The rhinoceros in the room.

…and another day.

Today wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, but not nearly as good as it could have been. I’ve mentioned before that I do in fact work with Mr. W, and in all actuality sit in the desk next to him. On a normal workday of the last 4 or so months we would sneak romantic glances at each other across the common areas and I would look anxiously forward to the next time we had a few moments alone so that we could steal kisses and the occasional totally inappropriate grope. Today, however, I was anxious for our time alone, but in a totally awkward way that left me avoiding it at all costs: even sitting with the most annoying and completely useless of our co-workers for hours on end.

I’m supposed to be giving him some time to sort things out, at his request. I am all for this idea, however I suddenly find myself not knowing how to act. I still feel the way I feel about him. I’m pretty sure he still feels the way he feels about me. Yet there is this huge rhinoceros between us that is making things all too strange. I want to talk to him like we normally would, however in an attempt to respect his requests and stay neutral (not romantic, not caring, not relationship-y), I end up coming across completely bitchy. I can’t win!!

Besides that, there was the normal Monday conversation from my other co-workers and friends of: “how was your weekend?” and “what did you do?” followed by, “why are you so tired?” and “what’s going on? what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing, don’t know, nothing, and nothing.” There I go coming off bitchy again.

Page updates and parental growth, thanks Mr. W

Another day. I’m sitting watching my kids play, drinking my third cup of coffee (another night of not much sleep, but thankfully no migraine yet), wondering if I should be concerned that they have very somber faces and have laid out a variety of toys on the floor with tissues over them strangely resembling a white sheets over dead bodies…hmmm…kids do the strangest things. And then there’s the things they say!

Three days ago, the boy was telling the girl to do something, and she was refusing in that special way that she does, so he began to count…”One…Two…Three” *Smack* He hit her. I’ll never spank my kids again…

Two days ago, while working on homework, the boy watched me work a problem on my graphing calculator and asked, “Mommy, who are you texting?”

Yesterday, the girl insisted, “Mommy, go to [Mr. W]’s house to visit”….hold back the tears.

This morning, upon seeing a drawing of a bald man as a background option for one of my internet applications the boy said, “Pick [Mr. W], he’s your best friend.”….I bit my lip.

p.s. I updated all my pages on here yesterday. I found being productive to be the easiest way to get through the day without thinking of him. I also managed to sweep, vacuum, and scrub all the linoleum in my house, vacuumed all the rooms, scrub every surface in my kitchen, wash four loads of laundry, including one that required pre-treating, scrubbing, and soaking before washing, and take the kids out to ride their bikes around the complex. Of course they have successfully destroyed all my efforts of vacuuming and general tidying and knocked over two of the four loads of folded laundry before I could get them put away…I can always count on them to give me something to do!

…but it’s so endearing

I am incredibly clumsy I can manage feats of superhuman klutz, even in my sleep. Here is what I have managed today, and it’s not even lunchtime:

-spilled coffee

-spilled juice

-spilled milk; no tears

-dropped food, twice

-broke one glass, resulting in two cuts on the foot and one on the finger. It’s really amazing how much damage those little invisible shards can do!

-spilled blood (see above)

-tripped up the stairs, twice

-ran into my foot board with my thigh

-stubbed my toe

-got a fat, bloody lip by opening a closet door into my face

-I have found three scrapes and five bruises that I don’t remember getting, nor do I have any idea how they got there.

-And the lump/bruise on my shin from two nights ago (ran into the open door of the dishwasher, hard) has grown to the size of one of those mini hotel soaps.

I’m thinking of investing in a hard hat and full body armor.

Everybody Limbo!

The hardest thing about all of this is the “in limbo” feeling. My enemy (my heart) keeps telling me that he will get out of his funk and realize the error of his ways. When he is forced to look at me, when he misses me he’ll realize that there are so many possibilities with us and there is so much more good with us. Sneaky bitch!

Then there is that other hot, pulsing lump of muscle in my body, the one that is much bigger, but isn’t so much ruled by emotion. She is the fall back. She is strong but kind.  She is the one who is there to say “let’s figure out a way to get through this together.” She’s quiet but constant, and always logical. My brain. My brain is saying, albeit much quieter than my heart, and muffled due to the pounding migraine brought on from too much crying and not enough sleep, he’s just another man. The relationship had great points, but we both know it was too soon for you both. Focus on things that bugged you. Focus on the little boy that they all inevitably are. It’s ok to lay in the pain for a bit, but when you are ready to get up and walk away from it, I’ll be here beside you.

The “in limbo” feeling comes from my heart beating his name, pulling me down, screaming “he’ll come back, just wait,” and my mind holding my hand to lead me away when I’m ready, never to look back.

I’m just not ready to add Mr. W to the ex-men category yet.

Keeping my enemies close

“I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.”-Jerome K. Jerome

This hot, bloody mass of muscle pounding in my chest is my enemy. It leads me on then betrays me. It tempts me then smacks me down. It lets me feel secure then stabs me in the back.

Mr. W and I have had the occasional “disagreement” and until the last one, I was always waiting for the “oh, by the way, I don’t want to be with you anymore.” He swore it wouldn’t come. He swore it never crossed his mind (except for that one time that it did). So during our last, I just told myself: “self, this is only a disagreement. He’s not leaving. We are ok.” And my dumb ass believed it only to be smacked down. Oh no, not that day, but two days later……..yep he’s gone. Not geographically…yet…but in all the ways that matter. I want to be angry with him. I really want to hate him, but that treacherous lump in my chest, sustaining my life won’t let me….betrayal number 346. All it does is feel like it will stop at any moment, beating his name/image/thought into my mind. I get it. I really do. But I have the whole time. I’ve been waiting for this…until about a week ago. I let my guard down and I trusted in us, and in my heart, and that insidious bitch broke.