School is a Hit!

His day did get exponentially better!  Yea!  In a little over two hours of his first day of school, the boy had so much to tell me, all with a perma-grin.  I’m so happy it got better!  HUGE sigh of relief here.

As the class walked to the front hall where the bus driver and a scattering of parents were waiting, I looked on anxiously to read the face of my little one, completely distraught with the thought that I would see and unhappy face, or even worse, evidence of crying.  My fears couldn’t be further from the reality.  He walked out, proud, with the rest of the class, holding hands with a little girl.  I didn’t really pay attention to her, as most of the kids seemed to have a “buddy system” thing going on for walking through the halls.  She went to her dad, and the boy came up to me.  He waved bye to his teacher, and after a quick introduction to his bus driver, he drug me outside to the car.  Once away from any possibly prying ears, he dropped the bomb…

The boy:  “Mommy, did you see that girl who was holding my hand?”

Me: “Yes, I saw her.”

The boy:  “She’s beautiful!”

Me: “Yes, she is very pretty.  What is her name?”

The boy: (puzzled) “I already told you.”

Me: “You did?  What is it?”

The boy:(very matter-of-factly) “BEAU-TI-FUL!”

Me: (after picking my jaw up from the parking lot) “Oh…”

Thankfully he was happy to prattle on past Ms. Beautiful to the books and the teacher and all the other things they did until we arrived at the sitter’s house.  He ran in and began on her about his day, throwing me a quick kiss before he went about his merry way. 

My little boy is growing up…and already has a girlfriend??!!  *sigh*

At least his first day went well.  I was a little more worried than I originally thought.  Now I’m contemplating what kind of school-age mom I will turn out to be…and what kind of school-age kid he will be.  Will he be a trouble maker?  Will he be picked on?  Will I be in parent-teacher conferences constantly?  Will I be a member of the PTA?  Can I imagine myself as a PTA mom?  Will I help him with his homework (yes, even in Pre-K…on his first day…he has homework)?  Will he help me with mine one day?  Will he get straight A’s?  Will he struggle?  Will he need speech therapy?  Will he be smart, but lazy, as I was?  Will he push himself?  Will he be happy with mediocrity?  So many worries/concerns/questions/what-ifs…and it’s only his first day!  What ever am I going to do when the girl starts school too? 

The hardest part of all of this is not being directly involved in his everyday life.  I have always had a hard time with not knowing, I mean really knowing what was going on at his dad’s house; what he is doing, how he reacts to things, what is going on around him, etc, etc.  Now, there is another venue for the hole in my sight.  I always made a point to go early and stay a few minutes late at daycare, just to have time to observe him there, just so I could pretend I knew what was going on throughout the day while I’m at work.  It’s amazing how far I can stretch a few minutes a day and pretend it’s always that way!  I can’t so much do that now…and especially as he gets older.  (I can imagine the “oh Mmmoooommm“s now!)  *sigh*  Why do they have to grow up so fast?

Hello, 2009, Nice To Meet You

Welcome to 2009!  This is a post that should have been put out yesterday, but since I was in the fetal position for most of the day having partied just a little too rambunctiously on New Year’s Eve, it had to wait.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m feeling 1 million times improved from yesterday.  Let’s just say I’m glad my neighbors slept in so as not to witness my full-force vomiting in my front yard while trying to stumble home.  (Thanks, Y, for helping a sister out!)

2008 has come and gone and between bouts of puking, chills, and sleep, I had plenty of time to think on the year and all that happened.  My year seemed stressful, and extra long, but in looking back, it really wasn’t that bad.  My relationship with Mr. W blossomed into the all-fulfilling splendor it is today.  Not without it’s hiccups and break-ups of course, but a little bit of heartbreak is good for a couple.  It makes you value what you have.  Knowing the pain of loss without actually losing just makes you want to hold on tighter in the end.

I worked things out with the ex-men, and have my son full time now, and my daughter…well, still working on that.  At least we aren’t fighting anymore.  That’s one thing.  Oh, and January 16th…the STBX will officially be X#2!!  Woo-freaking-hoo!!  17 long ass months…but it will finally be legally over!

Work is work is work.  I made new friends, and enemies, and found out who I can trust and can’t.  I got more responsibility which will hopefully lead to more pay in the near future.  But in the end, work is work is work.

2009 will be long and lonely with Mr. W away until September.  I do get to see him twice, for two weeks each on our fabulous family vacations…but home just isn’t home without him there.  I intend to get organized, stay busy (but not too busy), finish my degree and start on  my masters, take lots of pictures and maybe even sell a few, eat better, feed my family with love, and just be happier all around, for myself and for my loved ones.  After all, everyone knows if Mom’s not happy, no one is happy! 

So, funk-be-gone and let a very happy new year commence!

The girl…some work…and her father

And now my daughter makes me proud with her choice of cuisine.  Ok, can’t really call it cuisine per se, but still.  She requested noodles for dinner (Ramen), so, not being nuggets and fries, I immediately obliged.  She ate it all, enthusiastically.  Of course, I don’t just do Ramen on it’s own…more pride coming…I generally add stuff, in this case an egg, a can of sardines, and some cabbage.  Ok, ok, I know like everyone thinks sardines are nasty, but in their defense they are packed with nutrients and when cooked right, taste delicious if you do happen to like fish.  (Another recipe:  I saute onions in some olive oil, add the drained sardines and some chopped tomato, a little soy sauce and just a touch of water or broth.  I let this cook for about five minutes and then serve over rice with some thinly sliced cold cucumber on top.  Mmmm.  No really, mmmmm…try it!)  Anyway, back to the Ramen a’la me…she ate it all, including all the extras, exclaiming the deliciousness with every bite!  My healthy-eating girl!

It’s a nice end to the rest of my emotionally and mentally draining day.

So work…ah, where do I begin.  It’s sucking right now.  I’m keeping busy, which is nice.  But at times it’s a little too busy, thanks to the negligence and laziness of my co-workers.  I can’t remember if I mentioned before that I’m now the training manager at work.  Ok, no problem, except that the ones before me totally jacked up the training program (or lack thereof), the documentation, the files, EVERYTHING!!  So not only am I revamping and doing much needed updates, I’m doing basic housecleaning of the whole situation.  Next, there is a big inspection in two weeks…more disorganization, more extra work because no one bothered to keep up with requirements, documentation, etc, more, more, more.  And lastly (as if that wasn’t enough work), I still have to keep up with my normal daily duties because everyone else is too busy (read lazy) to fill in for an hour here or there (not shirking my duties here, that is how my workplace works…or is supposed to work, we fill in, give breaks, rotate position assignments hourly).  So, that is work. *sigh*

And then the STBX calls (yes, still not final…don’t ask).  But first, a little backstory:

Last Sunday:  I remind STBX I’m going to LA for Thanksgiving weekend.  I inform him I will be on the red-eye back, so can we be flexible with what time I pick the girl up, depending on if I get sleep on the plane or not.  He says fine, no problem.  Morning (on the way back from the airport) or afternoon (after a couple hours of sleep)…no problem.

Last Tuesday:  STBX calls to tell me his grandmother is coming into town on the weekend, can he keep the girl until Tuesday and he will bring her down to me.  I say ok.

Saturday: STBX calls me in LA to ask what time “in the morning” I will be picking the girl up Monday since his grandmother didn’t show.  I try to reexplain the conversation from Sunday, and he cuts me off by yelling that we agreed on the morning.  I try to reexplain again, and he cuts me off again…yelling louder, accusing me of double talking, being selfish, blah, blah, blah.  I calmly tell him when he actually wants to wait for an answer to a question instead of yelling over me, he can call me back, and ended the conversation.

Sunday: I call to talk to the girl.  I inform him calmly and politely that I will pick her up on my way home from the airport at 830am.  He says fine.

Monday: I fly home, don’t sleep on the plane, am a zombie by 9am, drop the girl of at the sitter at 930am, and crash for a couple hours of much needed sleep at 10am.

This morning:  STBX calls me at work requesting to pick the girl up and bring her back tomorrow afternoon since his grandmother came into town after all yesterday.  I ask if maybe I can keep her until Sunday in exchange (rather than our pre-arranged Saturday) and he begins yelling again.  He said no.  I asked why.  He said he was going to Pittsburg so he can’t pick her up from me Sunday.  I point out if he is going out of town, I’m supposed to have her, so what is the difference.  He says he’s taking her with him, to the Steelers/Cowboys football game, in Pittsburg, PA, our three year old daughter, in the winter, to a possibly volitile football game…WTF??  (Am I totally off here thinking that is just insane??) I expressed my concern and dislike of the idea…more yelling.  More name calling…more, more, more.  I simply replied with “Sorry for your grandmother, but if you won’t give me Sunday, you can’t pick her up today.  I don’t want to give up my time with her.”

So am I off?  Honestly, if he had asked instead of demanded, if he had talked instead of yelled and got mean, if he had been a human being instead of, well, himself, I would have said ok.  The girl doesn’t get to see her great-grandmother very much.  She is old, and gets great joy out of spending time with her great-granddaughter.  No problem.  The problem is STBX.  His attitude has changed, for the worse.  We were doing fine for a good number of months.  Minor disagreements, like any joint-parents, but no blow outs, no name calling, no “old STBX.”  It was peaceful, sort of.  But now, he’s regressed.  My fault for being optimistic and thinking he may have actually changed.  *sigh*sigh*

After our “talk,” I went on a local forum site to find a good lawyer.  I ended up on a Family Advocacy/Domestic Violence site and called for a consult.  We shall see how this goes.  Maybe they can help, maybe they can’t, but I have to try, for the girl’s site.  It’s not that I want him out of her life or I want to take all his money.  I just don’t want her to grow up in that kind of environment…the kind where women are subservient to men, no matter what.  Where the man’s opinion is all that counts.  Where emotional and mental abuse/cut-downs/damage is the norm.  I want to protect her from that, and the only way I can (as apparently STBX will never see the light) is to remove her for a majority from the environment and gain some control over her exposure.  *sigh*sigh*sigh*

Here she sits, watching Cinderella, lining up all her ponies, being innocent and sweet as can be.  She deserves innocence and happiness for as long as possible, and I intend to get that for her.  She deserves peace…peace of mind, a peaceful life, a peaceful existance.  She deserves it all, and i will do my damndest to get it for her…my baby girl.

November 29th post**

**My dad recently moved, so his wifi isn’t set up yet.  I wrote my posts on my laptop (of course I brought it!), and can post them now that I am home.  Here is the first, from November 29th…

Happy post Thanksgiving to you all! I trust everyone has gotten their fill of turkey (or ham, as preferred) and many, many leftover meals…sandwiches, soups, stews, omlettes…the list goes on and on of what you can do with those leftovers! Love the holidays and all their delectable offerings!

I am in LA, visiting my dad for the holiday weekend. The kids are with the ex-men for Thanksgiving as I get Christmas this year. Besides the food, Thanksgiving has never really held a special place in my heart, not the way Christmas does, so this scenario is just fine with me.

Upon landing at LAX, my dad and I headed over to a local authentic English pub in Santa Monica…just off the 3^rd Street Promenade for those of you in the know…The Kings Head. Great food. Great atmosphere. I so miss those steak and kidney pies and ploughman’s plates when I’m gone. (Seriously, don’t knock it till you try it!!) Growing up in England as I did, I had plenty of that stuff, but nowadays the only time I get it is when I visit out here. Plus we had a nice shandy with lunch (half beer or lager, half 7-up..again, try it before you turn your nose up). We headed off to meet my dad’s photographer friend for a chat and a cigar. Both very nice. He gave me some pointers on my picture taking and on the business itself and tried to convince my dad to buy me a Mac as an essential piece of my creative processing…we shall see how that goes. Christmas is coming, but I won’t hold my breath on that one. For dinner, we went to the other cigar shop and I had my first Kobe Beef hamburger. Holy shit, was that delicious!! And of course, another great cigar. We chilled out for a bit in the comfy leather chairs, chatting and such, before heading home.

Thanksgiving day was a strange one. He and my step mother kind of pushed me out of the kitchen early on, so I let them have the cooking duties and settled on watching the Lions lose terribly (sorry Mr. W) and the Cowboys win wonderfully (GO Cowboys!!), while getting sucked into World of Warcraft. Yes, I played it, and liked it. I can see how people get sucked in. Thankfully there is a $15 a month subscription fee to play, so that will keep me off. Dinner was good…at least the food part. We ate kind of informally, and everyone went their separate ways. Very strange for my family. Step-mom went upstairs for the rest of the night, while Dad and I vegged out on the couch. Very strange, indeed.

Friday was more chilling out. Some of Dad’s friends came over at 6pm and we played poker into the wee hours of the morning. I actually was up $45 by the time we quit at 130am, so that was nice. No step-mom as she was working. A good evening.

And today, Saturday, we started our day out with Dim Sum in Chinatown, then some browsing in the local shopping market areas. Lots of crap for not much money. I picked up a pair of faux crocs for Mr. W (shower shoes for Iraq) and a couple things for the four kids (his and mine). Nothing special. The weather is beautiful, finally. Sun. 75 degree weather. Nice. I do so miss California! I am hoping my dad will agree to head out to the beach down in Venice or Santa Monica for some prime picture taking this evening after Step-mom goes to work. We shall see…depends on his mood I suppose.

So for some background on the strangeness that is their relationship, and ultimately effecting my relationship with my father…they have been separated for almost two years now. Yeah, that’s right, two years. Older as I am, and having gone through two marriages, one being pretty rough and unhappy as my partner (STBX) was a not very nice, very selfish man, I can’t help but understand my dad’s position. I always say, you can’t help who you love. She is selfish (don’t really get how as she comes from a poor family of 14 children where the father died very young), and stubborn. She felt the need to cry to me the other morning about the whole thing, insisting it is all my dad’s fault they don’t get along, and she is too old to be unhappy, and she is going to give it another year but ultimately probably look for a divorce…blah, blah, blah. I listened, but held my tongue. I know how she is. I see it whenever I visit. I even lived with them for a short year before joining the military. Yes, my dad may have his faults (we all do) but she is a piece of work. Just for an instance…when #1 was trying really hard (and looked like he was going to be successful) to take the boy from me, when I was scared and broke and had no where else to turn for help, I asked my parents to help me, money being the main assistance in this of course for lawyers fees. She threw a fit (par for the course) and was pissed about my dad giving me $1500. This is the same woman who has several $1500 purses sitting, rarely used, in her closet, next to all the shoes, clothes, jewelry, etc, etc my dad has bought her over the years. WTF? My dad makes good money. She works at Wal-Mart. Yet he has to hide that he buys me plane tickets to visit him, that he bought me the best possession I own, my D-40, that he does anything for me, his only daughter, the only daughter he will every have. I say again…WTF?!

So, I would be really happy if my dad could manage to separate himself from her. It think it’s a terrible position for him to be in. I think he would be much happier without her. I think he could do so much better, or at least as his friend once told him, “If you are going to pay for it, it might as well be tall, blond and 22!” But, I digress. You can’t help who you love. It takes time. I of all people know that. It’s hard to move on, and age, kids, whatever, make it that much harder. It’s hard to let go of such a big chunk of your life. It’s hard not to hope things will change, even if, deep down, you know they won’t. I will hope for him. Not that things will change, but that he can finally let go. We shall see, I suppose.

That is my visit so far. More to come, as I have two more days here before heading back to the cold, daily grind.

People say the strangest things…

Yesterday a co-worker made a comment to me about my clothes and I’m not exactly sure what to make of it.  “You make me sick, you are so skinny.  I could never dress like you.”  Now, she is not a big girl.  In fact, (and especially) considering she has a 3 year old and an 18 month old, she is in very good shape…probably about a size 6, maybe a small 8…and she is tall.  So I said, “What are you talking about, look at you…” and before I could finish someone else chimed in with “you can dress like that.”  She responded, “No, I’m not a girly girl.  I can’t dress all cute like that.”  What does that mean??  I began defending myself without even thinking about it, saying I only dress like that for work, I’m not a girly girl either, at home it’s all jeans and t-shirts…blah, blah, blah.  That is true, to a point.  I try to look nice and professional at work, although I sometimes don’t, or completely miss the mark.  When I get home, it’s sweats time, and on the weekends it’s mostly jeans, although I do try to maintain an element of cuteness if I’m going somewhere…but 90% of the time it’s jeans. 

But why defend myself?  What is wrong with trying to look nice, especially at work?  I don’t go overboard.  No crazy make-up.  No perfect hair.  Not much in the way of accessories unless I’m feeling extra spunky in the morning (and have time to accessorize).  I don’t get it. 

So was it a jab or a compliment?  Hmm…

A couple weeks ago, my friend Y had a similar experience I was lucky enough to witness.  She has gone grey at an early age and dyes her hair.  It had been awhile since she had made it to the salon, so there was a little streakage showing at her roots, but whatever.  She’s a busy lady (5 kids, full time work, school, extra-curricular, oh yeah, and her hubby is in Iraq with Mr. W, so she’s doing it all!)  A co-worker who is known to be a little on the bitchy side (I’ve personally experienced this three times now) mentioned casually, “I wish I could be like you.  I could never let my hair go like that…” trailing off from there.  What does that mean?? 

In case you are wondering, my three negative experiences are these:

• Compliment on my shirt from her.  Statement that I got it from Target or Walmart (I don’t remember) from me.  “Oh, I don’t shop there…” in a smug tone from her.  ???
• Conversation with Mr. W: “You better not be dating ________.  She has too much baggage.”  from a woman recently split from her husband, on the prowl, and oh yeah, she has 3 boys…2 from the husband, and one from some other man who we know nothing about that she was never married to nor had any intention of marrying.  I’m not judging at all,  but seriously, who is she to say that I have too much baggage??
• Conversation with me about Mr. W after informing her that we were moving in together:  “I don’t know what happened with them.  I really like ______ (his ex).”  WTF???  I’m his girlfriend, and you want to tell me how much you liked his cheating, high-maintenance, selfish, hurtful, putting-Mr. W-through-some-serious-misery ex??? Seriously??!!

What are these people thinking?  Or a better question, are they thinking?  Are these twisted compliments?  Or are they twisted cut-downs in disguise?  I just don’t get it.