Hello, 2009, Nice To Meet You

Welcome to 2009!  This is a post that should have been put out yesterday, but since I was in the fetal position for most of the day having partied just a little too rambunctiously on New Year’s Eve, it had to wait.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m feeling 1 million times improved from yesterday.  Let’s just say I’m glad my neighbors slept in so as not to witness my full-force vomiting in my front yard while trying to stumble home.  (Thanks, Y, for helping a sister out!)

2008 has come and gone and between bouts of puking, chills, and sleep, I had plenty of time to think on the year and all that happened.  My year seemed stressful, and extra long, but in looking back, it really wasn’t that bad.  My relationship with Mr. W blossomed into the all-fulfilling splendor it is today.  Not without it’s hiccups and break-ups of course, but a little bit of heartbreak is good for a couple.  It makes you value what you have.  Knowing the pain of loss without actually losing just makes you want to hold on tighter in the end.

I worked things out with the ex-men, and have my son full time now, and my daughter…well, still working on that.  At least we aren’t fighting anymore.  That’s one thing.  Oh, and January 16th…the STBX will officially be X#2!!  Woo-freaking-hoo!!  17 long ass months…but it will finally be legally over!

Work is work is work.  I made new friends, and enemies, and found out who I can trust and can’t.  I got more responsibility which will hopefully lead to more pay in the near future.  But in the end, work is work is work.

2009 will be long and lonely with Mr. W away until September.  I do get to see him twice, for two weeks each on our fabulous family vacations…but home just isn’t home without him there.  I intend to get organized, stay busy (but not too busy), finish my degree and start on  my masters, take lots of pictures and maybe even sell a few, eat better, feed my family with love, and just be happier all around, for myself and for my loved ones.  After all, everyone knows if Mom’s not happy, no one is happy! 

So, funk-be-gone and let a very happy new year commence!

Frustration, frustration, frustration

I am cranky as shit!  I am extremely sexually frustrated (two months, dammit!  and two more to go!), people at work are getting on my last nerve (the asshole at work is rearing his ugly head again, not at me, but in his general holier-than-thou-I-know-everything-about-everything attitude which is usually followed by a statement that is so epicly wrong it’s ridiculous), and the girl is being a brat, or rather, the princess is being a royal brat!

#1 — I won’t delve too deeply into this one as it is personal, and although I try to maintain complete openness and honesty in this blog…sometimes you just have to filter in good taste.  But I will say my solo time (as little as is available with parents visiting, sheer exhaustion by the time I get to bed, and the at least twice a week I have a little person sharing my bed with me) is just not cutting it!  I miss my Mr. W…in every way!

#2 — The asshole struck again yesterday with his blatant stupidity coupled with his holier-than-thou attitude.  He ignored some potentially serious safety violations at work until his hand was forced, then made snide, unprofessional comments that basically said, “Hey, we don’t care about safety here.  The only reason I’m bringing it up is so I don’t have to listen to the guy that is concerned whine.”  WTF!!  Then, taking on his role of I-know-everything-about-everything, he put on his trainer hat and gave some epicly wrong information to my trainee!  *argh!*

#3 — I’m not sure what her deal is, but my little princess is really pushing my buttons.  Last week, it was just her and I and we had a wonderful time.  She was well behaved.  She was sweet.  She was happy.  This week, she’s talking back (a lot), her favorite two phrases are, “I don’t want to” and “NO!” and she is being totally unreasonable in her demands.  Yes, demands.  I don’t expect a three year old to be particularly reasonable in her requests, but demands…oh, hell no!  I have to constantly remind her that I am her mother and she should speak to me with a certain respect.  I don’t expect her to learn that lesson from her other parent or family, but she knows better at home, I know she does.  Because of my frustrations in other parts of my life, I’m not handling her attitudes and outbursts very well.  I’ve done a lot of yelling and threatening over the last couple days.  I can’t seem to keep my calm long enough to do what works in place of the yelling.  Honestly, I can’t seem to even recall what works.  We haven’t had behavioural problems in quite a while, and when I’m in that red faced gonna break something (no, not my child…but something) mode, I can’t even think straight!  I need to find something to maintain my calm.  Not sure what that is yet…but I need…something.

Sex is obviously out of the question as it’s not available at this time.  Can’t drink since it’s probably not a great outlet for frustration, and besides, step-dad is a recovered alcoholic so I had to stash all my liquor and wine for the visit.  I’ve been smoking more, although I was hoping my parents’ visit would help me cut down or quit completely.  I don’t know what else to try…*hrumph!*

The girl…some work…and her father

And now my daughter makes me proud with her choice of cuisine.  Ok, can’t really call it cuisine per se, but still.  She requested noodles for dinner (Ramen), so, not being nuggets and fries, I immediately obliged.  She ate it all, enthusiastically.  Of course, I don’t just do Ramen on it’s own…more pride coming…I generally add stuff, in this case an egg, a can of sardines, and some cabbage.  Ok, ok, I know like everyone thinks sardines are nasty, but in their defense they are packed with nutrients and when cooked right, taste delicious if you do happen to like fish.  (Another recipe:  I saute onions in some olive oil, add the drained sardines and some chopped tomato, a little soy sauce and just a touch of water or broth.  I let this cook for about five minutes and then serve over rice with some thinly sliced cold cucumber on top.  Mmmm.  No really, mmmmm…try it!)  Anyway, back to the Ramen a’la me…she ate it all, including all the extras, exclaiming the deliciousness with every bite!  My healthy-eating girl!

It’s a nice end to the rest of my emotionally and mentally draining day.

So work…ah, where do I begin.  It’s sucking right now.  I’m keeping busy, which is nice.  But at times it’s a little too busy, thanks to the negligence and laziness of my co-workers.  I can’t remember if I mentioned before that I’m now the training manager at work.  Ok, no problem, except that the ones before me totally jacked up the training program (or lack thereof), the documentation, the files, EVERYTHING!!  So not only am I revamping and doing much needed updates, I’m doing basic housecleaning of the whole situation.  Next, there is a big inspection in two weeks…more disorganization, more extra work because no one bothered to keep up with requirements, documentation, etc, more, more, more.  And lastly (as if that wasn’t enough work), I still have to keep up with my normal daily duties because everyone else is too busy (read lazy) to fill in for an hour here or there (not shirking my duties here, that is how my workplace works…or is supposed to work, we fill in, give breaks, rotate position assignments hourly).  So, that is work. *sigh*

And then the STBX calls (yes, still not final…don’t ask).  But first, a little backstory:

Last Sunday:  I remind STBX I’m going to LA for Thanksgiving weekend.  I inform him I will be on the red-eye back, so can we be flexible with what time I pick the girl up, depending on if I get sleep on the plane or not.  He says fine, no problem.  Morning (on the way back from the airport) or afternoon (after a couple hours of sleep)…no problem.

Last Tuesday:  STBX calls to tell me his grandmother is coming into town on the weekend, can he keep the girl until Tuesday and he will bring her down to me.  I say ok.

Saturday: STBX calls me in LA to ask what time “in the morning” I will be picking the girl up Monday since his grandmother didn’t show.  I try to reexplain the conversation from Sunday, and he cuts me off by yelling that we agreed on the morning.  I try to reexplain again, and he cuts me off again…yelling louder, accusing me of double talking, being selfish, blah, blah, blah.  I calmly tell him when he actually wants to wait for an answer to a question instead of yelling over me, he can call me back, and ended the conversation.

Sunday: I call to talk to the girl.  I inform him calmly and politely that I will pick her up on my way home from the airport at 830am.  He says fine.

Monday: I fly home, don’t sleep on the plane, am a zombie by 9am, drop the girl of at the sitter at 930am, and crash for a couple hours of much needed sleep at 10am.

This morning:  STBX calls me at work requesting to pick the girl up and bring her back tomorrow afternoon since his grandmother came into town after all yesterday.  I ask if maybe I can keep her until Sunday in exchange (rather than our pre-arranged Saturday) and he begins yelling again.  He said no.  I asked why.  He said he was going to Pittsburg so he can’t pick her up from me Sunday.  I point out if he is going out of town, I’m supposed to have her, so what is the difference.  He says he’s taking her with him, to the Steelers/Cowboys football game, in Pittsburg, PA, our three year old daughter, in the winter, to a possibly volitile football game…WTF??  (Am I totally off here thinking that is just insane??) I expressed my concern and dislike of the idea…more yelling.  More name calling…more, more, more.  I simply replied with “Sorry for your grandmother, but if you won’t give me Sunday, you can’t pick her up today.  I don’t want to give up my time with her.”

So am I off?  Honestly, if he had asked instead of demanded, if he had talked instead of yelled and got mean, if he had been a human being instead of, well, himself, I would have said ok.  The girl doesn’t get to see her great-grandmother very much.  She is old, and gets great joy out of spending time with her great-granddaughter.  No problem.  The problem is STBX.  His attitude has changed, for the worse.  We were doing fine for a good number of months.  Minor disagreements, like any joint-parents, but no blow outs, no name calling, no “old STBX.”  It was peaceful, sort of.  But now, he’s regressed.  My fault for being optimistic and thinking he may have actually changed.  *sigh*sigh*

After our “talk,” I went on a local forum site to find a good lawyer.  I ended up on a Family Advocacy/Domestic Violence site and called for a consult.  We shall see how this goes.  Maybe they can help, maybe they can’t, but I have to try, for the girl’s site.  It’s not that I want him out of her life or I want to take all his money.  I just don’t want her to grow up in that kind of environment…the kind where women are subservient to men, no matter what.  Where the man’s opinion is all that counts.  Where emotional and mental abuse/cut-downs/damage is the norm.  I want to protect her from that, and the only way I can (as apparently STBX will never see the light) is to remove her for a majority from the environment and gain some control over her exposure.  *sigh*sigh*sigh*

Here she sits, watching Cinderella, lining up all her ponies, being innocent and sweet as can be.  She deserves innocence and happiness for as long as possible, and I intend to get that for her.  She deserves peace…peace of mind, a peaceful life, a peaceful existance.  She deserves it all, and i will do my damndest to get it for her…my baby girl.

November 29th post**

**My dad recently moved, so his wifi isn’t set up yet.  I wrote my posts on my laptop (of course I brought it!), and can post them now that I am home.  Here is the first, from November 29th…

Happy post Thanksgiving to you all! I trust everyone has gotten their fill of turkey (or ham, as preferred) and many, many leftover meals…sandwiches, soups, stews, omlettes…the list goes on and on of what you can do with those leftovers! Love the holidays and all their delectable offerings!

I am in LA, visiting my dad for the holiday weekend. The kids are with the ex-men for Thanksgiving as I get Christmas this year. Besides the food, Thanksgiving has never really held a special place in my heart, not the way Christmas does, so this scenario is just fine with me.

Upon landing at LAX, my dad and I headed over to a local authentic English pub in Santa Monica…just off the 3^rd Street Promenade for those of you in the know…The Kings Head. Great food. Great atmosphere. I so miss those steak and kidney pies and ploughman’s plates when I’m gone. (Seriously, don’t knock it till you try it!!) Growing up in England as I did, I had plenty of that stuff, but nowadays the only time I get it is when I visit out here. Plus we had a nice shandy with lunch (half beer or lager, half 7-up..again, try it before you turn your nose up). We headed off to meet my dad’s photographer friend for a chat and a cigar. Both very nice. He gave me some pointers on my picture taking and on the business itself and tried to convince my dad to buy me a Mac as an essential piece of my creative processing…we shall see how that goes. Christmas is coming, but I won’t hold my breath on that one. For dinner, we went to the other cigar shop and I had my first Kobe Beef hamburger. Holy shit, was that delicious!! And of course, another great cigar. We chilled out for a bit in the comfy leather chairs, chatting and such, before heading home.

Thanksgiving day was a strange one. He and my step mother kind of pushed me out of the kitchen early on, so I let them have the cooking duties and settled on watching the Lions lose terribly (sorry Mr. W) and the Cowboys win wonderfully (GO Cowboys!!), while getting sucked into World of Warcraft. Yes, I played it, and liked it. I can see how people get sucked in. Thankfully there is a $15 a month subscription fee to play, so that will keep me off. Dinner was good…at least the food part. We ate kind of informally, and everyone went their separate ways. Very strange for my family. Step-mom went upstairs for the rest of the night, while Dad and I vegged out on the couch. Very strange, indeed.

Friday was more chilling out. Some of Dad’s friends came over at 6pm and we played poker into the wee hours of the morning. I actually was up $45 by the time we quit at 130am, so that was nice. No step-mom as she was working. A good evening.

And today, Saturday, we started our day out with Dim Sum in Chinatown, then some browsing in the local shopping market areas. Lots of crap for not much money. I picked up a pair of faux crocs for Mr. W (shower shoes for Iraq) and a couple things for the four kids (his and mine). Nothing special. The weather is beautiful, finally. Sun. 75 degree weather. Nice. I do so miss California! I am hoping my dad will agree to head out to the beach down in Venice or Santa Monica for some prime picture taking this evening after Step-mom goes to work. We shall see…depends on his mood I suppose.

So for some background on the strangeness that is their relationship, and ultimately effecting my relationship with my father…they have been separated for almost two years now. Yeah, that’s right, two years. Older as I am, and having gone through two marriages, one being pretty rough and unhappy as my partner (STBX) was a not very nice, very selfish man, I can’t help but understand my dad’s position. I always say, you can’t help who you love. She is selfish (don’t really get how as she comes from a poor family of 14 children where the father died very young), and stubborn. She felt the need to cry to me the other morning about the whole thing, insisting it is all my dad’s fault they don’t get along, and she is too old to be unhappy, and she is going to give it another year but ultimately probably look for a divorce…blah, blah, blah. I listened, but held my tongue. I know how she is. I see it whenever I visit. I even lived with them for a short year before joining the military. Yes, my dad may have his faults (we all do) but she is a piece of work. Just for an instance…when #1 was trying really hard (and looked like he was going to be successful) to take the boy from me, when I was scared and broke and had no where else to turn for help, I asked my parents to help me, money being the main assistance in this of course for lawyers fees. She threw a fit (par for the course) and was pissed about my dad giving me $1500. This is the same woman who has several $1500 purses sitting, rarely used, in her closet, next to all the shoes, clothes, jewelry, etc, etc my dad has bought her over the years. WTF? My dad makes good money. She works at Wal-Mart. Yet he has to hide that he buys me plane tickets to visit him, that he bought me the best possession I own, my D-40, that he does anything for me, his only daughter, the only daughter he will every have. I say again…WTF?!

So, I would be really happy if my dad could manage to separate himself from her. It think it’s a terrible position for him to be in. I think he would be much happier without her. I think he could do so much better, or at least as his friend once told him, “If you are going to pay for it, it might as well be tall, blond and 22!” But, I digress. You can’t help who you love. It takes time. I of all people know that. It’s hard to move on, and age, kids, whatever, make it that much harder. It’s hard to let go of such a big chunk of your life. It’s hard not to hope things will change, even if, deep down, you know they won’t. I will hope for him. Not that things will change, but that he can finally let go. We shall see, I suppose.

That is my visit so far. More to come, as I have two more days here before heading back to the cold, daily grind.

Starbucks, Jedis, and healthy food…I’m so proud!

I am so proud of my son right now.  Well, I’m always proud of him.  He surprises me everyday with how intelligent and responsible he can be.  But right now, my pride is two fold.

First, his memory.  This morning on the way to Starbucks (at his insistence…so proud!) I pulled out a McDonald’s Star Wars bobble-head (from their recent Happy Meals) and was playing with it with him.  He was asking about bad guys and Jedis, so I explained he could tell the bad guys from the Jedis by the color of their light-sabers.  I told him the bad guys always had red light-sabers, where the Jedis had all different colors.  He looked confused and asked, “but what about the big guy.  I thought he was a bad guy?”  He was, of course, referring to General Grievous.  I explained that General Grievous has the different colors because he steals the lightsabers from Jedis (leaving out that he does this after he kills them).  This made sense to the boy.  Then it hit me.  “You remember General Grievous?”  “Yes mommy, he’s the big one with all the arms.  He’s really bad.”  Amazing!  The boy has only watched Star Wars maybe once or twice, per episode, in his life, and he remembers these details.  Simply amazing! 

And the second fold…it’s been going on for awhile now, but still takes me by surprise.  The boy likes, prefers  healthy food.  He drinks water about half the time.  He tells me he doesn’t need soda.  He eats very little candy.  He prefers chinese takeout or pizza to nuggets and fries any day.  (Way different than his father…so proud!!)  When he was a baby, I made his babyfood*.  He refused the jar stuff when I started that.  And for the past two nights, he totally surprised me, again.  Wednesday night, I was not in the mood to cook, so I attempted to pass of dinner as a salad.  I figured if he didn’t like it I could heat up some soup, or suppliment with a sandwich.  But he did!  I got one of those pre-packaged Ceasar Salads to start.  I then found some of that MorningStar fake meat chicken strip stuff in the freezer, so browned that in a pan.  I put the fake chicken on the greens, and added croutons and a little ranch dressing.  He devoured it!  He actually ate more of the fake chicken than he usually does with the real stuff.  Personally, I don’t like it all that much.  It’s the texture, I think.  But, if he is going to eat it like that, it may become a permanent staple in my freezer!

Last night, I wanted to try Pho.  I love it in the restaurant, and found a good recipe, so we stopped at the store and picked up my ingredients.  (For those not in the know, Pho is a Vietnamese soup dish with rice noodles, beef broth boiled with onions, garlic, a cinnimon stick and some star anise, lean thinly sliced steak, with a garnish of beansprouts, scallions, mint leaves, cilantro, and lime wedges.  You can add chiles too, but I left them out for the boy.)  He devoured that too!  He liked that he could kind of make his own.  The way Pho is served, you put the blanched rice noodles in the bowl, add the raw steak strips, and pour over the boiling broth, sans the chunks.  The broth cooks the noodles and the steak the rest of the way.  After, you add the garnishments as desired at the table and enjoy!  He loved it, surprisingly. 

The boy is starting his culinary life out right.  It’s great.  I can get the girl interested sometimes, but she much more cautious with anything that isn’t familiar.  She always rejected the home-made baby food in favor of the jar stuff, and with her father’s eating habits, she always prefers nuggets and fries to anything else.  Ah, well…a little more work, but maybe I can bring her over from the Dark Side eventually. 

 

*Home-made baby food*

With any vegitables (usually baby carrots or greenbeans or cauliflower) I would start out at the farmer’s market for the best quality and least possibility of anything “unnatural.”  I would boil the vegitables until I could just smush them with a fork, then drain and cool.  Then into the blender/food processer, adding water little by little until the desired consistancy (which changed from puree to a little chunky as he got older).  I would dish out a couple servings into those mini tupperware things that you get in a set, thinking you will never use them.  The rest went into ice cube trays to freeze.  Once frozen, I’d baggie them up, three at a time, which made one serving which could be defrosted and warmed in the microwave with a splash of water.  Great for giving to the sitter!

A favorite of the boy’s (and me, and even the girl) is my “rice mush.”  I would boil some chicken, usually the drummets, skimming the top every 10 mintues or so of that foamy stuff that gathers.  (That’s the fat and bad stuff)  After the chicken was cooked through, I’d add one cup of rice to every three cups of water (usually just the leftover chicken water was enough) and a handful of baby carrots (or any other equally sweet vegitable) letting it boil until the rice took the consistancy of mush, usually about 30 minutes.  (adding more water as needed to get the right consistancy).  I’d let it cool enough to touch, and pull all the chicken out, debone and replace the meat.  Then, as above, all in the blender/food processer, adding more water if needed, until the correct mushiness.  Same freezing and serving method applies.  The kids still love this.  It’s an adaptation of what my mom used to make me when I was sick as a kid.  It’s still great on cold afternoons for a hearty, comforting, warming lunch.  Mmmmm.