Updates…

Here’s an update:

1) Met with the STBX yesterday, at his lawyer’s office, to sign the custody agreement. He was there and everything seemed on the up and up. His lawyer even gave me some comforting advice regarding the on going battle with my first husband…X1. We both read, we both signed, we both shook her hand, and then we went for lunch. It’s all very strange to me, and I still don’t trust him…BUT, it is a relief to have the papers signed and to know I don’t have to worry about court with him anytime soon. And maybe, just maybe, he actually does care more about our daughter than all the petty crap between us, and maybe, just maybe, he is putting her first for once in his life, and maybe, just maybe, this can all work out…maybe.

2) Still don’t have my laptop. Mr. W took it last night and promised to work on it for me. I still have his, but it’s not mine! Is it just me? It seems perfectly normal to me to have a quasi-emotional attachment to one’s laptop. Besides, I LOVE IT! Hmmm… Anyway, I wasn’t able to finish my research paper, and since I’m not entirely sure what the penalties for an incomplete or a failure are in relation to student loans, VA tuition benefits, and general enrollment in my school, my laptop virus dilemma has mutated into a school/money dilemma. Fun, fun, fun.

3) I’m not preganant! (yea! see, I told you) The *dot* came and although I’m still all crampy and bloated (sorry, once again, for the graphic-ness of this), the emotional blockage has released and I am no longer full of it…yes, I meant to put it that way.

I’m not an emotional sort of girl. I don’t cry, at least not unless I’m really, really, really upset (or it’s a really sad movie). I don’t get caught up in the “emotion” of things as most (sorry for the generalization, girls) women do. My mother is very emotion driven, and my father is completely logic driven. I inherited my father’s way of looking at most things, so, logically I sit more on the logical side of the fence. I don’t get all the emotion that women (sorry again) seem to insert into every situation. I just don’t. I’m not saying that I don’t get emotional ever, I’m simply saying I think it is all rather silly, and I don’t fall into it as much as would be expected by my gender. The hardest thing for me to deal with while I was pregnant with the girl and post-partum, was the emotion. That is a big reason I started taking the anti-depressants. I didn’t know how to handle all the new emotional outpourings that were going on. I’d never experienced such a thing, and quite frankly, I hated it! Thankfully, my estrogen levels balanced back out, and I’m back to my old self again, for the most part.

4) I got together with some other families and we all took the kids to a local “fun spot” that features and indoor go-kart track and 7 bouncy houses/slides/mazes. It is so much fun!! We go about once a month, and both the kids and adults have a blast. By 8pm, they were all tuckered out, ready for a bath and bed, and we were given a peaceful night to enjoy a movie. Who could ask for more?

5) Mr. W and I “talked” between me writing my last post, and him reading my last post. I spilled my guts before he could read it, and we got some things laid out on the table. I’m still not in that safe and secure place I was a couple weeks back, but I am feeling better about everything. He has since admitted that he is also part to blame for the parts of our relationship that stress him out, and said he would work on not overreacting. So there is more waiting on this one, but it’s not so bad. He’s good company to wait with.

I don’t like this feeling!

I am feeling very vulnerable today.  It hasn’t been all day, just the last 4 hours or so.  Theories include:  1) meeting tomorrow with the STBX to sign our custody agreement.  2) Virus on my computer.  3) Looming, threatening, although late period. (sorry to be so blunt, but hey…)  4) It’s Thursday, the Thursday that is 3 days before Sunday, THE Sunday, THE Sunday that the kids go to the ex-men for two weeks.  5)  Mr. W came back (yea!) but all that new-found security I had a couple weeks ago hasn’t yet.

1)  Things have been much better lately with the STBX…in theory.  He filed ugly paperwork, we went to mediation, mediation failed miserably.  We had lunch and talked.  We talked some more.  We came up with an agreement we both agree to for the girl’s visitation/custody.  He/his lawyer took a month to get it written.  It is now past the date that I can file a response with the court to his above mentioned ugly paperwork.  I am having faith that he really does want what is best for the girl.  I am having faith that he believes this agreement is better for him than what he will get in front of a judge.  I am having faith that tomorrow we will sign this agreement and this whole ugly mess will be over.  I am a woman who strives for faith, however, is not strong in faith.  (I mean none of this in any sort of religious way, by the way)  I guess I will find out tomorrow.

2) I have a virus on my new(ish) laptop.  I didn’t really realize how dependent I was on that thing until now when I can’t use it.  I can’t do homework.  I can’t listen to music.  I can’t blog (that’s while it’s been a couple days now).  I can’t send or receive email.  I can’t bank.  I can’t look up the weather, or check on car rental prices, or see what movie some actor was in.  Yes, I know it all seems inconsequential, UNTIL YOU JUST CAN’T!  (Please keep in mind I have no TV service at all, I have no adult conversation, and I basically have no friends…so my computer is very near and dear to my heart at this point in my life.)  Mr. W said he can fix it, maybe, at some point, possibly, later…so I’m borrowing his for the next couple days to get my homework done, with faith that the virus didn’t spread to my external drive when I did the mad-dash-back-up, post virus discovery.

3) I used to take a lot of pills.  (prescriptions, people, prescriptions!)  I took birth control, anti-depressants, (occasionally stronger anti-depressants), tension/migraine headache meds, (occasionally stronger migraine meds), stomach-calming-anti-GERD meds.  I now take nothing, for months, nothing, and I feel great, well until lately.  Before you (or I) jump to conclusions, I can’t be pregnant.  Trust me on this, it’s just not possible.  But, comma, however, semi-colon.dot.dot.dot…my body is acting like it is.  I’m late, I’m edgy, I’m *puffy*, I’m breaking out everywhere, and I’m spotty, but not there yet.  (be thankful those of you that don’t know what that means)–again, sorry for being blunt, but…  So now I’m just waiting…

4)  My parents left yesterday morning.  (Somehow they thought it was a good idea to get a 6am flight from an airport 2 hours from my house…good morning 230am on a work day!)  Anyway…yesterday I was totally useless, and the kids were wound up from ChuckECheese with the STBX-mom-in-law and no nap, so quality time was a little strained and short.  Today, both kids are being really, really mean to each other.  I’m not sure why, but it’s causing a lot of crying on both their parts, and a lot of yelling and time outs on my part (both for them and myself to maintain control)  So I think it’s safe to say, with only 1 1/2 hours until bed-time, today’s quality time is shot.  Tomorrow brings an early start with the gym, then the meeting an hour away with the STBX to sign the custody agreement mentioned in #1, then trying desperately to get caught up in one class, and write a 7-10 page research paper in another class on something I know very little about, in a format I know nothing about, complete with references and annotated bibliography.  Yeah, totally not going to happen.  So tomorrow will be shot.  That leaves Saturday, but with thunderstorms forecasted, there really is no outside-of-the-house-but-out-of-the-weather-fun activity I can do with the kids that doesn’t require at least one other set of eyes/hands/running legs to keep them somewhat corralled and safe.  Then Sunday, they leave, early.    I guess I’ll wait to see if the weather-guessers are right this time, or not.

5)  Mr. W came back (yea, again!).  He said he missed me and we can find a way to make this work.  Totally happy about that!!  Did I mention yea?!  But…I haven’t recovered completely from the break-up.  The security isn’t there yet.  I trust him and I don’t doubt him in my head or my heart, but part of me is just not ready to jump back into it all with both feet.  I don’t really know how to act, or what to say sometimes.  I don’t even know in my own head.  For example: last night I wanted him to come over to watch a movie since I hadn’t really seen him or spent time since that bad weekend in Philly, even after getting back together (I think we’re back together…or possibly just dating…I have no idea!!  See where my confusion comes from?!) since my parents were here.  I missed him, and hey, I had a movie.  But I was also really tired from the 230am wake-up and airport drop-off, so I wanted to go to bed early, and when he comes over, there is no going to bed early.  He felt the same about the early to bed thing, so he came over with the mutual understanding that he was, in fact, going to leave early.  He walked out the door at 10pm. (not early, for those of you who do not live in my world).

He thinks I absolutely needed him to come over, and he could, under no circumstances, say no.  So not the case!  Yes I wanted to see him.  Yes I wanted some snuggle time.  Yes I wanted to watch a movie.  No I did not want to stay up that late.

My feeling vulnerable started to show in the form of “acting weird” towards the end of the workday.

Today he’s meeting with his STBX, and has been talking to/getting along with/emailing/meeting her a lot lately.  Tonight he’s meeting the guys for some drinks.  I won’t see him until (maybe) the gym tomorrow morning, and we won’t have “time” until Sunday afternoon.  I’m ok with all this.  I’m more than ok with all this.  However, thanks to a time in our distant (as distant as a 6 month relationship can have) past when some of this was sort-of an issue, he will think one or all of these things bother me, and there is nothing I can do or say to make him believe otherwise.  This, combined with my own #1-5, are the reasons why I don’t know what to say or how to act.  Not helping with the feeling vulnerable thing.

So now this post is a little wordy…hazards of not having an outlet for a few days I suppose.  Updates on my 1-5 as they pass…hopefully positive updates…fingers crossed!

and the beat goes on…

I am going absolutely nuts. It’s as though all the world is conspiring against me to make me crazy.

My kids are finally asleep, after much coercing, but who knows for how long since there is a distinct bass beat (and I do mean beat) pounding through my windows and doors from the house behind mine. Ok, it’s 830pm and it’s Saturday, and they have never had a party that I know of in the 8 months I’ve lived here….but puh-leeese! This has been going on since about 2 this afternoon, and has gotten progressively louder and more bass-y. I know it’s driving my parents nuts. (My step-dad is the guy that calls the cops on the barking dogs next door) I enjoy music. Read my confessions…I enjoy music loudly. But not in the evening when I’m trying to unwind and my kids are trying to sleep and my parents are visiting.

My mom is doing that mother-knows-best thing. Ok, generally mother does know best. (I know, I’m a mother!) But still. No matter how many times I’ve told her that the boy’s plastic lined mattress cover can go in the dryer, she insists it can’t. So now, the underside of the liner is damp, the boy is sleeping on it, and if he figures out how not to wet his bed for the next couple nights, I will forget and mold will inevitably grow causing a mysterious smell that will take me days, possibly weeks to find.

(Yea, new song, same bass beat, only louder)

My parents are still asking about Mr. W, as are the kids, which only makes my parents ask more. Don’t they know I’m trying desperately not to think of him??!! Oh wait, no they don’t. They think everything is ok.

(Yea, they just restarted the song)

In my life, I tend towards routine. When you have two constantly wound balls of chaos coming at you, and the rest of your world is pulling apart at the seams, routine is the only defense. Routine keeps me sane. All these things are interrupting my routine, and it’s making me a bit nutty. I can’t go in my room as I gave it up for the week. I can’t relax with a cigarette after the kids go down without feeling guilty. I can’t relax for the constant bass. I can’t call my best friend. This will be the first night in 6 months that I haven’t talked to him. My routines are unraveling right before my eyes, and I have no one to turn to for comfort. I want to grow, adapt, mature. I don’t want to change everything. I don’t want someone new. I don’t want to start over. I want my comfort. I want what I know works.

(yea, now the fireworks are being brought out.)

I’m going to need a beer (or two or three…) when this week is over!

They’re small but feisty!!

There are certain stresses involved with people unfamiliar with children being around my kids. They have gone through a lot in their short lives, and while I haven’t figured out everything that works, I’m fairly certain I’ve got a much better idea than anyone on the planet. The trip to Baltimore was a little hectic. My parents don’t understand the need to get going early, the in place schedule for eating and napping, the things the kids are allowed to do vs. the things they are not. None of these things are their fault, but it creates a fair amount of stress.

Grandma and grandpa announced this morning they were taking the kids to the park and to lunch so I could have some much needed time to get some work done. (yea!) I’m sure their return will be promptly followed by naps for all and a fairly quiet night, so no running around, entertaining, sightseeing today. (double yea!) I just hope all come out ok. My parents haven’t seen my kids since two Christmas’s ago. Beyond that, the last child they have had any involvement with was me…my mom for my lifetime, and my step-dad from about 14 on. Of course, back then, we hated each other, so it’s not like this was quality get-to-know-you time. He never really liked kids until mine called him Grandpa. I’m pretty sure there are times he still doesn’t really like kids, period. I don’t blame him totally. They are work. They are stress. They are constant. In my 5 years of mommy-ing, I have a gathered a library of knowledge that my parents just don’t have access to. (Yes my mom is a mom, but things have changed greatly since I was a kid, and I’m sure she’s brain-dumped most of that stuff anyway.) I don’t just mean knowledge of the things that work for my kids, although that compiles volumes all on its own. I mean little things that I take for granted.

McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Burger King have four-piece nugget kids meals, each with a toy. Chick-fil-a doesn’t give toys, but rather books and learning CDs. KFC has a great kids meal, but no toy at all. McDonald’s, KFC, and Burger King have juice boxes if you ask, while Wendy’s only has a small drink in a regular cup.

Toys R Us/Babies R Us have kid friendly toilets. (oh yeah, and given the opportunity, my kids will touch every square inch of a public toilet so they must be reminded several times not to.)

Toys R Us, IKEA, and some Best Buy parking lots offer up-front parking for people with toddlers and expectant mothers.

WalMart and Safeway have two-kid shopping carts. Food Lion has the race car shopping carts.

The list goes on and on…WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS THIS CRAP??!! Mommies, that’s who. (Ok, and some daddies too)

I guess I will find out in a couple hours how things went. Maybe sooner if they go bad. In the meantime, I’ll try not to worry and get some work done…..but with Grandma’s 4′10″ 110 lb frame and Grandpa’s bad back, how the hell are they going to get my kids to leave the park???

Great start to a great day

Today is starting out well…got up at 430am (aarrgghh!!) and got a good work-out in.  My arms feel like rubber and my chest is all swole…not the parts that I wish were, but that’s ok.  Kids and parents were still asleep when I got home, so I had about 30 minutes of quiet time with my coffee (LOVE STARBUCKS!!) and the internet.  We are planning a day trip to Baltimore, so hopefully everyone will be in a better mood today.  Of course, my parents are still on West Coast time, so they will spend most of the morning in a fog, I’m sure.  That is definately a suck-part about visiting family on the opposite side of the country.  Every time I go home or to LA to visit Dad, I spend the first half of the trip trying to get used to the time change, and the first week home trying to get back to my time.

I imagine my blogging will suffer from having company this weekend.  I’m out of work. (plus) and I won’t see/talk to Mr. W much, if at all. (double plus) and I get lots of quality time with the kids.  (triple plus)  Without the drama, in my life, what ever will I write about??!!  (total sarcasm, of course)