Shopping on the internet…what will they come up with next??

I’ve discovered my weakness…shopping.  I just can’t help it.  I found internet shopping while I was deployed a few years back, and it has opened up a whole new world for me…shopping at work, shopping at home, shopping non-stop.  It’s horrible.  Shopping hits an all-time high for me when I am bummed, so I’ve been browsing even more than normal now, finding all the things I need want at my fingertips and in my virtual shopping cart.  It takes all the strength I have to hit the little “x” at the top of the screen to close before purchasing whatever it is that I feel I just can’t live without at that moment.

What am I looking at now? 

Colin Stewart boots.  They are so damn tempting!  And at $149, just the right price.  The only problem is I want them in all three colors!

Ugg boots.  The warm, fur lined, but not totally hideous ones that look like bedroom slippers gone rogue.

 

Skinny jeans.  Like I really need more jeans…but what would I wear with my Ugg boots??

Shoes, and boots, and sandles…oh my!  Because, really…do you need an excuse for more? 

 

A vanity.  It’s something I actually will get sometime in the near future.  We (Mr. W and I) have a very small master bath and with all my never-used-but-must-be-kept-just-in-case bathroom products and beauty supplies, there just isn’t enough storage space!

Home improvement stuff.  There is painting that needs to be done.  Shelving to be put up.  Storage that needs to be figured out.  Pruning for the fall and planting in the spring.  Decorating for two adults, plus a 15, a 13, a 5, and a 3 year old.  Plus the countless little things that will no doubt come up over the next year. 

Home gym equipment.  With the boy being full time, there won’t be an opportunity for my two week morning workouts anymore.  I don’t really want Mr. W to come home to the chubby and lethargic lady I will become if I don’t keep up on my exercise.  My only thought to remedy is to force myself to workout at home.  I figure if I spend a little money on some sort of equipment, that might help inspire me to get off my butt and do something, maybe, possibly…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And with Christmas looming on the horizon, and quite a few more additions to my list of “to buy fors,” I’m beginning my search for gifts.  Christmas is by far my favorite holiday time of year.  I get all geeky and giddy all month long and I refuse to let anything or anyone get me down (minus the year STBX and I actually separated on Christmas ever…long story).  I’m one of those who refuses to buy the “useful” gift, and most likely I will only buy what is asked for as a last resort.  I figure, if you are important enough for me to want to give a gift at Christmas, you are important enough for me to put some thought into it and get you something great.  So the search begins…

 

Yes, shopping is my weakness.  2 online purchases today.  After work, groceries from Wal-Mart, which will inevidibly end in other-than-grocery items in my cart, then Michael’s, possibly Target, and then…who knows.  I don’t know if my bank account can survive a year of this!

It’s only 2 weeks, it’s only 2 weeks…

This weekend has been rough.  Mr. W left Sunday afternoon for a week in Indiana, followed by a week in Georgia, then back here for a night, then off to Iraq for a year.  I’ve had so much swirling around my head so fast that I’m only catching glimpses of what is there.  It makes it a little difficult when asked “what are you thinking about?” to pin down what I’m actually thinking about.  I wish I knew, then maybe I could sort out what is going on in my head and not feel so lost. 

I drove Mr. W to the airport yesterday, and I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it through without tears a-gushing.  His request to be dropped off at the terminal rather than walking him in (uh, yeah, not likely babe) pretty much confirmed his thoughts were on point with mine.  Honestly, I didn’t think I would make it through last week without tears.  But it was strange.  Although, there were a couple moments on the drive up to the airport when I got that thickness in my throat and the stinging in my eyes, some well timed jocularity threw those moments off.  And even at the airport, I didn’t cry.  Even on the way home, I didn’t cry.  Even last night, I didn’t cry.  Now, I’m not a crier anyway.  Frankly, women that do break out the tears for every little thing annoy the hell out of me.  But I thought for sure I would break down with him leaving.  I’m pretty sure I haven’t signed off on the idea of him leaving yet and that is why I’m doing ok.  Of course, for the last 3 or 4 days leading up to Sunday, I was telling myself every 30 seconds or so, “It’s only 2 weeks, it’s only two weeks.  Then you will see him again.”  Not sure what I’m going to do when the 2 weeks is up and I have to see him off to the plane to a year in Iraq…I’ll keep you posted on that one, and any suggestions are much appreciated!!

I’m not so sure about Mr. W’s level of ok-ness, however.  He was pretty quiet Saturday night after dropping his kids (who were staying with us all week) off back home.  He was quiet and edgy Sunday.  And last night when he called from the hotel, he was very distant and untalkative.  He told me he’s stressed about his kids, leaving them and not being able to see them for a year.  He told me he’s stressed about the house, leaving me with so much to do and in a shambles and such.  He told me he’s stressed about me, not sure if I’m going to be ok, or more likely that I’ll not be able to keep up with the house and fall back into my deep hole of depression.  I tried to reassure him that the months will fly by for the kids.  School has a wonderful way of doing that.  I tried to reassure him that the house will be fine.  I’ve had a house before, and although as long as he’s known me, I’ve been a little of a clutter-monster, that was mostly as a result of me wanting to spend time with him and with my kids instead of tidying up.  That really won’t be an issue for the next year as he will be gone, the boy will be full time with me, and the girl is right up the road or with me.  I tried to reassure him that I am ok.  I told him I didn’t cry.  I told him I felt ok, so not to worry about me.  I don’t think I helped.  He became more distant and quiet and soon after got off the phone for the night.  An email from him, sent late last night (apparently neither of us was able to get much sleep last night) and received this morning at work was equally as distant and almost impersonal.  I wish I knew for sure what is going on in his head.

I wonder if he equates me being “ok” with not caring that he’s gone.  I’m pretty sure he has thoughts of me cheating.  I can’t really blame him for that.  I’ve had thoughts of him cheating, and I haven’t been through all he has (except that one time, but I’d rather not think about that now).  I know he worries I won’t take care of the house because of the living habits I’ve grown into over the last year.  The worst part is no matter how hard I try, I can’t make him believe what I say. 

I’m going to miss him terribly, but I will be ok.  I have to be ok.  There is no choice, but to be ok.  Life moves on fast, and with two little ones around it’s like life is on permanent fast-forward.  When he comes home, we can slow things down again, together. 

I love him and would never, ever hurt him, especially in that way.  Besides, I am totally and 100% satisfied with him, in every way.  Maybe we haven’t been together long enough to develop those little irritations that are fuel for the 80/20* rule.  Maybe we are so perfectly matched that those things will never crop up.  Either way, I have no interest in any other man (or woman) EVER.  End of story.

I will not let the house go to shambles.  Or better put, I will get the house out of shambles and keep it there for the duration.  It is still his house, and I have tremendous respect for that.  Besides, winter is fast approaching, and I won’t have the boy full time until January, and with Mr. W gone, really, what the hell else is there to do.  I’ve tried to get back into my couch potato mode, more due to habit (I bum around when I’m bummed) than anything else, and quite frankly, TV sucks.   There are some humorous shows on, but after almost a year without…I really didn’t miss much.

Ah, well.  6 days until I have my babies back in my arms.  11 days until I have my man back in my arms.  Will time tick by in a flash or will it drag on and on? 

 

*The 80/20 rule is when someone cheats because while the one they are with is 80% of what they want in a person, what they want in life, what makes them happy, the “little annoyances” make the other 20% (usually found in someone other than the partner) start looking really, really good.  Enter temptation.  Exit honesty, trust, and probably your partner’s love when he/she finds out.

Close your eyes and point

Time is running very short for Mr. W’s departure.  He isn’t leaving leaving until the second week of October, but he will be on travel and away for the two weeks prior beginning this Sunday. THAT’S ONLY 4 DAYS AWAY!!  This sucks. 

We’ve been “picking” at each other and misreading statements, or rather the intent of statements for the last couple of days, which makes the suck that much more.  Why is it in times of stress you pick at or take it out on the ones you love the most? 

Anyway, I’m trying not to concentrate on the fact that he is leaving, or that he will be gone for A WHOLE FREAKIN YEAR! but rather on the trips that we will make together and the opportunities this new job and the money will create for him.  I’m not sure if I mentioned before, but this job allows two airfare paid trips to anywhere in the world.  Anywhere.  We are leaning (as a collective of him, his kids, and I) towards Australia in March and Rome in the summer.  Money isn’t really an issue, well, not too much of an issue anyway.  I’ve learned that one of the guys from the last crew that went to Iraq only went on one trip.  He took his wife and kid to Rome…and spent $28,000 on a week!  Not sure how he managed that one, but needless to say, a second trip was nixed shortly thereafter.  But seriously, when you have the whole world at your doorstep and a $10,000-ish budget, where do you go?  We are all fairly well traveled, the kids more than the two of us.  Most of their travels took them to Asian countries, so they aren’t keen on going back there.  I’ve lived in England, so while I want to go back there someday (and am quite frankly happy to go anywhere as long as I get to see Mr. W) that isn’t really in the mix of options.  Plus, for the March trip, we want somewhere warm, leaving the cooler temps in Europe for the Summer trip.  Mr. W lived in Puerto Rico and the kids visited him there often, so an island trip isn’t really in the cards either, unless of course it’s some non-Puerto Rico-like island that we haven’t thought of yet.  Plus, my suggestion is to have one trip be to somewhere with more natural sights and photo-ops, and have the other be for more architectural, museum-ish, man-made sort of sights.

So here leaves my shameless scam for drawing comments:  Two trips, anywhere in the world (besides the US), $10,000, two (fantasticly well traveled) teenagers and two adults, where would you go?

The boy is mine

This past Saturday I had another meeting with Ex#1 and the boy at the counselor’s office in NJ.  About 20 minutes from the office, I found out it would be our last.

Ex#1 called, nonchalantly inquiring what time I expected to arrive.  We found we would both be a little early.  OK.  So then the conversation goes like this:

him:  So did you bring the school paperwork?

me:  No, school already started and you said no Pre-K, so it’s all kind of moot until next Fall.

him:  Well, I was thinking the boy could start school in the spring.

me:  (suspiciously, cautiously) Ok…where?

him:  With you.

me:  OK…um…

him:  Well, I’ve been thinking it’s not worth it to drop $30,000 and still let a judge decide.  It would be good for the boy to start school, and with Pre-K we can ease him into the transition of not seeing me so much before he starts full day school.

me:  Um…OK…

him:  Also, can I ask you something?

me:  Um…OK…

him:  If I move somewhere else, will you still let me see him?

me:  Yeah, of course…wait, you’re moving??  Where?

him:  Well, the girl I’ve been seeing is going to school in Florida, and after she doesn’t know where her job will take her, but maybe North Carolina or California.

me:  Um…OK…California, huh?  Well, do you want to wait until we get to the office to discuss these details and get the counselor’s point of view and inputs?  Then we can go from there if you want.

him:  Ok, see you in a few.

me:  (still thinking Um…OK…)

WTF??  Totally confused! 

We got to the office and he presented his reasons.  Basically, he wants to marry this girl, she won’t be going back “home” to his area, so he has to move wherever she goes.  *light-bulb*  He can’t fight to enroll the boy in school there, then try to up and leave a year later without serious backlash from the court.  He also claims her parents were divorced and she convinced him all this foolishness and fighting is nothing but bad for a kid.  Well, duh! 

Long story short, the boy will be living with me beginning in January and I’m going to try to get him into school then.  (Ex#1 even claims to have talked to one of the county school official-type people who said because the boy is tier 1…my income…he can start anytime)  The boy will still visit his dad the first week of each month (out of school…yes I know…but it’s Pre-K.  What’s he gonna miss, the week they go over yellow??).  Over the summer we will switch, one week here, three weeks there.  Then when fall comes, he will stay with me full time.  How often his dad will see him is dependant entirely on where he ends up with the girl.  Obviously weekend flights to Cali are a little overtaxing for a 5 year old, so geographical distance will dictate much of the visitation schedule.

Damn!  And out of left field comes a great big smiley face!!  Picture me doing my happy dance!

I’m not sure what his reasons really are, but quite frankly I don’t care.  I get my boy and my boy gets to go to school.  4 years of fighting…horrible, dirty, mudslinging, painful, tear and gut wrenching fighting for him has resulted in this, and I am happy.  My integrity and patience has paid off for my boy.  Woo-freakin-hoo! 

The real deal, and he’s worth it

Seriously.

I look around (hypothetically in some cases due to distance) at my friends and the other women around me and marvel at how they survive.  So many of the women I know have sunk into these disastrous, destructive relationships, yet they still get through their day to day.  Now, I say I marvel, but I also fear for them.  I’ve been in destructive relationships.  I still can’t believe how close I was to jumping into yet another one just after my STBX and I split.  And I still can’t believe how lucky I am today to have found Mr. W.  He’s the real deal, ladies.

Mr. W is the guy I always thought I wanted.  He’s the guy I dreamed about as a silly young girl.  He’s the guy I gave up on even existing as the multitude of other “wrong” guys drifted in and out of my life over the years.  He’s the guy that has saved me from the deep, dark hole I was living in and from myself, and I love him for it.

When I was lonely, he gave me a friend.  When I’m happy, he is someone I can share my happiness with.  When I’m stressed, he rubs my back and helps me get myself through it.  (very important wording there, he helps me get myself through it.)  When I need affection, he seems to know and just holds me.  When I need something more…well, let’s just say that department aint too shabby!    We speak the same language, sometimes even at the same time.  We dig the same stuff, although not all the same stuff, so there is enough variety in tastes to keep things interesting.  He never willingly asks anything of me, but genuinely appreciates everything I do.  He willingly does anything for me, whether I ask or not, and I love him for it. 

We have our days, where things don’t quite click for whatever reason, stress, exes, kids, fatigue, stress, but we always get through it and get over it and find ourselves cuddling on the couch once again.  I feel like he’s a part of me, and I’m a part of him and as long as he’s there beside me, in spirit or in body, there is nothing that can ruin my day, and I love him for it.

Ladies, he does exist.  That guy.  The one you always knew you wanted but always thought didn’t exist.  He does, and he’s worth it.  There was a point in my second marriage where I had to ask myself, “is he worth it?”  Is he worth the trouble?  Is he worth the sadness?  is he worth the stress?  Is he worth the work?  Is he worth the pain and heartache?  The answer was obviously no, but it took me awhile to see it that way.  I held so tightly to the few good things that the many not so good (and sometimes downright bad) things had to get so bad they knocked me off my feet (figuratively, not literally.  it wasn’t ever that bad, thankfully).  I asked my friend the same thing last night.  “Is he worth it?”  I want to ask every woman I see who is hurting from their mate, “Is he worth it?” 

And you know, I’ve come to realize it’s not just about your man, or your mate, or your spouse.  It’s everything in life.  Your job, your hobbies, your stuff…are they worth it?  Anything that is in your life that causes any sort of stress or disdain, you have to take that step back and say, “In the long run, after it’s all over, will I look back and say it was worth it?” 

I can say without a doubt, Mr. W is worth it.  I can say without a doubt, my kids are worth it.  My job…eh…working on that one.  School, worth it.  And that is it.  Everything else just ain’t that important.