Broken hearts and what-nots

With this handy little “blog stat” feature that wordpress has added to the dashboard (still don’t get the dashboard thing) I’ve noticed a recent surge of searches for “broken heart” and views of my doodle, broken heart. I sketched this at a particularly hard time in my life, with the hopes that someone would come along to be the little man in the picture to put my heart back together. Can it be possible, after so many years I’ve found that man? …possibly.

Right now, I’m feeling a little…hmmm…don’t really know how to describe it.

I had my Reiki work done on Friday. It was interesting, and enlightening. Reiki is “energy work” in which someone who has been attuned acts as kind of a funnel for the energy that is around us. She can feel my energy as well. After we were done, she gave me feedback on what she felt and saw. She had a hard time describing what she felt from me as far as my energy is concerned. She said, for lack of a better word, that it’s low. She said she felt that I have given up so much of myself, given my energy to so much else that I had very little left for me. Gee! you think?? When I left, I did have that dazed, kind of high feeling for much of the day. I drove around for awhile, spent about an hour and a half wandering, literally wandering around Target, leaving with only two small items. I’ve been a little high since, even now I catch myself staring off, not really anywhere. Weird.

My buzz, high, peace, whatever you want to call it was interrupted on Saturday afternoon when I discovered (by doing something I shouldn’t have) something he didn’t want me to know. Now I’m hurt, and I’m scared, and I’m trying, but I can’t keep thoughts from creeping in my head. I didn’t sleep Saturday night, and although I did catch some zzz’s last night (with a little help from my little white friends, and a couple beers, and sheer exhaustion), it wasn’t a peaceful sleep as I was plagued with dreams. I’ve mentioned before that I dream very vividly, so that sucks even more. This morning I woke up retaining the horrible feelings that my dreams brought out. Not a good start to a Monday, or any other day for that matter.

But she is gone now…for good…I think…I hope. I hate my thoughts. I hate my feelings. I hate the images in my head. I feel like I need to ask him to choose, but I can’t bring myself to do it, mostly because I feel it is abhorrently wrong to ask someone to choose, no matter what. Choices are something an individual needs to make on their own terms. Choices are a person’s right to make, or not make as they see fit, with no demands and no expectations.

There is also the small part that is afraid he won’t choose me.

I understand how it happened. I knew it would happen if the situation arose. I said it would happen just like it did. I got it then, I get it now. But the pain lingers. The trust waivers, but is held intact. I can hold on to that. I can hold on to the images of us *blank* time from now. I can hold on to the warm feelings in my heart when I see him, when he smiles at me, when he touches me. I can hold on to his words and the look in his eyes when he says them. I can hold on to him and not let go. Now to let go of all the other stuff.

The way my mind works

I was sitting last night, cutting my fingernails (since for some reason they are not spontaneously breaking on their own like normal, and I am having issues with typing) and my mind starts to wander.  I remembered a conversation I had with my mom when I was much younger in which I was trying to convince her not  to cut my nails.  (all children hate having their nails cut)  I very seriously explained that if she cut my nails short, i wouldn’t be able to *ahem* clean my nose.  Yes, this was a very serious problem indeed as we all know the mortification of having anything other than open space visible in the nose. 

Anyway, I thought about blogging this memory, but then remembered Mr. W reads my blog, and we just aren’t there yet.  (obviously I got over that)  By not there, I mean of course sharing those sorts of things.  Then my wandering mind went over to a night last week when, in a rush, I went to use his bathroom, and left the door open.  Mid-stream, I realized he was in the other room and pretty much freaked, again, because we arent’ there yet.  (well, I guess technically we are now.)  A couple days later, he took me out to a very fancy French restaurant in a neighboring town, and all the rich food, dessert, and a couple drinks make his tummy hurt.  (mom-isms…gotta love them)  He headed for the bathroom to get a book, leaving the door open.  He was just getting his book to go to the other bathroom, but I totally freaked again.  (yeah, still not there!) 

Then my mind jumped to that I didn’t blog about the wonderful meal he treated me to.  In fact, I totally neglected the whole romantic night.  Dinner (rack of lamb for me and steak for him), followed by dessert (rich, syrupy chocolate lava cake for him and creme brulee for me) and coffee, followed by a trip through the local pet store (featuring the cutest baby African grey parrots…something I’ve always wanted…for $1200 a pop…maybe not), and then a walk down by the water on the boardwalk, watching the ospreys fish, making plans for future excursions and just generally enjoying each other’s company, followed by a couple drinks at his place, followed by……. (nunya!)  It was a fabulous night!  (And I call him Mr. Wonderful!)

By this point, I’d finished my nails, and lay down in bed.  My mind continued to wander around to so many other topics.  The thoughts of that yummy dinner with Mr. W led me to cooking, which went to the chicken in my fridge and how I need to roast it before it goes bad.  Then I got to thinking about yesterday’s post, and how I want to give up all the toxins in my diet, which means a trip to the grocery store (to buy all the non-toxin having food-stuff, whatever that is).   Then back to Mr. W, or more specifically his ex-women, who are both vegetarians.  Could I ever give up meat?  HELL NO!!  I know there is so much data out there against it, but I just love me a big ol- juicy steak, or burger, or some chicken, or fish.  Oh, yea.  Y from work said she wanted to go to a local seafood joint and have some shrimp, I have to call her to set that up.  Maybe we can get together with the other ladies from that one night at the Tiki Bar.  That night was fun.  Good cigars.  I should send some cigars to my dad.  Maybe he’ll send me one of those good Cubans I had last time I was out with him.  Or I could just take a trip to LA to visit.  But then I’d have to confess my cigarette habit and he will make it hell.  I could just get a carton before I go….

…and on and on, until I finally found sleep.   Is it any wonder I suffer from insomnia?

It’s a Reiki thing

I’m at home with the babies tonight (yea!). The STBX got hernia surgery today (hee hee…I know I shouldn’t laugh, but it’s kinda funny…you, luckily, don’t know him like I do, and probably don’t get the humor) and can’t take care of the girl as he is in a substantial amount of pain, so she is home with the boy and me.  (did I mention, yea?!)

I was supposed to go to a “Reiki share” tonight with Y from work.  She’s into all that alternative religion, medicine, way of thinking stuff, and is a font of knowledge and inspiration for getting better acquainted with those other curiosities and beliefs of mine.  Since I have the kids this evening, I won’t be doing that, but I did make an appointment with one of the ladies/reverends/reiki masters for a treatment/session/appointment on Friday.  (Can you tell I am SO new to this and can’t even figure out the proper terminology??!!)  Anyway, I’m very excited about it.  I actually was going to go last week, but Mr. W was seriously stressing out and I thought he could use it more than me.  Funny thing is, it worked!  And even funnier than that, he totally doesn’t relate the sudden onset of optimism and positivity to his session at all.  He doesn’t even notice the vast difference a day made.  So while I was already looking forward to a reiki session, after seeing his results, I am almost peeing my pants with anticipation…or maybe it’s the large coke I just drank….hmmm…

Speaking of which, I totally need to give up coke.  More specifically, soda, sugar (at least a lot of it), caffeine (see note about sugar), smoking, grease and fried stuff.  I feel really *yuck* (yes, that is the scientific name for the feeling post-eating a large McDonald’s value meal and two apple pies–hey, they are two for a dollar!) after eating/drinking all that crap, and I really hate it.  Of course, my complete lack of self control may create a small speed mountain bump in the path of my plan to give up the toxins in my life.  You know, you’d think if I can give up the biggest toxin in my life, namely the STBX, a few sodas and some cigarettes would be nothing….go figure.

Crying out

My kids are back (yea!) but the never ending night and morning battles are back too.  Every night is the same.  I put them to bed (now 8ish to compensate for the ex-men’s refusal to stay with the schedule they’ve been on since birth) and the battle begins.  Sometimes it’s playing, in and out and in and out of bed.  Sometimes it’s fighting.  (My kids, 2 and 4, share a room as it is a financial necessity at this point in my life)  But most of all lately, it has been screaming.  Fake crying, wimpering, real crying, screaming, all from the girl (2).  I’ve tried everything I can think of: cuddling, singing, reading, talking, holding, laying down with, bargaining and bribing, threatening, punishing, spanking (I know, I know, I said I never would again)  and more screaming from me than I care to admit.  I run through the gambit every night, and fail.  Then each morning, they are tired, I am tired, and the day starts out with a big pile of *poop* on it from the morning’s “I’m tireds” and “I don’t want to get up” and refusals to get dressed and fussing and being late, every morning.

When my kids are gone, I glamorize the time when I get them back by picturing fun, and smiles, and laughter, and playing, and all the hugs and kisses from two happy kids to one happy mommy that anyone could ever want.  When my kids get back, I find myself counting down the days until they leave again, and I hate myself for it.

It’s 920pm, they’ve been in bed for a little over an hour, and there is still noise coming out of the baby monitor.  The screaming has stopped, thankfully, but I have a constant fear that the next sound I hear will mean a new beginning.  And, as if she knew I was typing this, it’s started again.  Some say “let her cry it out.”  Some say “hold her and tell her you love her.”  Some say “she’s two, she’ll out grow it.”  I say she won’t cry it out, she’ll go more into hysterics.  If I hold her and tell her I love her, she just wants me to stay all night and it will continue every night until she leaves for college.  Yes she will grow out of it, but at this point I’m not sure I will keep my sanity long enough to see that day.

It makes me angry, it makes me sad, it makes me want to simultaneously scream and curl up in a ball crying for hours.  Screaming is bad.  Bad for me, bad for her, bad for the boy who has to witness it in fear I’ll turn on him.  I wish I was the kind of girl who could just let those tears loose at anytime because I really think I could use the release, but even when I feel the tingle in my eyes and the tears start to well, I have to fight them back for the sake of those around me.

Every night I hope and pray that they will go to sleep peacefully.  Every night I plan to relax for a bit after they go to bed, to unwind from my day of work and running around with them after work.  Every night I plan to get some homework done so I can get caught up and at least pull out of this class with a C.  Every night I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted, there is no chance for any of those things and end up collapsing in bed, later than intended, not accomplishing anything but winding myself up for a good restless night of sleep.  Every night.

So, here’s the thing.  I know some of you out there mommies, so I’m asking for tips and tricks to get through these days, nights, weeks, years.  Any little thing would help.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another

Well, I successfully completed my first 5K(yes I said first, as in there will be more to follow) and I’m still alive.  Not only that, but I actually ran most of it and finished in 38+ minutes…only 5 minutes behind Mr. W.  (yea me!)  They said, they being my friends, that 38 minutes is good, but the visions of people pushing strollers past me at a pretty even pace makes me think otherwise.  Regardless, I have good friends for lying to me.    I felt really good after the run, and for the rest of the day.  Yesterday, however, the soreness kicked in, mostly in the torso area.  Who knew you work your abs and back while running??  Today my left foot still hurts from my ill-fitting shoes, and my right hip is being a little tricky, increasing my quotient of accident-prone-ness substantially, but all in all I feel good considering…

…considering I haven’t slept since LAST Sunday night.  (yea insomnia)←insert dripping sarcasm here.

I’m not sure what is going on.  I’ve been having a hard time just getting to sleep, but on top of that, I can’t stay asleep.  I thought it might have been a side effect from the nicotine patches, but since I fell off that wagon Thursday, I’m not sure what the deal is now.  My life has been fairly quiet and drama free as of late.  No kid stuff, no ex-men stuff, no financial stuff, no work stuff, no Mr. W stuff.  What gives?  I worked out Thursday, plus ran for 15minutes, plus went out drinking (lightly) that evening.  I did a 5K on Saturday, for *poop’s* sake!  Something is in my head, tormenting my sleep-makers to the point of striking, but I just can’t figure out what it is!

I’ve suffered from insomnia for most of my life, in spurts.  It used to be for (theoretically) no reason when I was younger, but a deep delve into my childhood psyche will probably tell you otherwise and point out the terrible marital condition of my parents when they were together, and the alcoholic spurts and lack of motherly presence my mom gave me once they split up.  I went through another bout of insomnia after my abortion, but I’m sure we can all figure that one out.  Another, for seemingly no reason while I was still a youngster in the military.  Of course the great military docs suggested clearing my room of all distractions, read: TV, computer, desk, etc.  I tried to calmly explain that I resided in a dorm room the size of a shoe box, so that wasn’t really an option, but like I said military doctors.  I discovered Valerian root and Tylenol PM shortly thereafter.  I didn’t sleep during either of my marriages, nor during either of my pregnancies, again, no need to explain.  But since getting out of those negative relationships and into a good place in my life I haven’t had problems like this, til now. 

Hmmm…something to ponder tonight as I lay there, staring at the ceiling not sleeping.