I’m Weak

Ok, cutting back on the double-posting…read it at writebrite.net. 

Hello, 2009, Nice To Meet You

Welcome to 2009!  This is a post that should have been put out yesterday, but since I was in the fetal position for most of the day having partied just a little too rambunctiously on New Year’s Eve, it had to wait.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m feeling 1 million times improved from yesterday.  Let’s just say I’m glad my neighbors slept in so as not to witness my full-force vomiting in my front yard while trying to stumble home.  (Thanks, Y, for helping a sister out!)

2008 has come and gone and between bouts of puking, chills, and sleep, I had plenty of time to think on the year and all that happened.  My year seemed stressful, and extra long, but in looking back, it really wasn’t that bad.  My relationship with Mr. W blossomed into the all-fulfilling splendor it is today.  Not without it’s hiccups and break-ups of course, but a little bit of heartbreak is good for a couple.  It makes you value what you have.  Knowing the pain of loss without actually losing just makes you want to hold on tighter in the end.

I worked things out with the ex-men, and have my son full time now, and my daughter…well, still working on that.  At least we aren’t fighting anymore.  That’s one thing.  Oh, and January 16th…the STBX will officially be X#2!!  Woo-freaking-hoo!!  17 long ass months…but it will finally be legally over!

Work is work is work.  I made new friends, and enemies, and found out who I can trust and can’t.  I got more responsibility which will hopefully lead to more pay in the near future.  But in the end, work is work is work.

2009 will be long and lonely with Mr. W away until September.  I do get to see him twice, for two weeks each on our fabulous family vacations…but home just isn’t home without him there.  I intend to get organized, stay busy (but not too busy), finish my degree and start on  my masters, take lots of pictures and maybe even sell a few, eat better, feed my family with love, and just be happier all around, for myself and for my loved ones.  After all, everyone knows if Mom’s not happy, no one is happy! 

So, funk-be-gone and let a very happy new year commence!

Resolutions…I’ve got them!

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ‘08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

Throwing Tantrums

School is kicking my ass!  Well, actually, life is kicking my ass!  Well, if I want to be totally honest, I am kicking my own ass!  Let me explain:

I went to see my Reiki lady.  I’ve seen her before, once, and you can read all about it here...she is fabulous!  She is mothering and lovely and makes me feel at ease just in her presence.  I feel I am able to open up to her, basically a stranger, with morefreedom than I do the people I have known for years.  It’s a great feeling.  So, this session was much different from my last.  I thought I knew what to expect…but I was totally wrong.  Basically, I went to her thinking I have been having issues with balance.  Not my normal, clumsy, falling over a lot lack of balance, but rather my ability to balance all the facets of my life while still having my sanity remain intact.  So I went to myReiki lady in search of tips to regain my balance.  I got a whole lot more.

The first difference was the physical.  There was a point, when I actually managed to shut my mind off for a few minutes (I think a few minutes…it is very difficult to keep track of time when you are attempting to shut your mind off…which is very difficult in itself…see, even now, I ramble…) I lost track of her.  It was strange.  I knew she was there.  I knew she was touching me.  I just didn’t know where she was, or where she was touching me.  I didn’t feel her.  I didn’t feel anything.  Not her, not the massage tablebeneath me, not the blanket covering me, not my clothes, nothing.  Then my hands started to tingle an pulse.  The only thing I could feel for however long it was, was my fingers, pulsing and tingling.  Then the rocking started.  I don’t know if I was actually moving, or if it was just theReiki doing its stuff, but I felt like I was swaying gently side to side, like standing on a boat in the water, only I was laying down, on a table, in a small cement room, on dry land.  And just when I began to register all the feelings, and non-feelings going on, just when I thought “this is really cool–”  it stopped. Argh!! There goes my brain again.  Talking too much!  Ah well.

The second difference was the visual.  I didn’t see much.  My eyes were closed and it was mostly dark (as tends to happen when one’s eyes are closed in a semi-dark room).  There were periods of light, not extreme, but more like headlights through a shaded window at night, passing through then gone.  But in the darkness, that is where I really saw something.  Wings.  Huge,oversized, very dark wings.  No body, no sense of a person or thing beneath them.  Just wings, flapping very slowly just over me, as if hovering just above me, protecting me in a way.  I know, it sounds weird.  But it gets weirder …she saw them too.  No I didn’t tell her about them and she chimed in with a “me too, me too.”  Rather, she told me about them.  She told me about the size and the flapping and that they were attached to people in her journey into me, but she described them just as I had seen them, before I even said a thing about them.  (She felt the rocking too, but I had already told her about that…so I’ll leave that part out for all you skeptics!)

So, her synopsis?  Basically, she saw me walking.  Not on a journey, as I wasn’t really going anywhere, just walking.  Putting one foot in front of the other and nothing more.  At times, I/we/she would come across people.  No distinct faces or genders or features, just individual people.  When she asked them who they were, the wings would come.  They didn’t speak. They simply unfurled these giant, disproportionate, dark wings and flew away.  (Her idea is that they are angels of sorts watching over me in my non-journey…works for me!)  Besides my walking, she got nothing of balance issues.  Actually, she got the opposite.  I have no balance issues.  I am perfectlycapable to do it all, and more, and do it all well.  The problem is (get this) I simply don’t want to.  I’m throwing a temper tantrum because Mr. W is gone.  Where I have always prided myself on being this strong, independent, capable-of-anything-by-myself-thank-you-very-much woman, I found Mr. W and realized it’s ok to be a little dependent.  It’s ok to want to lean on someone every now and again.  It’s ok to want to be near someone.  And now that he is gone…I’m pissed and I’m throwing a little tantrum about it.  Hmmmm….think she is on to something here?

And here I am…shiny new blog in hand (goal, checked) and I have a new goal to replace it (ah well, like I didn’t know that was going to happen): NO MORE TANTRUMS!  OK,Missy …just get it done.  You know you can, you know it would be easier, better, happier, greater, and all other positive words ending in -er if he were here, but he’s not.  Not for another 10 months.  So suck it up, get it done, go through the motions, take one step at a time, and move on.  NO MORE TANTRUMS!

There…think that will do it?  Well, at least I have my angels…albeit strange, featureless angels, who don’t speak, and have massive black wings…hmmmm……

The girl…some work…and her father

And now my daughter makes me proud with her choice of cuisine.  Ok, can’t really call it cuisine per se, but still.  She requested noodles for dinner (Ramen), so, not being nuggets and fries, I immediately obliged.  She ate it all, enthusiastically.  Of course, I don’t just do Ramen on it’s own…more pride coming…I generally add stuff, in this case an egg, a can of sardines, and some cabbage.  Ok, ok, I know like everyone thinks sardines are nasty, but in their defense they are packed with nutrients and when cooked right, taste delicious if you do happen to like fish.  (Another recipe:  I saute onions in some olive oil, add the drained sardines and some chopped tomato, a little soy sauce and just a touch of water or broth.  I let this cook for about five minutes and then serve over rice with some thinly sliced cold cucumber on top.  Mmmm.  No really, mmmmm…try it!)  Anyway, back to the Ramen a’la me…she ate it all, including all the extras, exclaiming the deliciousness with every bite!  My healthy-eating girl!

It’s a nice end to the rest of my emotionally and mentally draining day.

So work…ah, where do I begin.  It’s sucking right now.  I’m keeping busy, which is nice.  But at times it’s a little too busy, thanks to the negligence and laziness of my co-workers.  I can’t remember if I mentioned before that I’m now the training manager at work.  Ok, no problem, except that the ones before me totally jacked up the training program (or lack thereof), the documentation, the files, EVERYTHING!!  So not only am I revamping and doing much needed updates, I’m doing basic housecleaning of the whole situation.  Next, there is a big inspection in two weeks…more disorganization, more extra work because no one bothered to keep up with requirements, documentation, etc, more, more, more.  And lastly (as if that wasn’t enough work), I still have to keep up with my normal daily duties because everyone else is too busy (read lazy) to fill in for an hour here or there (not shirking my duties here, that is how my workplace works…or is supposed to work, we fill in, give breaks, rotate position assignments hourly).  So, that is work. *sigh*

And then the STBX calls (yes, still not final…don’t ask).  But first, a little backstory:

Last Sunday:  I remind STBX I’m going to LA for Thanksgiving weekend.  I inform him I will be on the red-eye back, so can we be flexible with what time I pick the girl up, depending on if I get sleep on the plane or not.  He says fine, no problem.  Morning (on the way back from the airport) or afternoon (after a couple hours of sleep)…no problem.

Last Tuesday:  STBX calls to tell me his grandmother is coming into town on the weekend, can he keep the girl until Tuesday and he will bring her down to me.  I say ok.

Saturday: STBX calls me in LA to ask what time “in the morning” I will be picking the girl up Monday since his grandmother didn’t show.  I try to reexplain the conversation from Sunday, and he cuts me off by yelling that we agreed on the morning.  I try to reexplain again, and he cuts me off again…yelling louder, accusing me of double talking, being selfish, blah, blah, blah.  I calmly tell him when he actually wants to wait for an answer to a question instead of yelling over me, he can call me back, and ended the conversation.

Sunday: I call to talk to the girl.  I inform him calmly and politely that I will pick her up on my way home from the airport at 830am.  He says fine.

Monday: I fly home, don’t sleep on the plane, am a zombie by 9am, drop the girl of at the sitter at 930am, and crash for a couple hours of much needed sleep at 10am.

This morning:  STBX calls me at work requesting to pick the girl up and bring her back tomorrow afternoon since his grandmother came into town after all yesterday.  I ask if maybe I can keep her until Sunday in exchange (rather than our pre-arranged Saturday) and he begins yelling again.  He said no.  I asked why.  He said he was going to Pittsburg so he can’t pick her up from me Sunday.  I point out if he is going out of town, I’m supposed to have her, so what is the difference.  He says he’s taking her with him, to the Steelers/Cowboys football game, in Pittsburg, PA, our three year old daughter, in the winter, to a possibly volitile football game…WTF??  (Am I totally off here thinking that is just insane??) I expressed my concern and dislike of the idea…more yelling.  More name calling…more, more, more.  I simply replied with “Sorry for your grandmother, but if you won’t give me Sunday, you can’t pick her up today.  I don’t want to give up my time with her.”

So am I off?  Honestly, if he had asked instead of demanded, if he had talked instead of yelled and got mean, if he had been a human being instead of, well, himself, I would have said ok.  The girl doesn’t get to see her great-grandmother very much.  She is old, and gets great joy out of spending time with her great-granddaughter.  No problem.  The problem is STBX.  His attitude has changed, for the worse.  We were doing fine for a good number of months.  Minor disagreements, like any joint-parents, but no blow outs, no name calling, no “old STBX.”  It was peaceful, sort of.  But now, he’s regressed.  My fault for being optimistic and thinking he may have actually changed.  *sigh*sigh*

After our “talk,” I went on a local forum site to find a good lawyer.  I ended up on a Family Advocacy/Domestic Violence site and called for a consult.  We shall see how this goes.  Maybe they can help, maybe they can’t, but I have to try, for the girl’s site.  It’s not that I want him out of her life or I want to take all his money.  I just don’t want her to grow up in that kind of environment…the kind where women are subservient to men, no matter what.  Where the man’s opinion is all that counts.  Where emotional and mental abuse/cut-downs/damage is the norm.  I want to protect her from that, and the only way I can (as apparently STBX will never see the light) is to remove her for a majority from the environment and gain some control over her exposure.  *sigh*sigh*sigh*

Here she sits, watching Cinderella, lining up all her ponies, being innocent and sweet as can be.  She deserves innocence and happiness for as long as possible, and I intend to get that for her.  She deserves peace…peace of mind, a peaceful life, a peaceful existance.  She deserves it all, and i will do my damndest to get it for her…my baby girl.