Career crisis, part deux

As I settle firmly into the last week of my required-by-the-government Calculus class, less than a month until I’m due to start my Master’s program in (drumroll) Aeronautical Science!  It sounds impressive, I know.  It’s very intimidating all on its own.  I have no idea whatsoever what I’m getting myself into.  Of course, the thought that I don’t actually want that Masters is not helping with the intimidation factor.  See, I’m having a small career crisis…and by small, I mean GINORMOUS!!  I just started a new job (this past summer) and while it is nice to do something different, and while in the past I would have reveled in such a career, Safety Analyst just isn’t feeling as good as I had hoped.  The Calculus did it, I think.  I used to love all things math and science in my youth.  But now, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it.  Worse, I don’t want to wrap my head around it.  I want nothing to do with it.  Not such a good thing when your job relies heavily on engineering, advanced calculus, and physics… So while I’ve been going through the motions, I really haven’t enjoyed going to work in quite a while, and the thought of continuing my education (and student loans) in a direction that will all but lock me into this is a little terrifying. 

But what do I do?  I make really good money here.  And it’s government, so the job security is phenomenal.  How do I walk away from all that and start over?  But then again, how do I stomach this for the next 20 years or so??  I long for change, for sunshine, for creativity, for like-minded people to spend my 8 hours a day with.  (Of course sitting my ass at home all day as a SAHM would work just fine too…COME ON POWERBALL!!)  But really.  Starting out all over again in something new, albeit better, is downright scary.  Of course, there is also the consideration of where I live.  Washington DC and the surrounding areas are not exactly a hub of creative culture.  New York, California, Chicago…I bet I could do just fine there.  But DC?  Not so much.  When I think of DC I think of black, or at the best dark grey suits, government officials, politics…what is fun, sunny, or creative-minded about any of that?  Even my monster.com search supported my theory.  There are exactly 6 Graphics Designer jobs listed in the surrounding area.  And exactly ZERO of them are entry-level.  Oh, and 2 of the are GOVERNMENT Graphics Design Jobs and 1 is political.  Not exactly what I’m looking for. 

I visit the Academy of Art University’s site at least once a week (usually for a break from my homework) and fantasize about their offerings.  I dream of working for Google, or Disney, or Apple…ooooh, Apple!  And how I would never wake up in the morning searching for any minute excuse to stay home for the day.  I dream about having a satisfying career, not just a secure, well-paying job.  I dream of giving my kids a happy mommy and positive role model for their future career choices, not just someone who brings home a check and buys them stuff.

But then I think, “who the hell am I up on my high-and-mighty horse?”  How dare I complain about what I have when there are so many that are struggling to survive in this economy, and in life!  How can I fathom the possibility of cutting our family income with 4 kids to support and put through college?  How can I justify giving up the job security and all the work I’ve put in to get where I am today?  I guess I’m moderately selfish in a way.  I want happiness and job satisfaction along with my security and paycheck. 

So I put it out to the universe (and the web-iverse):  What do I do?  (Comments on this one will be greatly appreciated…)  Do I do the best I can with what I’ve got, quit whining, suck it up, and just be the best darn Safety Analyst I can be?  Or do I chuck it all and explore my creative side, gambling all I’ve got for a bit of sunshine in my day?

Hello, 2009, Nice To Meet You

Welcome to 2009!  This is a post that should have been put out yesterday, but since I was in the fetal position for most of the day having partied just a little too rambunctiously on New Year’s Eve, it had to wait.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m feeling 1 million times improved from yesterday.  Let’s just say I’m glad my neighbors slept in so as not to witness my full-force vomiting in my front yard while trying to stumble home.  (Thanks, Y, for helping a sister out!)

2008 has come and gone and between bouts of puking, chills, and sleep, I had plenty of time to think on the year and all that happened.  My year seemed stressful, and extra long, but in looking back, it really wasn’t that bad.  My relationship with Mr. W blossomed into the all-fulfilling splendor it is today.  Not without it’s hiccups and break-ups of course, but a little bit of heartbreak is good for a couple.  It makes you value what you have.  Knowing the pain of loss without actually losing just makes you want to hold on tighter in the end.

I worked things out with the ex-men, and have my son full time now, and my daughter…well, still working on that.  At least we aren’t fighting anymore.  That’s one thing.  Oh, and January 16th…the STBX will officially be X#2!!  Woo-freaking-hoo!!  17 long ass months…but it will finally be legally over!

Work is work is work.  I made new friends, and enemies, and found out who I can trust and can’t.  I got more responsibility which will hopefully lead to more pay in the near future.  But in the end, work is work is work.

2009 will be long and lonely with Mr. W away until September.  I do get to see him twice, for two weeks each on our fabulous family vacations…but home just isn’t home without him there.  I intend to get organized, stay busy (but not too busy), finish my degree and start on  my masters, take lots of pictures and maybe even sell a few, eat better, feed my family with love, and just be happier all around, for myself and for my loved ones.  After all, everyone knows if Mom’s not happy, no one is happy! 

So, funk-be-gone and let a very happy new year commence!

Resolutions…I’ve got them!

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ’08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

Frustration, frustration, frustration

I am cranky as shit!  I am extremely sexually frustrated (two months, dammit!  and two more to go!), people at work are getting on my last nerve (the asshole at work is rearing his ugly head again, not at me, but in his general holier-than-thou-I-know-everything-about-everything attitude which is usually followed by a statement that is so epicly wrong it’s ridiculous), and the girl is being a brat, or rather, the princess is being a royal brat!

#1 — I won’t delve too deeply into this one as it is personal, and although I try to maintain complete openness and honesty in this blog…sometimes you just have to filter in good taste.  But I will say my solo time (as little as is available with parents visiting, sheer exhaustion by the time I get to bed, and the at least twice a week I have a little person sharing my bed with me) is just not cutting it!  I miss my Mr. W…in every way!

#2 — The asshole struck again yesterday with his blatant stupidity coupled with his holier-than-thou attitude.  He ignored some potentially serious safety violations at work until his hand was forced, then made snide, unprofessional comments that basically said, “Hey, we don’t care about safety here.  The only reason I’m bringing it up is so I don’t have to listen to the guy that is concerned whine.”  WTF!!  Then, taking on his role of I-know-everything-about-everything, he put on his trainer hat and gave some epicly wrong information to my trainee!  *argh!*

#3 — I’m not sure what her deal is, but my little princess is really pushing my buttons.  Last week, it was just her and I and we had a wonderful time.  She was well behaved.  She was sweet.  She was happy.  This week, she’s talking back (a lot), her favorite two phrases are, “I don’t want to” and “NO!” and she is being totally unreasonable in her demands.  Yes, demands.  I don’t expect a three year old to be particularly reasonable in her requests, but demands…oh, hell no!  I have to constantly remind her that I am her mother and she should speak to me with a certain respect.  I don’t expect her to learn that lesson from her other parent or family, but she knows better at home, I know she does.  Because of my frustrations in other parts of my life, I’m not handling her attitudes and outbursts very well.  I’ve done a lot of yelling and threatening over the last couple days.  I can’t seem to keep my calm long enough to do what works in place of the yelling.  Honestly, I can’t seem to even recall what works.  We haven’t had behavioural problems in quite a while, and when I’m in that red faced gonna break something (no, not my child…but something) mode, I can’t even think straight!  I need to find something to maintain my calm.  Not sure what that is yet…but I need…something.

Sex is obviously out of the question as it’s not available at this time.  Can’t drink since it’s probably not a great outlet for frustration, and besides, step-dad is a recovered alcoholic so I had to stash all my liquor and wine for the visit.  I’ve been smoking more, although I was hoping my parents’ visit would help me cut down or quit completely.  I don’t know what else to try…*hrumph!*

Throwing Tantrums

School is kicking my ass!  Well, actually, life is kicking my ass!  Well, if I want to be totally honest, I am kicking my own ass!  Let me explain:

I went to see my Reiki lady.  I’ve seen her before, once, and you can read all about it here...she is fabulous!  She is mothering and lovely and makes me feel at ease just in her presence.  I feel I am able to open up to her, basically a stranger, with morefreedom than I do the people I have known for years.  It’s a great feeling.  So, this session was much different from my last.  I thought I knew what to expect…but I was totally wrong.  Basically, I went to her thinking I have been having issues with balance.  Not my normal, clumsy, falling over a lot lack of balance, but rather my ability to balance all the facets of my life while still having my sanity remain intact.  So I went to myReiki lady in search of tips to regain my balance.  I got a whole lot more.

The first difference was the physical.  There was a point, when I actually managed to shut my mind off for a few minutes (I think a few minutes…it is very difficult to keep track of time when you are attempting to shut your mind off…which is very difficult in itself…see, even now, I ramble…) I lost track of her.  It was strange.  I knew she was there.  I knew she was touching me.  I just didn’t know where she was, or where she was touching me.  I didn’t feel her.  I didn’t feel anything.  Not her, not the massage tablebeneath me, not the blanket covering me, not my clothes, nothing.  Then my hands started to tingle an pulse.  The only thing I could feel for however long it was, was my fingers, pulsing and tingling.  Then the rocking started.  I don’t know if I was actually moving, or if it was just theReiki doing its stuff, but I felt like I was swaying gently side to side, like standing on a boat in the water, only I was laying down, on a table, in a small cement room, on dry land.  And just when I began to register all the feelings, and non-feelings going on, just when I thought “this is really cool–”  it stopped. Argh!! There goes my brain again.  Talking too much!  Ah well.

The second difference was the visual.  I didn’t see much.  My eyes were closed and it was mostly dark (as tends to happen when one’s eyes are closed in a semi-dark room).  There were periods of light, not extreme, but more like headlights through a shaded window at night, passing through then gone.  But in the darkness, that is where I really saw something.  Wings.  Huge,oversized, very dark wings.  No body, no sense of a person or thing beneath them.  Just wings, flapping very slowly just over me, as if hovering just above me, protecting me in a way.  I know, it sounds weird.  But it gets weirder …she saw them too.  No I didn’t tell her about them and she chimed in with a “me too, me too.”  Rather, she told me about them.  She told me about the size and the flapping and that they were attached to people in her journey into me, but she described them just as I had seen them, before I even said a thing about them.  (She felt the rocking too, but I had already told her about that…so I’ll leave that part out for all you skeptics!)

So, her synopsis?  Basically, she saw me walking.  Not on a journey, as I wasn’t really going anywhere, just walking.  Putting one foot in front of the other and nothing more.  At times, I/we/she would come across people.  No distinct faces or genders or features, just individual people.  When she asked them who they were, the wings would come.  They didn’t speak. They simply unfurled these giant, disproportionate, dark wings and flew away.  (Her idea is that they are angels of sorts watching over me in my non-journey…works for me!)  Besides my walking, she got nothing of balance issues.  Actually, she got the opposite.  I have no balance issues.  I am perfectlycapable to do it all, and more, and do it all well.  The problem is (get this) I simply don’t want to.  I’m throwing a temper tantrum because Mr. W is gone.  Where I have always prided myself on being this strong, independent, capable-of-anything-by-myself-thank-you-very-much woman, I found Mr. W and realized it’s ok to be a little dependent.  It’s ok to want to lean on someone every now and again.  It’s ok to want to be near someone.  And now that he is gone…I’m pissed and I’m throwing a little tantrum about it.  Hmmmm….think she is on to something here?

And here I am…shiny new blog in hand (goal, checked) and I have a new goal to replace it (ah well, like I didn’t know that was going to happen): NO MORE TANTRUMS!  OK,Missy …just get it done.  You know you can, you know it would be easier, better, happier, greater, and all other positive words ending in -er if he were here, but he’s not.  Not for another 10 months.  So suck it up, get it done, go through the motions, take one step at a time, and move on.  NO MORE TANTRUMS!

There…think that will do it?  Well, at least I have my angels…albeit strange, featureless angels, who don’t speak, and have massive black wings…hmmmm……