am and going to the gym to lift with Mr. W, I began to get used to the skinny girl in the mirrors, and I noticed a few things about her:  She was growing muscles!  She was getting stronger!  She had energy!  She was feeling better!  It was great!  But, alas, I say was, because I haven’t been to the gym in over 2 months.  With Mr. W leaving, we kind of skipped over our mornings in lieu of spending more awake time together at night, and with his traveling up until he did leave, he wasn’t home much to go to the gym with anyway.  I know, I know, it’s no excuse.  I could still drag my ass out of bed and go, but seriously, I need a partner, a spotter, a cheerleader.

After 2 months, I feel like crap.  I’ve been semi-sick for about 1 1/2 months out of the 2.  My metabolism has slowed back to a crawl.  My clothes are becoming more and more snug.  I’m tired all the time.  I’m back in the vicious circle of insomnia.  And I just generally feel like crap.  Not to mention the little muscle tone I had aquired and was oh-so proud of has disappeared.  So just when I was beginning to love my body again after so many years of hard times and a rocky relationship, we are back to square one.  *ugh* 

The plan is (here I go with a plan, a goal, a disappointment waiting to happen) to pull myself out of this physical funk I am in and do some sort of exercising activity every day for the next two weeks (while the babes are gone).  Be it running or going to the gym or yoga or working out at home or just simply walking, I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING!  Really, I am.  NO REEAALLY!  I want to love my body.  I really do.  I don’t want to be super skinny.  I don’t want six-pack abs.  I don’t want bigger boobs.  (Ok, I do want bigger boobs, but I was learning to like myself in spite of their laking) I just want a little muscle tone.  I want to have clear skin.  I want to fit in the clothes I have so I don’t have to buy more of the staples and can concentrate on things like shoes and accessories.  I want to feel good.  I want to sleep.  I want to be healthy. 

Dear Body,

If you can give me all the things I’ve listed above, I will love you always.  I promise not to abuse you.  I promise not to neglect you.  I promise not to feed you endless amounts of junk, although the occasional treat would definitely be deserved.  I will put all our problems and hang-ups behind us.  I will love you.

Please??

–me

And a plea to all of you out there reading this:  BUG ME!!  NAG ME!!  Especially those of you who know me outside the blogosphere.  I need a little prodding to get me going, and while I may be whiny at first, I will love you for it!

Shopping on the internet…what will they come up with next??

I’ve discovered my weakness…shopping.  I just can’t help it.  I found internet shopping while I was deployed a few years back, and it has opened up a whole new world for me…shopping at work, shopping at home, shopping non-stop.  It’s horrible.  Shopping hits an all-time high for me when I am bummed, so I’ve been browsing even more than normal now, finding all the things I need want at my fingertips and in my virtual shopping cart.  It takes all the strength I have to hit the little “x” at the top of the screen to close before purchasing whatever it is that I feel I just can’t live without at that moment.

What am I looking at now? 

Colin Stewart boots.  They are so damn tempting!  And at $149, just the right price.  The only problem is I want them in all three colors!

Ugg boots.  The warm, fur lined, but not totally hideous ones that look like bedroom slippers gone rogue.

 

Skinny jeans.  Like I really need more jeans…but what would I wear with my Ugg boots??

Shoes, and boots, and sandles…oh my!  Because, really…do you need an excuse for more? 

 

A vanity.  It’s something I actually will get sometime in the near future.  We (Mr. W and I) have a very small master bath and with all my never-used-but-must-be-kept-just-in-case bathroom products and beauty supplies, there just isn’t enough storage space!

Home improvement stuff.  There is painting that needs to be done.  Shelving to be put up.  Storage that needs to be figured out.  Pruning for the fall and planting in the spring.  Decorating for two adults, plus a 15, a 13, a 5, and a 3 year old.  Plus the countless little things that will no doubt come up over the next year. 

Home gym equipment.  With the boy being full time, there won’t be an opportunity for my two week morning workouts anymore.  I don’t really want Mr. W to come home to the chubby and lethargic lady I will become if I don’t keep up on my exercise.  My only thought to remedy is to force myself to workout at home.  I figure if I spend a little money on some sort of equipment, that might help inspire me to get off my butt and do something, maybe, possibly…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And with Christmas looming on the horizon, and quite a few more additions to my list of “to buy fors,” I’m beginning my search for gifts.  Christmas is by far my favorite holiday time of year.  I get all geeky and giddy all month long and I refuse to let anything or anyone get me down (minus the year STBX and I actually separated on Christmas ever…long story).  I’m one of those who refuses to buy the “useful” gift, and most likely I will only buy what is asked for as a last resort.  I figure, if you are important enough for me to want to give a gift at Christmas, you are important enough for me to put some thought into it and get you something great.  So the search begins…

 

Yes, shopping is my weakness.  2 online purchases today.  After work, groceries from Wal-Mart, which will inevidibly end in other-than-grocery items in my cart, then Michael’s, possibly Target, and then…who knows.  I don’t know if my bank account can survive a year of this!

My 100th post…

So this is my 100th post. I understand for you veteran bloggers, # 100 is small peanuts, but for me…it’s big. 6 months and 100 posts means I may actually have found a niche somewhere, I may actually stick with this, this thing that seems to be such a valuable outlet for me emotionally, creatively, and many other words ending with -ly, I’m sure. So after posting my last post and noticing that it was in fact # 99, I began pondering what in the world I would write about in my 100th post?? Obviously, I haven’t figured that out yet since it took me 2 days to get back at the keyboard (despite my regular, bordering on obsessive checking of my dashboard) and my now apparent rambling. Hmmm…

Do I write about the babies? How the girl is doing so much better with actually trying to make it to the potty, however, has also taken to dumping the contents of her panties on the floor in the bathroom when she doesn’t! Ewww! Will my life forever revolve around handling poop?? Or possibly about how the boy has decided he has the right, as the older brother, to take part in the disciplining of his sister. He mimics any lessons, scolding, or yellings that go on when they are directed at her, and in fact, this very morning I caught him spanking her for not listening to him while he was trying to help her with her shoes. Now, I realize this is probably a normal thing for a spanking household, but it has been a while since I spanked her (even longer for him) and even then, it was a moment of weakness on a particularly tough night. He spent the morning sulking in time-out as consequence…is that fair?

Or perhaps I could write about his Wonderfulness himself, Mr. W?? How two weeks ago he asked me to move in with him when my lease is up in October. How he had been thinking about it for weeks before that and had even discussed it with his first wife, mother of his two children, and she was supportive of the idea. How I accepted, after about a week of intense deliberation with myself about the pros (Mr. W, bigger house, kids have own rooms, obviously financial, Mr. W) and cons (kids dealing with change, again, Mr. W having to deal with the kids on a daily, hourly, minute-ly basis), and am now very excited in all the planning for the big move and making his house our home. I do have creeping bad thoughts every now and again. Nothing about whether or not we will be ok, despite our track record…described here, here, and here, I actually have no worry about that (er…isn’t that usually when poop hits the fan…kidding, Mr. W!) ..but, mostly about my kids. I worry about how he is going to take to having two small children thrown into his world so abruptly and constantly. I worry about how they are going to take it too, although not as much since they adore him. I worry about their dads more than anything. Not so much the STBX. He could care less at this point. He makes that quite clear. He already said he wants to meet Mr. W after the divorce is final (16 days and counting!!) but only because he is obviously a part of the girl’s life. Normal dad stuff…I get it. But then there is Ex-#1. He will find any excuse to drag me into court and try to paint me in a bad light. BUT, Mr. W’s house is a 3 bedroom, so the kids will have their own rooms…something that Ex-#1 has been hemming and hawing about for awhile now. Mr. W is a GREAT guy, so there are no legs to stand on in trying to say anything bad about him. And, oh yeah, I’m not his wife anymore…haven’t been for 5 years now…so he can suck it if he thinks he has any right to regulate my life and choices therein! Hrmph! Nuff said! But I am looking forward to living with Mr. W. He’s sweet and considerate and caring. He’s neat, can cook, and is great with my kids. He has good design taste (you know, paint and stuff) and he’s very accommodating and open for suggestions on colors, layout, furniture keeping/selling/placement. And best part yet…HE’S LETTING ME DECORATE FROM IKEA!! Have I mentioned my LOVE for Ikea?? Just in case I haven’t…I LOVE IKEA!! Ok, I’ll stop.

I could write about the 5-freakin-MILE RUN that Mr. W convinced me to sign up for…even though I’ve only run a total of 2 miles since our last 5K in what…mid-June? (I have not yet reached running goddess status…I’m not even at lowly running-handmaiden or even a running-mortal-peasant! (Ok, maybe I took that analogy a little far…) but seriously! How can I possibly run 5-freakin-MILES next month?? Ah well, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and I seriously doubt I will actually die from running 5-freakin-MILES, although I will probably be in a fair amount of pain….

I could write about work…but nah…too boring. Same old shit, same old co-workers/stupid people, same every day.

And what else is there in my life? Not much…but it’s kind of nice that way. Not much excitement usually coincides with not much stress, and that is just fine with me!