There has been so much going on lately in my world, yet really nothing. But, alas, I’ve been neglecting my blog, and in the same hand neglecting myself (read —> my sanity). I should stop doing that. Funny thing is, I compose wonderful posts during my commutes to/from work (45 minutes of steady driving) almost daily. I just never seem to be able to get them down on paper, so to speak.
So what’s going on? i hear you ask urgently…well, a lot of the same and nothing really new, I suppose. Work is work. It’s not ideal. It’s not something I jump out of bed and look forward to on a daily basis. But it still pays the bills, so I still show up, albeit more and more tired, and recently in more pain. I’m thinking the Lyme is flaring up again, but intently driving that thought from my mind because I really don’t want to deal with all that. Instead, I am convincing myself that it is a combination of my lack of sleep (even 7 hours a night isn’t cutting it lately), my lack of exercise (aka, totally my own fault), and my poor diet (again, totally my own fault). That way, I can believe that if I choose to change those controllable variables I will feel better. That makes my pain my choice which sounds strange, I know. But if it’s my choice, I can change it whenever I want. If it’s simply a symptom of a deeper, unfixable health issue, I can’t do a damn thing about it. Choice seems better.
Like the choice to walk away from your kid and a great opportunity for a reason that you don’t want to share…yeah. That’s a choice. Not me…Mrs. X. In our latest adventure, she has given two weeks notice that she is moving “back home,” which in this case is a 14 hour drive away, and leaving the step-girl here with us. The latter part of that I’m simply thrilled about. I love her to pieces (the step-girl, that is) and can’t wait to have her be a full time part of our household. I truly believe the stability and family dynamic that we hold dear will be nothing but positive for her in these last couple years of her developmental youth as well. However (comma) I am not thrilled about Mrs. X apparent abandonment of her daughter in these previously mentioned developmental youth years. Expecially when the step-girl is 1) very attached to her mother, and 2) very convinced that the step-boy is favored over herself at every turn. Enter the smack in the face when mom sticks around just long enough to see him off to college, then books it to another state, and another family (the boyfriend has two school age kids of his own) to “start her life.” <—–her words, not mine. I understand that Mrs. X has gotten herself into a very difficult situation, the key words being gotten herself into, by leaving her second husband, not having a job for the last 18 years, getting used to a certain lifestyle…but just as she has the silver plattered opportunity to turn it all around….she’s out. See, she tends to spend more than she makes, and quite frankly she makes whatever child support we give her, so shopping sprees, week-long trips, and nights out with the girls go waaay over that. So now she can’t afford rent. Ok. But she just graduated from a local program which paid for her college in exchange for 2 to 3 years of well paid service to a local hospital as a respitory therapist…which should have started 2 months ago…which she put off for 2 months in lieu of the previously mentioned leisure trips…which she is throwing away completely now…which she will have to pay for now. Did I mention she hasn’t worked in 18 years and can’t afford to pay her rent? And with the step-girl moving in and the step-boy off to college, 99% under our financial support, btw (she bought him 1 set of sheets and some flip-flops for the shower), she no longer gets that child support check. I wonder if boyfriend knows what he is getting himself into. All I can say in the end is I hope the step-girl ends up doing ok with all this…
…and that I don’t end up stuck in a conversation with Mrs. X anytime soon, as I can’t guarantee I can hold that teeth-clenched fake smile for very long.
Mr. W feels kind of helpless in all this. It’s all pretty forign to him…this ex-drama thing. Sure, they’ve had their moments over the last 10 years, but nothing like what I’ve dealt with, or what most people deal with. They’ve always gotten along abnormally well. That always amazed me. But over the last two years or so, I’ve watched it go downhill at an alarming pace. I’ve wondered to myself if it’s me. I still do…but I want to believe it’s not. She has a family (and personal) history of mental illness, and maybe that gets worse with age. Plus, Mr. W hasn’t actively “fathered” on a daily basis in years, until we moved in together…so maybe the renewing of those KSAs (knowledge, skills, and abilities) has brought him to a different place. And maybe I have something to do with it somewhere along the lines. But whatever it is, he’s stressing. He’s actually having anxiety attacks on a weekly basis, usually immediately following a phone call or interaction with Mrs. X. He wants to crawl back in his dark hole of non-concern, but I keep draggin him back out. Is that wrong of me?
One bright spot is we rarely fight about the ex-men anymore. He has a better understanding of what I go through on a regular basis (yep, still going on) and why and how I pick my battles. Although, he still has more of the methodology to learn…not just how to pick the battles, but what to do with the stress associated with the whole process (hence the anxiety attacks). i had medicinal help to get over that point in my life, when I simply couldn’t step out from under the stress and would often find myself in a ball on the floor under that dark cloud. He’s not ready to aknowledge that depth of a problem, but he also doesn’t know how to step out from under the cloud. So…we sit at the crossroads, together (always) and I wait for him to decide which way he wants to go. I’m leaning towards east, but he has to decide for himself, I suppose. And either way, I’ll be with him…
