I’m Weak

Ok, cutting back on the double-posting…read it at writebrite.net. 

Resolutions…I’ve got them!

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ‘08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

Failing….

!#@$^*%&^$#^&*I%$^*(%*$##%$  ← (insert any combination of foul language you feel is appropriate here)

I can’t handle this. 

I’m not the type to hide in the bathroom and cry, but I’ll blame my teary eyes on the migraine that is rapidly encroaching my brain.  Besides, sometimes you just have to walk away from yourself and embrace that other self. 

I’m falling, I’m failing, I’m floundering and I don’t know what to do about it all.  I’m taking my frustration and anger with myself out on all those around me…on my freinds, on my co-workers, worst of all, on Mr. W, the wonderful Mr. W, who is alone, in Iraq, for a year…I’m a bad girlfriend.  I suck.  I could probably manage it if I were a) more organized, b) more motivated, and c) less tired…but unfortunately my organization skills have always lacked, my motivation was sucked out of me years ago, and sleeping doesn’t come so easy since Mr. W left. 

So the juggling act begins again…but the balls are dropping and I don’t know how to pick them up again.

Starbucks, Jedis, and healthy food…I’m so proud!

I am so proud of my son right now.  Well, I’m always proud of him.  He surprises me everyday with how intelligent and responsible he can be.  But right now, my pride is two fold.

First, his memory.  This morning on the way to Starbucks (at his insistence…so proud!) I pulled out a McDonald’s Star Wars bobble-head (from their recent Happy Meals) and was playing with it with him.  He was asking about bad guys and Jedis, so I explained he could tell the bad guys from the Jedis by the color of their light-sabers.  I told him the bad guys always had red light-sabers, where the Jedis had all different colors.  He looked confused and asked, “but what about the big guy.  I thought he was a bad guy?”  He was, of course, referring to General Grievous.  I explained that General Grievous has the different colors because he steals the lightsabers from Jedis (leaving out that he does this after he kills them).  This made sense to the boy.  Then it hit me.  “You remember General Grievous?”  “Yes mommy, he’s the big one with all the arms.  He’s really bad.”  Amazing!  The boy has only watched Star Wars maybe once or twice, per episode, in his life, and he remembers these details.  Simply amazing! 

And the second fold…it’s been going on for awhile now, but still takes me by surprise.  The boy likes, prefers  healthy food.  He drinks water about half the time.  He tells me he doesn’t need soda.  He eats very little candy.  He prefers chinese takeout or pizza to nuggets and fries any day.  (Way different than his father…so proud!!)  When he was a baby, I made his babyfood*.  He refused the jar stuff when I started that.  And for the past two nights, he totally surprised me, again.  Wednesday night, I was not in the mood to cook, so I attempted to pass of dinner as a salad.  I figured if he didn’t like it I could heat up some soup, or suppliment with a sandwich.  But he did!  I got one of those pre-packaged Ceasar Salads to start.  I then found some of that MorningStar fake meat chicken strip stuff in the freezer, so browned that in a pan.  I put the fake chicken on the greens, and added croutons and a little ranch dressing.  He devoured it!  He actually ate more of the fake chicken than he usually does with the real stuff.  Personally, I don’t like it all that much.  It’s the texture, I think.  But, if he is going to eat it like that, it may become a permanent staple in my freezer!

Last night, I wanted to try Pho.  I love it in the restaurant, and found a good recipe, so we stopped at the store and picked up my ingredients.  (For those not in the know, Pho is a Vietnamese soup dish with rice noodles, beef broth boiled with onions, garlic, a cinnimon stick and some star anise, lean thinly sliced steak, with a garnish of beansprouts, scallions, mint leaves, cilantro, and lime wedges.  You can add chiles too, but I left them out for the boy.)  He devoured that too!  He liked that he could kind of make his own.  The way Pho is served, you put the blanched rice noodles in the bowl, add the raw steak strips, and pour over the boiling broth, sans the chunks.  The broth cooks the noodles and the steak the rest of the way.  After, you add the garnishments as desired at the table and enjoy!  He loved it, surprisingly. 

The boy is starting his culinary life out right.  It’s great.  I can get the girl interested sometimes, but she much more cautious with anything that isn’t familiar.  She always rejected the home-made baby food in favor of the jar stuff, and with her father’s eating habits, she always prefers nuggets and fries to anything else.  Ah, well…a little more work, but maybe I can bring her over from the Dark Side eventually. 

 

*Home-made baby food*

With any vegitables (usually baby carrots or greenbeans or cauliflower) I would start out at the farmer’s market for the best quality and least possibility of anything “unnatural.”  I would boil the vegitables until I could just smush them with a fork, then drain and cool.  Then into the blender/food processer, adding water little by little until the desired consistancy (which changed from puree to a little chunky as he got older).  I would dish out a couple servings into those mini tupperware things that you get in a set, thinking you will never use them.  The rest went into ice cube trays to freeze.  Once frozen, I’d baggie them up, three at a time, which made one serving which could be defrosted and warmed in the microwave with a splash of water.  Great for giving to the sitter!

A favorite of the boy’s (and me, and even the girl) is my “rice mush.”  I would boil some chicken, usually the drummets, skimming the top every 10 mintues or so of that foamy stuff that gathers.  (That’s the fat and bad stuff)  After the chicken was cooked through, I’d add one cup of rice to every three cups of water (usually just the leftover chicken water was enough) and a handful of baby carrots (or any other equally sweet vegitable) letting it boil until the rice took the consistancy of mush, usually about 30 minutes.  (adding more water as needed to get the right consistancy).  I’d let it cool enough to touch, and pull all the chicken out, debone and replace the meat.  Then, as above, all in the blender/food processer, adding more water if needed, until the correct mushiness.  Same freezing and serving method applies.  The kids still love this.  It’s an adaptation of what my mom used to make me when I was sick as a kid.  It’s still great on cold afternoons for a hearty, comforting, warming lunch.  Mmmmm.

Needed: large shot of will power with a motivation chaser

“Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.” – Tallulah Bankhead

Caffeine and nicotine.

I’m drinking my afternoon RedBull, having just smoked my last in my pack of cigarettes, contemplating whether I will buy another on my way home.  I’m trying to quit, just not very actively.  I even went and bought a herbal elixer from the local alterna-store and tried it…and guess what, it works…so I stopped taking it.  I’m not sure what it is.  I know better.  I know it’s bad for me.  I know it’s a bad influence type thing for my kids.  I know my car stinks like something crawled under the seat and died about two months ago.  I know my teeth aren’t as shiny white as they should be.  I know I’m not enjoying food like I could and should.  I know this lingering cold is a direct result of the smoking.  I know smoking has something to do with my recent return of the migraines.  I know I feel like crap at the end of the day and don’t even enjoy that first cigarette of the day like I used to.  I know I should quit…but it makes me think of another quote:

“When you say I should, you are imposing someone else’s expectations on yourself” — D.

So she asked me if I am feeling like I want to quit smoking, or if other people are telling me I should quit smoking, and honestly, I don’t know.  I know all the reasons, but do I really have a want to quit?  It used to be easy.  I was a casual smoker, and could start and stop on a dime…but I was taking anti-depressants then.  Now…not so much.  I’m actually addicted and I’m running pretty short on will power these days. 

Things I should do:

• quit smoking
• organize my clutter
• throw a bunch of stuff away
• plan and prepare healthy, well-balanced meals for my family
• get up earlier
• get ahead in my school work
• work on my training project at work
• sweep up the (thousand) leaves in the back yard
• throw away the (million) leaves I’ve already bagged
• work on my surprise for Mr. W
• install, learn, and utilize my photo editing software
• install, learn, and utilize the wordpress software and apply to my own site
• work on my art project

Things I want to do:

•  
•  
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Yeah, that’s how it is.